What jokes do you know?

[Gavin Thomas]

A ****ed bogan at a night club staggers up to a hot young chick and says "duck my sick".... You're drunk she says to the dude - don't you mean "suck my d*ck" ??..... He pukes all over her and replies "no". :evil3:

[FGII-XR6]

Justice in Sydney

A seven-year old boy was at the center of a courtroom drama yesterday when
he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him.

The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge
initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with child custody law
and regulation requiring that family unity be maintained to the highest
degree possible.

The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more
than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the
judge then suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried and
said that they also beat him.

After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that
domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took
the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have
custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with the child
welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Wests Tigers , whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

I FELL FOR IT!! DON'T FEEL BAD IF YOU DID TOO!!!

[FGII-XR6]

UNDERSTANDING WOMEN

(A MAN'S PERSPECTIVE)

I know I'm not going to understand women.

I'll never understand how you can take boiling hot wax,

pour it onto your private areas, rip the hair out by the root,

and still be afraid of a spider.

[FGII-XR6]

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws.

[pauljh74]

On New Year's Eve, Daniel was in no shape to drive so he sensibly left his van in the car park and walked home.
As he was wobbling along, he was stopped by a policeman.
"What are you doing out here at four o'clock in the morning?" asked the police officer.

"I'm on my way to a lecture," answered Daniel.

"And who on Earth, in their right mind, is going to give a lecture at this time on New Year's Eve?" enquired the constable sarcastically.

"My wife," slurred Daniel grimly.

[Kamshaaft]

Originally Posted by au3xr6

WIFE VS. HUSBAND

A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word.

An earlier discussion had led to an argument and

neither of them wanted to concede their position.

As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs,

the wife asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?"

"Yep," the husband replied, "in-laws.

There are soe great jokes in this thread, but man, this one takes the cake! pure GOLD.

[RSgerry]

The missus just found out I replaced our bed with a trampoline.

She hit the roof.

[prydey]

sometimes i wake up grumpy, other times i let her sleep in

[Iggypoppin']

I bought some powdered water; I didn't know what to add.

I've just had skylights put in; the people who live above me are furious.

I bought a humidifier and a dehumidifier; I put them in a room and let them fight it out.

I have a hobby. I have the worlds largest pebble collection. I store it on beaches all over the world; maybe you've seen it before?

I once saw a stationary shop move.

I played poker with tarot cards last night. I got a full house, and everyone died.

[burnz]

A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

"The other day I was cruising along as usual coming onto one of my motorways, which was very busy with inferior cars.

First off, I couldn't believe that the volume of traffic DIDN'T slow down for me AT ALL as I came off the slip road! I had to squeeze into a barely big enough gap between two cars in order to get onto my motorway!

The driver of the car behind me did realise his mistake though and honked an apology to me with a long blast of his horn.

Unbelievably, I had to do the same again before I could get to the BMW lane.

Anyway, once I was in the BMW lane and posing along at 110 mph enjoying the adulation that the inferior car drivers were giving me, I noticed an inferior car ahead of me which was not only in the BMW lane of my motorway, but was driving at a ridiculous 70 mph!

Naturally, I got within a foot or so of his rear bumper and flashed my headlights to remind him he shouldn't be in the BMW lane of my motorway and to get out of my way.

Of course, once he realised it was a BMW behind him, he did just that, but I could hardly believe it when he pulled straight back out behind me!

He also tried to keep up with me and when he realised I would out-run him, he put on some blue lights in his front grill and urged me to get onto the hard shoulder so that he could congratulate me on my excellent car.

Needless to say, I was eager to oblige and when we had stopped, the man gave me a piece of paper confirming what I already knew - that my car goes fast!

Apparently he wants everyone to know what a superior car I have, so I had to take my drivers licence to a police station to be sent away to have some points put on! (They're not free points either - they're $150 each and I was only allowed 3.) But the man at the police station said that because I drive a BMW, it won't be much longer before I earn the full 12 points, and then I won't even NEED a driving licence, so they will take it off me!

See, now THAT'S the sort of respect you get when you own and drive a BMW! "

[pauljh74]

Originally Posted by burnz

A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

So funny because it's not far off the truth

[xy500]

Originally Posted by burnz

A day from the diary of a BMW driver...

bloody funny!

[FGII-XR6]

Subject:Termination of Employment.

For the Annual Company Picnic, management had decided that because of liability issues, we could have alcohol, but only one drink per person...
I was fired for ordering the cups

[Fled74]

What do Mexicans have under their floorboards?
Underlay, underlay! (say it out loud)

[Jason[98.EL]]

> The
> first blonde guy joke?
>
> The very first ever Blonde GUY joke..... And well worth the
> wait!
>
> An Irishman , a Mexican
> and a Blonde Guy were doing construction work on scaffolding on the
> 20th floor of a building.
>
> They were eating lunch and the Irishman said,
> "Corned beef and cabbage! If I get corned beef and
> cabbage one more time for lunch, I'm going to jump off
> this building."
>
> The Mexican opened his lunch box and
> exclaimed,
> "Burritos
> again! If I get burritos one more time I'm going to jump
> off, too."
>
>
> The blonde opened his lunch and said,
> "
> Bologna
> again! If I get a bologna sandwich one more time, I'm
> jumping too."
>
> The next day, the Irishman opened his lunch box, saw corned
> beef and cabbage, and jumped to his
> death.
>
> The Mexican opened his lunch,
> saw a burrito, and jumped, too.
>
>
> The blonde guy opened his lunch, saw the bologna and jumped
> to his death as well.
>
> At the funeral, the Irishman's wife was weeping. She
> said, "If I'd known how really tired he was of
> corned beef and cabbage, I never would have given it to him
> again!"
>
> The Mexican's wife also wept and said, "I could
> have given him
> tacos or enchiladas! I didn't realize he hated burritos
> so much."
>
>
> (Oh this is GOOD!!)
>
> Everyone turned and stared at the blonde's wife. The
> blonde's wife said,
>
> "Don't look at me.. The idiot makes his own
> lunch."

[Mickxr8]

hi all. not sure where to post this but.
an email from a mate Re his little trip last week in the ol shopping trolley


Subject: A funny thing happened on the way to bottleshop.....

"Nice day today, not too hot, might go for a drive to visit Sue" I thought.

Small problem, yesterday while Sick Boy was here he spotted that there is a large bulge in the passenger side front tyre on Sunny. May be a good idea to change that, so found the wheel brace and cracked the wheel nuts and took off the little dust cap/hub cap thingy, Opened the garage door so that there is enough room to open the sunny tailgate, prop it open with the length of PVC pipe and got out the jack and handle and spare.

Rolling the spare along towards the front of the car I realised why this was the spare, a large bulge starting to split the tread. Ah yes I remember now (That is some good ). So after a few seconds comparing bulges two positive things occurred to me,
1) Since the bulge on the spare is larger than the one already on the Sunny no use changing them now.
2) Since the bulge on the spare is larger than the one already on the Sunny and it has not blown yet then the one on there must be good for at least another day !

So after returning all the stuff to the back of 'ol Sunny I rounded up all my and hit road.
Gotta call into the woolies bottle-o for some pre-mix cans, that bulge does cause a bit of a wobble and it has definitely gotten worse in the last couple of days, No worries, once I turn left at the roundabout onto Hale road I will give it some juice and see if it mellows out.

Now in dipshits at roundabouts ! What is so hard about merging into the gap left by the car turning left ? anyway the nanna finally gets a gap large enough for the space shuttle launch pad to crawl through and I am off ! Givin it round the left hander onto Hale road.

Well movin along faster has done nothing to mellow that wheel and It is starting to make a rattling noise as well, might just get to the bottle-o and have a closer look.

Turned left into the shopping centre and gave it a squirt, hit second and the front end hits the deck and my bulged front wheel is off through the carpark behind Blockbuster video.

It took a few seconds for it to occur to me that maybe I should have tightened those wheel nuts again after I decided not to change that wheel.

Found my wheel about 150 metres away, hiding in a garden bed, but 'ol Sunny is sitting on the brake disc and the tie rod end with a nice gouge in the bitumen for about ten metres behind it.

Was able to get the jack under the front and get enough height to stick the sidewall of the tyre under the disc and take another bite with the jack. Quick damage assessment, not too bad, lever the dust shield off the disc, whack the wheel back on with a wheel nut off each of the other wheels and I am off. NEEDED a can by then and lucky I had the forethought to roll a nice doobie for the drive. Also the bulge is not too bad, get over 60 and ya cant even feel it.

Moral of this story - NEVER do today what you can put off til tomorrow
and - preventative maintenance, what a load of

[FGII-XR6]

Bubba's sister was pregnant and was in a bad car accident, which caused her
to fall into a deep coma.
After nearly six months, she awoke and saw that she was no longer pregnant.
Frantically, she asked the doctor about her baby.

The doctor replied, "Ma'am, you had twins - a boy and a girl. The babies
are fine. Your brother came in and named them."

The woman thought to herself, "Oh, no! Not Bubba; he's an idiot!"
Expecting the worst, she asks the doctor, "Well, what's the girl's name?"

"Denise," the doctor answers.

The new mother says, "Wow! That's a beautiful name, maybe I was wrong
about my brother. I really like the name "Denise." What's the boy's
name?"

The doctor replies, "Denephew."

[FGII-XR6]

new computer game for women

[FGII-XR6]

"I'm not saying that the customer service in my bank is bad, but I went in
the other day and asked the teller to check my balance. She leaned over and
pushed me over and said "not verry good"!"

"We are living in a strange world today where lemonade is made from artificial
flavors and furniture polish is made from real lemons."

Everybody is ignorant, only on different subjects.

Dennis was down at the local police station wanting to talk to the burglar
who'd broken in his house the night before.

The desk sergeant was adamant. "No. You'll get your chance in court, sir."

"No, no, you don't understand," Dennis said. "I want to know how the hell
he got into the house without waking my wife. I've been trying to do that
for years!"

[FGII-XR6]

NEVER CHEAT ON A SOUTHERN WOMAN!

A Southern wife came home just in time to find
her husband in bed with another woman.
With super-human strength, born of fury, and
cutting firewood power, she dragged him by the
Willy down the stairs, out the backdoor, and
into the tool shed out back of the barn.
She put his manhood in a vice, then secured it
tightly and removed the handle.
Next she picked up an old carpenter's saw.
The banged-up cheater was terrified, and
hollered, Stop! Stop! You're not gonna cut
it off with that rusty saw, are you?
The wife put the saw in her husband's hand and
said, Nope. I'm gonna set this old shed
on fire. You do whatever you want.

[birdman941]

This guy is walking through Chinatown
and sees a building with a sign “Lars Olafsen’s Laundry.”

“Lars Olafsen?”, he thinks. “How in the world does that fit in here?”

So, he walks into the shop and sees an old Chinese gentleman sitting in the corner.
The visitor asks,
“How in the world did this place get a name like Lars Olafsen’s Laundry?”

The old man answers “Is name of owner.”

The visitor asks, “Well, who is the owner?”

“I am he,” answers the old man.

“You? How did you ever get a name like Lars Olafsen?”

The old man replies:

“Many years ago when I come to this country,
I was standing in line at Documentation Center.
Man in front of me was big blond Norwegian.
Lady look at him and go, ‘What your name?’
He say, ‘Lars Olafsen.’
She look at me and say, ‘What your name?’
I say, ‘Sam Ting.’

[pauljh74]

There was a survey of married men about their favourite sex position. 2/3rds voted doggy style - where they sit on the edge of the bed and beg for it from the missus.
******************************

Jesus and his disciples were in heaven, discussing the serious problem of drugs on earth.
'Ok.' Jesus said. 'I want you all to go to earth and get some drugs for us, then we can test to see which ones are good or not!'
So Jesus' 12 disciples went to earth and recovered some drugs. John was first to come back. He knocked on the door and Jesus answered: 'Who is it?'
'John, and I have Crack, from New York.'
'Very well, come in.' 10 minutes later there was another knock.
'It's Luke, and I have Hash from Amsterdam.'
'Very well, come in.' 10 minutes later, there was another knock.
'It's Matthew, and I have Weed, from Barbados.'
'Very well, come in.' 5 minutes later, there was a other knock at the door.
'Who is it?' Jesus asked.
'It's Judas.'
'What has Judas brought to our meeting?'
'The FBI! Up against the wall!'
*****************************

[wkd-windza]

Holden manufactured its 10 millionth commodore this week, the employee responsible has been fired

[Burnout]

Poor old Granddad's passed away, cut off in his prime,
He never had a day off crook - gone before his time,
We found him in the dunny, collapsed there on the seat,
A startled look upon his face, his trousers around his feet,

The doctor said his heart was good - fit as any trout,
The Constable he had his say, 'foul play' was not ruled out.

There were theories at the inquest of snakebite without trace,
Of redbacks quietly creeping and death from outer space,
No-one had a clue at all - the judge was in some doubt,
When Dad was called to have his say as to how it came about,
'I reckon I can clear it up,' said Dad with trembling breath,
'You see it's quite a story - but it could explain his death.'

'This here exploration mob had been looking at our soil,
And they reckoned that our farm was just the place to look for oil.
So they came and put a bore down and said they'd make some trials,
They drilled a hole as deep as hell, they said about three miles!
Well, they never found a trace of oil and off they went, post haste.

But I couldn't see a hole like that go to flamin' waste,
So I moved the dunny over it - a real smart move I thought -
I'd never have to dig again - I'd never be 'caught short'.

The day I moved the dunny, it looked a proper sight,
But I didn't dream poor Granddad would pass away that night,
Now I reckon what has happened - poor Granddad didn't know,
The dunny was re-located when that night he had to go.

And you'll probably be wondering how poor Granddad did his dash-
Well, he always used to hold his breath;

Until he heard the splash!

[pauljh74]

I went paintballing with some Americans.

I spent ages cleaning my back afterwards.
*************************

The English are feeling the pinch in relation to recent terrorist threats and have raised their security level from "Miffed" to "Peeved." Soon, though, security levels may be raised yet again to "Irritated" or even "A Bit Cross." The English have not been "A Bit Cross" since the blitz in 1940 when tea supplies all but ran out. Terrorists have been re-categorized from "Tiresome" to a "Bloody Nuisance." The last time the British issued a "Bloody Nuisance" warning level was in 1588 when threatened by the Spanish Armada.

The Scots raised their threat level from "****ed Off" to "Let's get the Bastards". They don't have any other levels. This is the reason they have been used on the front line of the British army for the last 300 years.

The French government announced yesterday that it has raised its terror alert level from "Run" to "Hide". The only two higher levels in France are "Collaborate" and "Surrender." The rise was precipitated by a recent fire that destroyed France's white flag factory, effectively paralysing the country's military capability. It's not only the French who are on a heightened level of alert. Italy has increased the alert level from "Shout loudly and excitedly" to "Elaborate Military Posturing." Two more levels remain: "Ineffective Combat Operations" and "Change Sides."

The Germans also increased their alert state from "Disdainful Arrogance" to "Dress in Uniform and Sing Marching Songs." They also have two higher levels: "Invade a Neighbour" and "Lose".

Belgians, on the other hand, are all on holiday as usual, and the only threat they are worried about is NATO pulling out of Brussels.

The Spanish are all excited to see their new submarines ready to deploy. These beautifully designed subs have glass bottoms so the new Spanish navy can get a really good look at the old Spanish navy.

Americans meanwhile and as usual are carrying out pre-emptive strikes, on all of their allies, just in case.

And in the southern hemisphere...

New Zealand has also raised its security levels - from "baaa" to "BAAAA!". Due to continuing defence cutbacks (the air force being a squadron of spotty teenagers flying paper aeroplanes and the navy some toy boats in the Prime Minister's bath), New Zealand only has one more level of escalation, which is "I hope Australia will come and rescue us".

Australia, meanwhile, has raised its security level from "No worries" to "She'll be right, mate". Three more escalation levels remain: "Crikey!', "I think we'll need to cancel the barbie this weekend" and "The barbie is cancelled". So far no situation has ever warranted use of the final escalation level.
***********************

Due to a water shortage in Ireland, Dublin swimming baths have announced they will be closing lanes 7 and 8.
***********************

I've just found out i've developed a strange passion for tasting brake fluid....thought it might be addictive but don't worry....I can STOP anytime

[scoupedy]

Whats long and hard and FArks Kiwi's?







Primary school



President George W Bush is having a meeting when an advisor tells him: " mr President we have just got word that 3 Brazillian soldiers have been killed in Iraq" The President goes crazy swearing and cursing the terrorists and ends up crying his head on the table, he stops sobbing looks up to the advisor and asks " how many is a Brazillion again"


Man calls work to say he is not coming in due to being sick
Boss: you don't sound very sick
Worker: I know but i am sleeping with my sister thats pritty sick"


Oh last one:
The Queensland Liberal party

[birdman941]

Originally Posted by pauljh74

I went paintballing with some Americans.

I spent ages cleaning my back afterwards. *************************

Wow, thanks a lot.
Go to ANY American board,
you will see Australians treated with nothing but respect.

[Fev]

Just a joke dude, don't take things so seriously.

[xy500]

Originally Posted by birdman941

Wow, thanks a lot.
Go to ANY American board,
you will see Australians treated with nothing but respect.

jeez yanks are so up tight about jokes aren't they.

[irlewy86]

Originally Posted by birdman941

Wow, thanks a lot.
Go to ANY American board,
you will see Australians treated with nothing but respect.

Whats the difference between an Australian wedding and an Australian Funeral?

One less drunk.

An Australian fan is on the train to Eden park with a Wallaby under his arm. An old Kiwi bloke is sitting across from him staring at the wallaby with a preplexed look on his face when he speaks up. "You know you cant take pigs into the ground?"
The Aussie fires back "Its a wallaby you idiot!"
The Kiwi sighs, " I wasn't talking to you."