What jokes do you know? - Page 68

onfire · 30-06-2010, 06:51 PM

Now available from KFC - two small breasts, two thick thighs and zero substance.. yes the Julia Gillard combo is available today!

Boom!

TheInterceptor · 30-06-2010, 09:34 PM

ATTENTION: Detailed programmatic specificity is no longer used in this combo, although it may be returning...

....in due season.

birdman941 · 30-06-2010, 11:28 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by onfire

Now available from KFC - two small breasts, two thick thighs and zero substance.. yes the Julia Gillard combo is available today!

Boom!

We have a similar menu here in the US:

FGII-XR6 · 01-07-2010, 01:32 AM

Same here in Australia

pauljh74 · 01-07-2010, 02:55 AM

Two women are chatting in an office.

Woman 1: "I had sex last night, did you?"

Woman 2: "Yes."

Woman 1: "Was it good?"

Woman 2: "No, it was a disaster... my husband came home, ate his dinner in three minutes, got on top of me, finished having sex in five minutes, rolled over and fell asleep in two minutes. How was yours?"

Woman 1: "Oh it was amazing! My husband came home and took me out to a romantic dinner. After dinner we walked for an hour. When we came home he lit the candles around the house and we had an hour of foreplay. We then had an hour long session of fantastic sex and afterwards talked for an hour. It was like a fairytale!"

At the same time, their husbands are talking at work.

Husband 1: "You wanted sex last night, how was it?"

Husband 2: "Great. I came home, dinner was on the table, I ate, had sex with my wife and fell asleep. It was great! What about you?"

Husband 1: "It was horrible. I came home, there's no dinner because they cut the electricity because I hadn't paid the bill; so I had to take my wife out to dinner which was so expensive that I didn't have money left for a cab. We had to walk home which took an hour - and when we got home I remembered there was no electricity so I had to light candles all over the house! I was so angry that I couldn't get it up for an hour and then I couldn't climax for another hour. After I finally did, I was so aggravated that I couldn't fall asleep and my wife was jabbering away for another hour!
********************************

BBC News: Australia has its first female PM.

I predict the economy will crash... Into the back of another economy.
********************************

Fled74 · 01-07-2010, 03:23 PM

A beautiful, well endowed, young blonde, goes to her local pet store in search of an exotic pet. As she looks about the store, she notices a box full of frogs. The sign says: Sex Frogs! Only $20 each! Money Back Guarantee! (Comes with complete instructions).

The girl excitedly looks around to see if anybody's watching her and whispers softly to the man behind the counter, "I'll take one." The man packaged the frog and said, "Just follow the instructions carefully."

The girl nods, grabs the box, and is quickly on her way home. As soon as she closes the door to her apartment, the girl takes out the instructions and reads them thoroughly, doing exactly what it says to do:

1. Take a shower.
2. Splash on some nice smelling perfume.
3. Slip into a very sexy teddy.
4. Crawl into bed and position the frog in place.

She then quickly gets into bed with the frog and, to her surprise, nothing happens! The girl is totally frustrated and quite upset at this point. She re-reads the instructions and notices at the bottom of the paper it says, "If you have any problems or questions, please call the pet store." So, the girl calls the pet store.

The man says, "I had some complaints earlier today. I'll be right over." Within five minutes, the man is ringing her doorbell. The girl welcomes him in and says, "See, I've done everything according to the instructions and the damn thing just sits there."

The man, looking very concerned, picks up the frog, stares directly into its eyes and sternly says: "Listen to me! I'm only going to show you how to do this one more time!"

Fled74 · 01-07-2010, 04:25 PM

My next door neighbour has a rather attractive blonde wife. Over the last few months whilst I have been working from home I have struck up quite a relationship with her and over time our regular meetings have started to become more intimate and flirty.

Last week I was round her house and after a couple of bottles of wine we started to become amorous on the sofa. One thing led to another and pretty soon we got down to business. Suddenly I heard the click of the front door shutting as her husband came home from his shift.

Walking into the room he surveyed the scene and screamed in shock. "What the hell do you think you're doing? Stop that right now, I only left her here for a few hours."

With a smile on my face as I looked at him in his grey parking inspectors' uniform, I replied, "Sorry sir, there's nothing I can do to stop it once I've put it in."

FG envy · 01-07-2010, 05:02 PM

Finally - - An answer I can Understand.

An American tourist asks an Irishman: "Why do Scuba divers always fall Backwards off their boats?"
To which the Irishman replies: "If they fell forwards they'd still be in the boat."

wrongwaynorris · 01-07-2010, 05:10 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by redxm

These new 3-D TVs are so realistic. I dozed off last night watching a doco about criminals. When I woke up my wallet was gone

Just like blow up dolls , could'nt believe how realistic they were till mines mother came to stay .

pauljh74 · 01-07-2010, 07:29 PM

When I was a kid my dad told me "I'm sick of getting socks for my birthday!"
"You ungrateful bastard!" I replied. "It's the thought that counts!"

I could tell from the look in his eyes he'd have kicked my head in......... If he had legs.
**************************

So I'm in the gym minding my own business when the guy next to me says:

"Hey, man, I can bench 300 pounds - what can you do?"

"Er, read."
**************************
How to commit suicide for married men:

My wife just came in the door.
"Hey, that's me back from the beauty salon!"
"Was it shut?" I asked.
**************************

A modern day cowboy has spent many days crossing the western plains without water. His horse has already died of thirst. He's crawling through the sand, certain that he has breathed his last breath, when all of a sudden; he sees an object sticking out of the sand several yards ahead of him. He crawls to the object, pulls it out of the sand, and discovers what looks to be an old brief case. He opens it and out pops a genie. But this is no ordinary genie. She is wearing an Inland Revenue ID badge and a dull gray dress. There's a calculator in her hand. She has a pencil tucked behind one ear.

"Well, cowboy," says the genie... "You know how I work. You have three wishes."

"I'm not falling for this." said the cowboy. "I'm not going to trust an Inland Revenue genie."

"What do you have to lose? You've got no transportation, and it looks like you're a goner anyway!"

The cowboy thinks about this for a minute, and decides that the genie is right. "OK, I wish I were in a lush oasis with plenty of food and drink."

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself in the most beautiful oasis he has ever seen. And he is surrounded with jugs of wine and platters of delicacies.

"OK, cowpoke, what's your second wish."

"My second wish is that I was rich beyond my wildest dreams."

***POOF*** The cowboy finds himself surrounded by treasure chests filled with rare gold coins and precious gems.

"OK, cowpuncher, you have just one more wish. Better make it a good one!"

After thinking for a few minutes, the cowboy says... "I wish that, no matter where I go, beautiful women will want and need me."

***POOF*** He turned into a tampon.

The moral of the story: If the government offers you anything, there's going to be a string attached.

FGII-XR6 · 02-07-2010, 12:04 PM

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a curse he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, 'Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you.'
The old man says without hesitation, 'I now pronounce you man and wife.'

T1 Terry · 02-07-2010, 02:06 PM

If you have raised kids (or been one), and gone through the pet syndrome, including toilet flush burials for dead goldfish, the story below will have you laughing out LOUD!

Overview: I had to take my son's lizard to the vet.

Here's what happened:

Just after dinner one night, my son came up to tell me there was 'something wrong' with one of the two lizards he holds prisoner in his room.

'He's just lying there looking sick,' he told me. 'I'm Serious, Dad. Can you help?'

I put my best lizard-healer expression on my face and followed him into his bedroom. One of the little lizards was indeed lying on his back, looking stressed. I immediately knew what to do.

'Honey,' I called, 'come look at the lizard!'

'Oh, my gosh!' my wife exclaimed. 'She's having babies.'

'What?' my son demanded. 'But their names are Bert and Ernie, Mum!'

I was equally outraged.

'Hey, how can that be? I thought we said we didn't want them to reproduce,' I said accusingly to my wife.

'Well, what do you want me to do, post a sign in their cage?' she inquired (I think she actually said this sarcastically!)

'No, but you were supposed to get two boys!' I reminded her, (in my most loving, calm, sweet voice, while gritting my teeth).

'Yeah, Bert and Ernie!' my son agreed.

'Well, it's just a little hard to tell on some guys, you know,' she informed me (again with the sarcasm)!

By now the rest of the family had gathered to see what was going on. I shrugged, deciding to make the best of it.

'Kids, this is going to be a wondrous experience,' I announced. 'We're about to witness the miracle of birth.'

'Oh, gross!' they shrieked.

'Well, isn't THAT just great? What are we going to do with a litter of tiny little lizard babies?' my wife wanted to know.

We peered at the patient. After much struggling, what looked like a tiny foot would appear briefly, vanishing a scant second later.

'We don't appear to be making much progress,' I noted.

'its breech,' my wife whispered, horrified

'Do something, Dad!' my son urged.

'Okay, okay.' Squeamishly, I reached in and grabbed the foot when it next appeared, giving it a gentle tug.

It disappeared. I tried several more times with the same results.

'Should I call 000?' my eldest daughter wanted to know. Maybe they could talk us through the trauma.' (You see a pattern here with the females in my house?)

'Let's get Ernie to the vet,' I said grimly. We drove to the vet with my son holding the cage in his lap.

'Breathe, Ernie, breathe,' he urged.

'I don't think lizards do Lamaze,' his mother noted to him. (Women can be so cruel to their own young. I mean, what she does to me is one thing, but this boy is of her womb, for God's sake.)

The vet took Ernie back to the examining room and peered at the little animal through a magnifying glass.

'What do you think, Doc, a C-section?' I suggested scientifically.

'Oh, very interesting,' he murmured. 'Mr. And Mrs. Cameron, may I speak to you privately for a moment?'

I gulped, nodding for my son to step outside.

'Is Ernie going to be okay?' my wife asked.

'Oh, perfectly,' the vet assured us. 'This lizard is not in labour. In fact, that isn't EVER going to happen. Ernie is a boy. You see, Ernie is a young male. And Occasionally, as they come into maturity, like most male species, they um . . Um . . Masturbate. Just the way he did, lying on his back.' He blushed, glancing at my wife.

We were silent, absorbing this.

'So, Ernie's just . Just . . Excited,' my wife offered.

'Exactly!' The vet replied, relieved that we understood.

More silence. Then my vicious, cruel wife started to giggle. And giggle. And then even laugh loudly.

'What's so funny?' I demanded, knowing, but not believing that the woman I married would commit the upcoming affront to my flawless manliness.

Tears were now running down her face. 'It's just that . . . I'm picturing you pulling on its . . Its. . . Teeny little . . . ' She gasped for more air to bellow in laughter once more.

'That's enough,' I warned. We thanked the vet and hurriedly bundled the lizard and our son back into the car. He was glad everything was going to be okay.

'I know Ernie's really thankful for what you did, Dad,' he told me.

'Oh, you have NO idea,' my wife agreed, collapsing with laughter.

Two lizards: $140.
One cage: $50.
Trip to the vet: $30.
Memory of your husband pulling on a lizard's winkie: Priceless!
Moral of the story: Pay attention in biology class.

Lizards lay eggs!

T1 Terry

pauljh74 · 03-07-2010, 12:37 AM

I met a fairy today who granted me one wish. "I want to live forever," I said.
"Sorry," said the fairy, "I'm not allowed to grant wishes like that."
"Fine," I said, "I want to die when the Aussies win the soccer World Cup."
"You crafty bastard!" said the fairy.
*********************************

I bet the new Twilight film will be like watching the world cup. 90 minutes of overpaid bastards running around, nobody scores and a bunch of men will take their shirts off.

Resurrection · 03-07-2010, 12:51 AM

Bastards
Organising
Second
Coming of
Hitler

sarrge2001 · 03-07-2010, 09:07 AM

After Nigeria was eliminated from the world cup, the Nigerian goalkeeper has personally offered to refund all the expenses of fans who travelled to South Africa. He said he just needs their bank details and pin numbers to complete the transaction.

**Burnout** · 03-07-2010, 07:06 PM

After becoming very frustrated with the attitude of one of the shopkeepers, the young blonde declared, 'Well, then, maybe I'll just go out and catch my own alligator and get a pair of alligator shoes for free!' The shopkeeper replied with a sly smile, 'Well, little lady, why don't you go on and give it a try?' The blonde headed off to the swamp, determined to catch an alligator. Later in the day, as the shopkeeper was driving home, he spotted the same young woman standing waist deep in the
murky water, shotgun in hand.

As he brought his car to a stop, he saw a huge 9-foot gator swimming
rapidly toward her. With lightning reflexes, the blonde took aim, shot the
creature and hauled it up onto the slippery bank. Nearby were 7 more dead gators all lying belly up. The shopkeeper stood on the bank, watching in silent amazement as the blonde struggled mightily and barely managed to flip the gator onto its back.

Then, rolling her eyes heavenward, she screamed in frustration.....
'OH CR*P! THIS ONE'S BAREFOOT, TOO!

BuckTooth · 04-07-2010, 11:10 PM

Little girl is sitting on her brand new bike (christmas present) when a traffic cop on a horse rides up beside her. Nice bike he says, thank you she replies, santa gave it to me. As he looks down at her, he says, i'm gonna have to write you up a ticket, maybe next time you see santa you should tell him that the bike needs reflectors. Little girl with a stubborn look on her face takes the ticket, looks the copper straight in the eye and says next time tell santa the dick goes under the horse not on it.

Touch it gently, put two fingers inside, if its big put three fingers in. Make sure its wet, Rub it up and down. Yeah.................... Thats how ya wash a cup.

Thought for the day. Why is it at the olympics that Black men always win the running, and white men win the shooting.

How do you know when your to drunk to drive........ You swerve to miss a tree and realize its the air freshener hanging from your mirror.

Your on a horse, galloping away at speed. On your right is a sharp drop off, on your left is an elephant travelling at the same speed as you. Directly in front off you is a kangaroo and your horse is un able to overtake it. Behind you a lion is chasing you.
What must you do to safely get out of this highly dangerous situation.........

Get your drunken *** of the merry-go round and act your age.

T1 Terry · 05-07-2010, 12:56 PM

Little Billy asks his dad for a telly in his room.

Dad reluctantly agrees.

Next day Billy comes downstairs and asks, 'Dad, what's love juice?'

Dad looks horrified but relents and tells Billy all about sex.

Billy just sat there with his mouth open in amazement.

Dad says, 'So what were you watching?'

Billy says, ' Wimbledon .'

T1 Terry

TheInterceptor · 07-07-2010, 07:14 PM

(you may or may not get it...)

Ford V8 B series owners: the only people that really love their boss.

**Burnout** · 08-07-2010, 03:40 PM

A billboard in Brisbane:

Fled74 · 08-07-2010, 10:15 PM

A man arrives at the gates of heaven.
St. Peter asks, "Religion?"

The man says, "Anglican."

St. Peter looks down his list, and says, "Go to room 24, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

Another man arrives at the gates of heaven. "Religion?"

"Catholic."

"Go to room 17, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

A third man arrives at the gates. "Religion?"

"Jewish."

"Go to room 11, but be very quiet as you pass room 8."

The next man says, "I can understand there being different rooms for different religions, but why must I be quiet when I pass room 8?"

St. Peter tells him, "The Jehovah's Witnesses are in room 8; they think they're the only ones up here."

FGII-XR6 · 09-07-2010, 11:43 AM

Sign over a a podiatrist's office:
"Time wounds all heels."
**************************
On a septic tank truck:
Yesterday's meals on wheels
**************************
On a plumber's truck:
"We repair what your husband fixed."
**************************
On another plumber's truck:
"Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
**************************
On a church's bill board:
"7 days without God makes one weak."
**************************
At a tyre store
"Invite us to your next blowout."
**************************
On an electrician's truck:
"Let us remove your shorts."
**************************
In a non-smoking area:
"If we see smoke, we will assume you are on fire and take appropriate
action."
**************************
On a maternity room door:
"Push. Push. Push."
**************************
At an optometrist's office:
"If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
**************************
On a taxidermist's window:
"We really know our stuff."
**************************
On a fence:
"Salesmen welcome! Dog food is expensive!"
**************************
At a car dealership:
"The best way to get back on your feet - miss a car payment."
**************************
Outside a car exhaust store:
"No appointment necessary. We hear you coming.."
**************************
In a vet's waiting room:
"Be back in 5 minutes. Sit! Stay!"
**************************
In a restaurant window:
"Don't stand there and be hungry; come on in and get fed up."
**************************
In the front yard of a funeral home:
"Drive carefully. We'll wait."

FGII-XR6 · 09-07-2010, 11:58 AM

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night before last.

Date: 2009-05-27, 1 :43 a.m. E.S.T.

I was the guy wearing the black Burberry jacket that you demanded that I
hand over, shortly after you pulled the knife on me and my girlfriend,
threatening our lives. You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and
earrings. I can only hope that you somehow come across this rather
important message.

First, I'd like to apologize for your embarrassment; I didn't expect you
to actually crap in your pants when I drew my pistol after you took my
jacket..
The even ing was not that cold, and I was wearing the jacket for a reason..
My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45 ACP pistol for
my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very
evening. Obviously you agree that it is a very intimidating weapon when
pointed at your head ... isn't it?!

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from
with that brown sludge in your pants. I'm sure it was even worse walking
bare-footed since I made you leave your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with
me. [That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come
help mug us again].

After I called your mother or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell,
I explained the entire episode of what you'd done. Then I went and filled
up my gas tank as well as those of four other people in the gas station,
-- on your credit card. The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons
and was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside Vinnie Van Go Go's, along with
all the cash in your wallet. [That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp mobile" that was parked
at the curb .... after I broke the windshield and side window and keyed
the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Ma Bell
just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little
over a day now, so what 's going on with that? Earlier, I managed to get
in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI,
while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.

The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess
while he traced your number etc.).

;In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I feel
this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your
threatened crime. I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these
rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider, the career path
you've chosen to pursue in life.. Remember, next time you might not be so
lucky.Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,

Alex

birdman941 · 09-07-2010, 12:02 PM

He who fart in Church sit in his own pew..................

FGII-XR6 · 09-07-2010, 12:06 PM

The Top Ten Reasons Men Prefer Rifles Over Women

#10. You can trade an old 44 for a new 22.
#9. You can keep one Rifle at home and have another for when you're on the
road.
#8. If you admire a friend's Rifle and tell him so, he will probably let
you try it out a few times.
#7. Your primary Rifle doesn't mind if you keep another Rifle for a backup.
#6. Your Rifle will stay with you even if you run out of ammo.
#5. A Rifle doesn't take up a lot of closet space.
#4. Rifles function normally every day of the month.
#3. A Rifle doesn't ask, "Do these new grips make me look fat?"
#2. A Rifle doesn't mind if you go to sleep after you use it.
And the number one reason a Rifle is favored over a woman:
#1. YOU CAN BUY A SILENCER FOR A RIFLE

FGII-XR6 · 09-07-2010, 12:10 PM

When you walk out the door in the morning and see this in the sky......
.....just go back inside, have another cup of coffee, and stay home. It's
NOT going to be a good day.

FGII-XR6 · 09-07-2010, 12:12 PM

How To Stop Church Gossip
==========================
Mildred, the church gossip, and self-appointed monitor of the church's
morals, kept sticking her nose into other people's business. Several
members did not approve of her extracurricular activities, but feared her
enough to maintain their silence.
She made a mistake, however, when she accused Frank, a new member, of
being an alcoholic after she saw his old pickup parked in front of the
town's only bar one afternoon.
She emphatically told Frank (and several others) that everyone seeing it
there WOULD KNOW WHAT HE WAS DOING !
Frank, a man of few words, stared at her for a moment and just turned and
walked away. He didn't explain, defend, or deny.
He said nothing.
Later that evening, Frank quietly parked his pickup in front of Mildred's
house... walked home... and left it there all night.
(You gotta love Frank!)

FGII-XR6 · 09-07-2010, 12:17 PM

clever advertising

FGII-XR6 · 09-07-2010, 12:20 PM

A husband and wife are shopping in their local Wal-Mart.
The husband picks up a case of Budweiser and puts it in their cart.
'What do you think you're doing?' asks the wife.
'They're on sale, only $10 for 24 cans he replies.
'Put them back, we can't afford them demands the wife, and so they carry on
shopping.
A few aisles further on along the woman picks up a $20 jar of face cream
and puts it in the basket.
What do you think you're doing?' asks the husband.
'It's my face cream. It makes me look beautiful,' replies the wife.
Her husband retorts: 'So does 24 cans of Budweiser and it's half the
price.'

Mickxr8 · 10-07-2010, 12:59 AM

A blonde hurries into the emergency room late one night with the tip of her index finger shot off. "How did this happen?" the emergency room doctor asked her. Well, I was trying to commit suicide, she replied. "What?" sputtered the doctor. "You tried to commit suicide by shooting your finger off?" "No, Silly!" the blonde said. "First I put the gun to my chest, and I thought: I just paid $6,000.00 for these breast implants, I'm not shooting myself in the chest." "And then?" asked the doctor. "Then I put the gun in my mouth, and I thought: I just paid $3000.00 to get my teeth straightened, I'm not shooting myself in the mouth." "And then?" "Then I put the gun to my ear, and I thought: This is going to make a loud noise. So I put my finger in the other ear before I pulled the trigger." .