What jokes do you know? - Page 46

FGII-XR6 · 15-08-2009, 02:09 PM

RALPHIE Had Shingles. Those of us who spend much time in a doctor's office
should appreciate this! Doesn't it seem more and more that physicians are
running their practices like an assembly line? Here's what happened to
RALPHIE:

RALPHIE walked into a doctor's office and the receptionist asked him what
he had. RALPHIE said: 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his name, address,
medical insurance number and told him to have a seat.

Fifteen minutes later a nurse's aide came out and asked RALPHIE what he
had.
RALPHIE said, 'Shingles.' So she wrote down his height, weight, a complete
medical history and told RALPHIE to wait in the examining room.

A half hour later a nurse came in and asked RALPHIE what he had. RALPHIE
said, 'Shingles.' So the nurse gave RALPHIE a blood test, a blood pressure
test, an electrocardiogram, and told RALPHIE to take off all his clothes
and wait for the doctor.

An hour later the doctor came in and found RALPHIE sitting patiently in the
nude and asked RALPHIE what he had. RALPHIE said, 'Shingles.'

The doctor asked, 'Where?'

RALPHIE said, 'Outside on the truck. Where do you want me to unload 'em??'

FGII-XR6 · 15-08-2009, 02:10 PM

Morning Sex

She was standing in the kitchen, preparing our usual soft-boiled eggs and
toast for breakfast, wearing only the 'T' shirt that she normally slept
in.

As I walked in, almost awake, she turned to me and said softly, "You've got
to make love to me this very moment!"

My eyes lit up and I thought, "I am either still dreaming or this is going
to be my lucky day!"

Not wanting to lose the moment, I embraced her and then gave it my all;
right there on the kitchen table.

Afterwards she said, "Thanks," and returned to the stove, her T-shirt still
around her neck.

Happy, but a little puzzled, I asked, "What was that all about?"

She explained, . . . . . "The egg timer's broken."

**Burnout** · 15-08-2009, 03:49 PM

A doctor in Ireland wanted to get off work and go fishing, so he approached
his assistant.
"Paddy, I am going fishing tomorrow and don't want to close the clinic.
I want you to take care of the clinic and take care of all me patients".
"Yes, sir!" answers Paddy
The doctor goes fishing and returns the following day and asks:
"So,Paddy, how was your day?"
Paddy told him that he took care of three patients. "The first one had a
headache so I gave him TYLENOL."
"Bravo Mate, and the second one?" asks the doctor.
"The second one had stomach burning and I gave him MAALOX, sir" says
Paddy "Bravo, bravo! You're good at this and what about the third one?"
asks the doctor.
"Sir, I was sitting here and suddenly the door opens and a woman enters.
Like a flame, she undresses herself, taking off everything including her
bra and her panties and lies down on the table, spreading her legs and
shouts: 'HELP ME! For five years I have not seen any man!'"
"Tunderin' lard Jesus Paddy, what did you do?" asks the doctor.
"I put drops in her eyes."

Muzz Landau · 15-08-2009, 11:18 PM

A man took his wife to the rodeo and one of the first exhibits they stopped at was the breeding bulls.
They went up to the first pen and there was a sign attached that read, "This bull mated 50 times last year."
The wife playfully nudged her husband in the ribs and said, "He mated 50 times last year."
They walked to the second pen which had a sign attached that said, "This bull mated 120 times last year."
The wife gave her husband a healthy jab and said, "That's more than twice a week! You could learn a lot from him."
They walked to the third pen and it had a sign attached that read, in capital letters, "This bull mated 365 times last year."
The wife, so excited that her elbow nearly broke her husband's ribs, said, "That's once a day. You could REALLY learn
something from this one."
The husband looked at her and said, "Go over and ask him if it was with the same cow."

Jason[98.EL] · 16-08-2009, 10:01 AM

one for the ladies of the forum

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

Dear Tech Support ,

Recently I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewellery applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .

In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as:
· Romance 9.5 and
· Personal Attention 6.5,

And then installed undesirable programs such as :
· CRICKET 3.0 and
· GOLF CLUBS 4.1.1 ..

Also Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and
Housecleaning 2.6 simply crashes s the system.

· Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.

What can I do?

Signed,
Desperate.

DEAR DESPERATE ,

First, keep in mind,
· Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while
· Husband 1.0 is an operating system.

Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.HTML and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.1.0 update.
· If that application works as designed,Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewellery 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.

However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5, Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 ..
· Please note that Beer 6. 1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Trojan

Whatever you do, DO NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in
The background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources..)

In addition, please do not attempt to reinstall the Boyfriend 5.0 program These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .

In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend
· Cooking 3.0 and
· Hot Lingerie 7.7.

Good Luck!
Tech Support

**Burnout** · 16-08-2009, 10:41 AM

Three Aussies were working on a high-rise building project - Steve, Bruce
and Bluey.

Steve falls off and is killed instantly.

As the ambulance takes the body away, Bruce says, "Someone should go and
tell his wife."

Bluey says, "OK, I'm pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I'll do it."

Two hours later, he comes back carrying a case of Fosters.

Bruce says, "Where did you get that, Bluey?"

"Steve's wife gave it to me," Bluey replies.

"That's unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave
you the beer?"

"Well not exactly," Bluey says. "When she answered the door, I said to her,
'You must be Steve's widow'.

She said, 'No, I'm not a widow.'

And I said, 'I'll bet you a case of Fosters you are'."

mafiastafcar · 16-08-2009, 11:10 PM

Why do bagpipers march?

To get away from the noise!

**Charliewool** · 17-08-2009, 07:57 PM

More revenge than a joke?....

To the Guy Who Tried to Mug Me in Downtown Savannah night
before last. Date: 05-27-09, 1:43 A M EST.
I was the guy wearing the black Burberry
jacket that you demanded that I hand over, shortly after you pulled the
knife on my girlfriend and me, threatening our lives.

You also asked for my girlfriend's purse and earrings.

I can only hope that you somehow
come across this rather important message.

First, I'd like to apologize
for your embarrassment when I drew my pistol
after you took my Jacket.
The evening was not that cold, and I was wearing
the jacket for a reason.

My girlfriend had just bought me that Kimber Model 1911 .45
ACP pistol for my birthday, and we had picked up a shoulder holster for it that very evening.

You must agree that it is a very Intimidating weapon when pointed at your head, wasn't it?

I know it probably wasn't fun walking back to wherever you'd come from bare
footed since I made you leave
your shoes, cell phone, and wallet with me.
(That prevented you from calling or running to your buddies to come help mug us again].

After I called your mother, or "Momma" as you had her listed in your cell, I explained the entire episode of what you'd done.
Then I Went and filled up my gas tank as well as four other people's in the gas
station on your credit card.

The guy with the big motor home took 150 gallons and
was extremely grateful!

I gave your shoes to a homeless guy outside
Vinnie Van Go Gos, along with all the cash in your wallet.

[That made his day!]

I then threw your wallet into the big pink "pimp
mobile" that was parked at
the curb ... after I broke the windshield and side window
and keyed the entire driver's side of the car.

Later, I called a bunch of phone sex numbers from your cell phone. Telco
just now shut down the line, although I only used the phone for a little over a day now, so what's going on with that?

Earlier, I managed to get in two threatening phone calls to the DA's office and one to the FBI, while mentioning President Obama as my possible target.
The FBI guy seemed really intense and we had a nice long chat (I guess while he traced your number etc.).

In a way, perhaps I should apologize for not killing you ... but I
feel this type of retribution is a far more appropriate punishment for your threatened crime.
I wish you well as you try to sort through some of these
rather immediate pressing issues, and can only hope that you have the
opportunity to reflect upon, and perhaps reconsider the career path you've
chosen to pursue in life.

Remember, next time you might not be so lucky.

Have a good day!

Thoughtfully yours,
Alex

P.S. Remember this motto.
An armed society makes for a more civil society!

"The future ain't what it
used to be", Yogi Berra

FGII-XR6 · 17-08-2009, 09:12 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Jason[98.EL]

one for the ladies of the forum

INSTALLING A HUSBAND

the guys reply

URGENT PRODUCT UPGRADE WARNING

*LAST YEAR A COLLEAGUE UPGRADED HIS GIRLFRIEND 3.1 TO GIRLFRIEND PLUS 1.0 (MARKETING NAME FIANCEE 1.0)

*RECENTLY HE UPGRADED FIANCEE 1.0 TO WIFE 1.0

*WIFE 1.0 IS A MEMORY HOGGER AND HAS TAKEN UP ALL HIS SPACE

*WIFE 1.0 MUST BE RUNNING BEFORE HE CAN DO ANYTHING

*ALTHOUGH HE DIDN’T ASK FOR IT WIFE 1.0 CAME WITH PLUGINS SUCH AS

*MOTHER IN LAW 1.1

*BROTHER IN LAW 2.0

SOME FEATURES WE HOPE TO INCLUDE IN THE NEW GIRLFRIEND 4.0

1 A DON’T REMIND ME AGAIN BUTTON

2 MINIMISE BUTTON

3 SHUTDOWN BUTTON

4 UNINSTALL FEATURE TO ALLOW YOU TO COMPLETELY UNINSTALL GIRLFRIEND AND ALL RESIDUAL FILES

SOFTWARE CONFLICTS

1 WE TRIED RUNNING GIRLFRIEND 2.0 WITH GIRLFRIEND 1.0 INSTALLED THEY

TRIED TO USE THE SAME I/O PORT AND CONFLICTED

2 WE TRIED TO UNINSTALL GIRLFRIEND 1.0 BUT IT DIDN’T HAVE AN UNINSTALL PROGRAM

3 I TRIED TO UNINSTALL IT BY HAND BUT IT PUT FILES IN MY SYSTEM DIRECTORY

4 ALL VERSIONS OF GIRLFRIEND ONLY SUPPORT HARDWARE WITH GOLD PLATED CONTACTS

BUG WARNING

1 WIFE 1.0 HAS AN UNDOCUMENTED BUG .IF YOU TRY TO INSTALL MISTRESS 1.1 BEFORE UNINSTALLING WIFE 1.0 ,WIFE 1.0 WILL DELETE MS MONEY FILES BEFORE UNINSTALLING ITSELF

2 MISTRESS WILL REFUSE TO INSTALL CLAIMING INSUFFICIENT RESOURCES

**Burnout** · 17-08-2009, 10:34 PM

One evening John knocked on Frank's door. It was an apartment located on
the 31st floor of a high rise building. They planned to spend a night on
the town and had agreed to meet at Frank's place.
But Frank was not yet ready. When he answered the door he still had
shaving cream on his face. Frank invited John in and told him to make
himself at home while he waited.
John sat on a chair and picked up the daily newspaper, but he was soon
distracted by something that brushed against his leg. When he looked down
he saw a small and very cute dog. It was apparently friendly; it wagged
its tail and then ran across the room to pick up a rubber ball which it
deposited at John's feet. The dog obviously wanted to play.
So John rolled the ball across the floor and the dog retrieved it. John
rolled it in a different direction, and again the dog brought it back.
That went on for ten minutes, and John was tiring of the game.
This time he threw the ball hard. It sailed through a sliding glass door
that led to a balcony overlooking the street far below. The ball went
over the handrail and began to fall to the street. The little dog was
right behind it.
John felt bad about that. He stepped out onto the balcony and looked down.
Below him he could see that the dog had splattered itself on the concrete
and a small crowd was gathering.
He went back in and sat down, wondering what to tell his friend. Soon Frank
appeared. He was now ready to go. John looked at him and said, "Frank, I
have some bad news for you - but before I tell you what it is, let me say
that the first thing I noticed when I walked in was how very, very
anxious depressed your dog looked."

Fev · 18-08-2009, 01:03 PM

that definition really is sickening.. gross man

bathurst77 · 18-08-2009, 01:49 PM

not sure its really suitable for this forum. my wife n kids read it.

tankclare · 18-08-2009, 03:55 PM

I'm sorry to everyone for my post earlier. I didn't even think much about it but now I can understand why it was VERY inappropriate. Sorry to anyone it offended and sorry they were rude. It will NEVER happen again. I feel like a complete idiot right now.

azaxr8 · 18-08-2009, 04:33 PM

i found it funny.

Iggypoppin' · 18-08-2009, 04:33 PM

Don't stress man we all make mistakes. Got any good ones now though?

Fev · 18-08-2009, 04:38 PM

A family was driving behind a rubbish truck when a large dildo flies out and hits the windscreen. To hide her embarrassment the mother turns and says to her young kids "my what a big insect", to which her 7 year old says, "I'm surprised it could fly with a willy that size".

Fev · 18-08-2009, 04:39 PM

A bloke has a car crash into the back of a dwarfs car.
There seems to be lots of damage. The dwarf gets out and seeing the damage says, "I'm not happy".
The bloke says back to him, "well which one are ya then?"

___________--

My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed
to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane
prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that
"Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary
plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that
would be super." On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed
and rather Arabic looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. "Perhaps you didn't
hear me over those big brute engines but I asked you to raise your
trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground."
She calmly turned her head and said, "In my country, I am called a Princess
and I take orders from no one."
To which the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat, "Well, sweet-cheeks,
in my country I'm called a Queen, so I out rank you. Tray-up Bitsh ."

Fev · 18-08-2009, 04:53 PM

Here's a great one for the married blokes

BETTER THAN SAYING I LOVE YOU...

Marty wakes up at home with a huge hangover. He
forces himself to open his eyes, and the first thing
he sees is a couple of aspirins and a glass of water
on the side table. He sits down and sees his clothing
in front of him, all clean and pressed. Marty looks
around the room and sees that it is in a perfect
order, spotless, clean. So is the rest of the house.
He takes the aspirins and notices a note on the table
"Honey, breakfast is on the stove, I left early to go
shopping. Love you." So he goes to the kitchen and
sure enough there is a hot breakfast and the morning
newspaper. His son is also at the table, eating. Marty
asks, "Son, what happened last night?" His son says,
"Well, you came home after 3 A.M., drunk and
delirious. Broke some furniture , puked in the hallway,
and gave yourself a black eye when you stumbled into
the door." Confused, Marty asks, "So, why is
everything in order and so clean, and breakfast is on
the table waiting for me?" His son replies, "Oh that!
Mum dragged you to the bedroom, and when she tried to
take your pants off to change and clean you, you said,
"Lady, leave me alone, I'm married!"

FGII-XR6 · 21-08-2009, 01:15 PM

A Warning From Pakistan --It's Gonna Get UGLY!

This morning, from a cave somewhere in Pakistan, Taliban Minister of
Migration Mohammed Omar warned the United States that if Military actions
against Iraq and Afghanistan continue, Taliban authorities intend to cut
off
America's supply of Convenience Store Managers and possibly Motel 6
Managers. And, if this action does not yield sufficient results, Cab
Drivers will be next, followed by DELL and AOL Customer Service Reps.
Furthermore the latest advance in anaesthetics to come from Islamabad
Medical School will be withheld i.e. merely breathing on the patient.
Finally, if all else fails, they have threatened to send us no more
candidates for President of the United States!

It's gonna get ugly!

FGII-XR6 · 21-08-2009, 01:19 PM

DIVORCE VS. MURDER

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the
Pharmacist, looked straight into his eyes, and said, "I would like to buy
some Cyanide."

The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"

The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."

The pharmacist's eyes got big and he exclaimed, "Lord have mercy! I can't
give you cyanide to kill your husband. That's against the law! I'll lose
my license!
They'll throw both of us in jail!

All kinds of bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any
cyanide!"

The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in
bed with the pharmacist's wife.

The pharmacist looked at the picture and replied,

"Well now, that's different. You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

FGII-XR6 · 21-08-2009, 01:21 PM

The success of a meeting is defined by it's refreshments & sandwiches.

I went on holiday last week. It only rained twice - once for three days and
once for four.

Why do they lock petrol station toilets? Are they afraid someone will clean
them?

My gran is turning 90 next week and she still doesn't need glasses...she
just drinks straight from the bottle.

I've learnt so much from my mistakes, I'm thinking about making a few more.

FGII-XR6 · 21-08-2009, 01:28 PM

After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was
enough, as they couldn't afford a larger bed. So the husband went to his
doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more
children..
The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would
fix
the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go
home,
get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the
can
up to his ear and count to 10.

The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy
in
the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to
my
ear is going to help me with my problem."

"Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor.

So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the
can up to his ear and began to count:

"1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can
between
his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand.

This procedure also works in New Zealand

prydey · 21-08-2009, 01:29 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by au3xr6

I went on holiday last week. It only rained twice - once for three days and
once for four.

i admit, i am a bit sleep deprived, but that is gold.

FGII-XR6 · 21-08-2009, 01:42 PM

there are no words to describe this

FGII-XR6 · 21-08-2009, 01:47 PM

his and hers garages

Fev · 21-08-2009, 03:26 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by au3xr6

there are no words to describe this

i guess it drives like a boat lol

AndrewR_AUII · 21-08-2009, 04:33 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by au3xr6

there are no words to describe this

Guess it explains this:

**DJR-351** · 23-08-2009, 12:10 PM

HEART SURGEON'S FUNERAL

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his
coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red
roses. When the pastor finished the sermon and everyone said their
good-byes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the
heart closed again.

It was a Majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why
are you laughing, Mister?"

"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied. "I'm a
Gynaecologist ........"

**Burnout** · 23-08-2009, 07:23 PM

A man and his wife were having an argument about who should brew the coffee
each morning.

The wife said, "You should do it, because you get up first, and then we
don't have to wait as long to get our coffee."

The husband said, "You are in charge of the cooking around here and you
should do it, because that is your job, and I can just wait for my coffee."

Wife replies, "No you should do it, and besides it is in the Bible that the
man should do the coffee."

Husband replies, "I can't believe that, show me."

So she fetched the Bible, and opened the New Testament and shows him at the
top of several pages, that it indeed says .

"HEBREWS"

homegrown · 23-08-2009, 09:05 PM

Have you heard about the new Emo lawn?
It cuts itself.

How do you get an Emo out of a tree?
cut the noose.