What jokes do you know?

[FGII-XR6]

Why Italian Fathers and Grandfathers pass their

handguns down through the family

An old Italian Mafia Don is dying. He calls his grandson to his bedside.

"Guido, I wanna you lissina me. I wanna you to take-a my chrome plated .38
revolver so you will always remember me."

"But grandpa, I really don't like guns. How about you leave me your Rolex
watch instead ?"

"You lissina me, boy. Somma day you gonna be runna da business, you gonna
have a beautiful wife, lotsa money, a big-a home and maybe a couple of bambinos."

"Somma day you gonna come-a home and maybe finda you wife inna bed with
another man. Whatta you gonna do then? Pointa to you watch and say, time's Up' ?"

[FGII-XR6]

FIVE RULES FOR MEN TO FOLLOW TO A HAPPY LIFE:

1. It's important to have a woman, who helps at home, Who cooks from time
to time, cleans up and has a job.

2. It's important to have a woman, who can make you Laugh.

3. It's important to have a woman, who you can trust And who doesn't lie to
you.

4. It's important to have a woman, who is good in bed And who likes to be
with you.

5. It's very, very important that these four women Do not know each other.

[FGII-XR6]

BUTTERCUPS AND GOLF BALLS

Towards the end of the golf course, Dave hit his ball into the woods and
found it in a patch of pretty yellow buttercups. Trying to get his ball
back in play, he ended up thrashing just about every buttercup in the
patch. All of a sudden, POOF! In a flash and puff of smoke, a little old
woman appeared.

She said, 'I'm Mother Nature! Do you know how long it took me to make those
buttercups? Just for doing what you have done, you won't have any butter
for your popcorn for the rest of your life: better still, you won't have
any butter for your toast for the rest of your life. As a matter of fact,
you'll never have any butter for anything the rest of your life!'

Then POOF! She was gone!

After Dave recovered from the shock, he hollered for his friend, 'Fred,
where are you?'

Fred yells back ,'I'm over here in the pussy willows.

Dave shouts back, 'DON'T SWING, Fred FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, DON'T SWING!'

[RSgerry]

This guy with leprosy is sitting eatting in McDonalds and catches eye contact with a girl sitting opposite him. She immediately pukes all over the table. Feeling bad, he says "Sorry if I repulse you". She replies with, "It's not you, it is the guy behind you dipping his chicken nuggets in your neck".

[Stealth00]

12 Facts About You.

1. Your reading my post
2. Now your saying/thinking whats that stupid fact.
4. You didnt notice that i skipped 3.
5. Your checking it now.
6. Your smiling.
7. Your still reading my comment.
8. You know all you have read is true.
10. You didnt notice that i skipped 9.
11. Your checking it now.
12. You didnt notice there are only 10 facts.

[Burnout]

One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.

The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.

When she asked him why, he replied, "Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"

And that's how the fight started.....

[ebxr8240]

To my darling husband,

Before you return from your trip I just want to let you know about the small accident I had with the ute when I turned into the driveway.



Fortunately it was not too bad and I didn't get hurt, so please don't worry.



I was coming home from doing some shopping and when I turned into the driveway I accidentally pushed down on the accelerator instead of the brake.

The garage door is a little damaged but the ute fortunately came to a halt when it bumped into your car.

I am really sorry, but I know with your kind-hearted personality you will forgive me.



I am enclosing a picture for you.


I cannot wait to hold you in my arms again.

Your loving wife. XX


Btw your girlfriend called..

[Burnout]

Look I know you haven't been to Mexico, but I think you should get tested for Swine Flu straight away.

You know you've been seen with some real 'Bush Pigs' lately.

[pauljh74]

SKY have scrapped plans for a proposed new spin off show Kentucky CSI.
Apparently due to the fact that nobody there has dental records and that they all share the same DNA.
*********************************

Just been watching the news. It was half an hour of really crappy stories, as usual……….
Swine Flu, recession, war, Aids, famine, rape, murder, terrorist attacks, corruption and rising unemployment,

I thought, ' Oh well, it can’t get any worse'

And then the news reader announced, ' And finally, boy band Blue are to reform.'

Time to find some rope..............

**********************************

Susan Boyle sings like an angel, she must have fallen from heaven the night before...

and landed flat on her face
**********************************

"Can you explain to me how you got lipstick on your collar?" my wife asked me this morning.
"No, I really can't," I answered. "I distinctly remember taking that shirt off beforehand."

[Pedro]

IRISH SAUSAGES

Seamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro.

Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.'

He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage.

Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money left at all!'

Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.'

He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky.

Seamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't got any money!!'

Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan. Cheers!'

They downed their drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.'

The barman noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out.

They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free.

At the tenth pub Seamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm drunk and me knees are killing me!'

Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.'

[NC1183]

Originally Posted by Pedro

IRISH SAUSAGES

*snip*

Did you actually bother to read the last page of this thread, that joke was at the top of the page

[azaxr8]

who cares.

[Pedro]

Originally Posted by NC1183

Did you actually bother to read the last page of this thread, that joke was at the top of the page

Sorry .... no I didn't. But the reason I didn't is there's 43 pages of jokes and I'm not going to go back and check through them to see if its been posted before. What happened just was just a coincidence.

[vztrt]

[buts46]

Apologies if this has been done before... just got it from a Kiwi mate.

A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first drop and a 20 lb snapper on the second.

On the third drop he had just scored his first ever King Terakihi when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving, what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.

He ended up catching several personal bests, limited out on three species and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because
it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

The doctor snickered and said, "Just f$#@ing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

[xr8chick]

People have said that we would have a black president when pigs fly, 100 days into his presidency, swine flu.

[[ONEMPT]]

How do you know your at a gay party?

There sausages taste like crap

[pauljh74]

I went to church earlier to confess I slept with 4 different women in the past week.
The priest said to me, "Suck the juice of 4 lemons."
I asked "Will that absolve me?"
"No," he replied, "it'll take that smug look off your face."
****************************

So, a man who delivered his wife's baby after watching videos on the Internet.

Strange really - most of us spend more time watching how they're conceived.
****************************

A mate of mine has just spent six-weeks in the premature ejaculation intensive care unit.

He's a lucky bloke, at one stage it was touch and go.
****************************

[Burnout]

2009 offer for adventurous travellers.


I found a Somali cruise package that departs from Sawakin (in the Sudan )
and docks at Bagamoya (in Tanzania ).

The cost is a bit high @ $800 per person double occupancy but I didn't find
that offensive. What I found encouraging and enlightened is that the cruise
is encouraging people to bring their 'High powered weapons' along on the
cruise.

If you don't have weapons you can rent them right there on the boat. They
claim to have a master blacksmith on board and will have reloading parties
every afternoon.

The cruise lasts from 4-8 days and nights and costs a maximum of $3200 per
person double occupancy (4 days). All the boat does is sail up and down
the coast of Somalia waiting to get hijacked by pirates.

Here are some of the costs and claims associated with the package:


$800.00 US/per day double occupancy (4 day max billing)

M-16 full auto rental $25.00/day - ammo at 100 rounds of 5.56 armour
piercing ammo at $15.95

AK-47 rifle @ No charge - ammo at 100 rounds of 7.62 com block ball ammo at
$14.95


Barrett M-107 .50 cal sniper rifle rental $55.00/day - ammo at 25 rounds 50
cal armour piercing at $9.95

Crew members can double as spotters for 30.00 per hour (spotting scope
included).

Far Out ---- they even offer RPG's at 75 bucks and 200 dollars for 3
standard loads

"Everyone gets use of free complimentary night vision equipment and coffee
and snacks on the top deck from 7pm-6am ."

Meals are not included but seem reasonable.

Most cruises offer a mini-bar.

These gung ho entrepreneurs offer......... get this .....

"MOUNTED MINIGUN AVAILABLE @ $450.00 per 30 seconds of sustained fire"

Sign my ar*e up!

They advertise group rates and corporate discounts...... and even claim
"FUN FOR THE WHOLE FAMILY"

They even offer a partial money back guarantee if not satisfied.Â

Here's some text from the ad:

"We guarantee that you will experience at least two hijacking attempts by
pirates or we will refund half your money back including gun rental
charges and any unused ammo (mini gun charges not included)..

How can we guarantee you will experience a hijacking?

We operate at 5 knots within 12 miles of the coast of Somalia. If an
attempted hijacking does not occur we will turn the boat around and cruise
by at 4 knots.

We will repeat this for up to 8 days making three passes a day along the
entire length of Somalia.

At night the boat is fully lit and bottle rockets are shot off at intervals
and loud disco music beamed shore side to attract attention. Cabin space is
limited so respond quickly.

Reserve your package before May 29 and get 100 rounds of free tracer ammo
in the calibre of your choice."

As if all that isn't enough to whet your appetite, there were a few
testimonials:

"I got three confirmed kills on my last trip. I'LL never hunt big game in
Africa again. I felt like the Komandant in Schindlers list!"----
Lars , Hamburg Germany

"Six attacks in 4 days was more than I expected. I bagged three pirates and
my 12yr old son sank two rowboats with the minigun. PIRATES 0
-PASSENGERS-32! Well worth the trip. Just make sure your spotter speaks
English"

Ned, Salt Lake city , Utah USA

I haven't had this much fun since flying choppers in NAM . Don't worry
about getting shot by pirates as they never even got close to the ship
with those weapons they use and their *hitty aim--reminds me of a drunken
'juicer' door gunner we picked up from the motor pool back in Nam"

"chopper' Dan ---- Toledo USA .

"Like ducks in a barrel. They turned the ship around and we saw them bleed
and cry in the water like little girls. Saw one wounded pirate eaten by
sharks--what a laugh riot!! This is a must do.---

Zeke-Minnahaw Springs Kentucky USA


Finally, someone had the common sense to cash in AND solve a major problem.

[pauljh74]

What is Obi Wan Kenobi going to say on Monday?

Let the fourth be with you.
***************************

Recently it was reported in the news that Britney Spears has taken up gardening as a means to relieve stress....

Confucius say, you can lead a horticulture, but you can't make her think.
***************************

The term Broadband is derived from the two primary uses of high speed internet access: downloading porn (broads) and MP3s (bands).

[Burnout]

So, there's a man crawling through the desert.

He had decided to try his SUV in a little bit of cross-country travel, had
great fun zooming over the badlands and through the sand, got lost, hit a
big rock, and then he couldn't get it started again. There were no cell
phone towers anywhere near, so his cell phone was useless. He had no
family,
his parents had died a few years before in an auto accident, and his few
friends had no idea he was out here.

He stayed with the car for a day or so, but his one bottle of water ran out
and he was getting thirsty. He thought maybe he knew the direction back,
now that he'd paid attention to the sun and thought he'd figured out which
way was north, so he decided to start walking. He figured he only had to go
about 30 miles or so and he'd be back to the small town he'd gotten gas in
last.

He thinks about walking at night to avoid the heat and sun, but based upon
how dark it actually was the night before, and given that he has no
flashlight, he's afraid that he'll break a leg or step on a rattlesnake.
So he puts on some sun block and puts the rest in his pocket for
reapplication later, brings an umbrella he'd had in the back of the SUV
with him to give him a little shade, pours the windshield wiper fluid into
his water bottle in case he gets that desperate, brings his pocket knife in
case he finds a cactus that looks like it might have water in it, and heads
out in the direction he thinks is right.

He walks for the entire day. By the end of the day he's really thirsty.
He's been sweating all day, and his lips are starting to crack. He's
reapplied the sunblock twice, and tried to stay under the umbrella, but he
still feels sunburned. The windshield wiper fluid sloshing in the bottle in
his pocket is really getting tempting now. He knows that it's mainly water
and some ethanol and colouring, but he also knows that they add some kind
of poison to it to keep people from drinking it. He wonders what the
poison is, and whether the poison would be worse than dying of thirst.

He pushes on, trying to get to that small town before dark.

By the end of the day he starts getting worried. He figures he's been
walking at least 3 miles an hour, according to his watch for over 10
hours.
That means that if his estimate was right that he should be close to the
town. But he doesn't recognize any of this. He had to cross a dry creek
bed a mile or two back, and he doesn't remember coming through it in the
SUV. He figures that maybe he got his direction off just a little and that
the dry creek bed was just off to one side of his path. He tells himself
that he's close, and that after dark he'll start seeing the town lights
over one of these hills, and that'll be all he needs. As it gets darker he
starts stumbling over small rocks and things so he finds a spot and sits
down to wait for full dark and the town lights.

Full dark comes before he knows it. He must have dozed off. He stands back
up and turns all the way around. He sees nothing but stars.

He wakes up the next morning feeling absolutely lousy. His eyes are gummy
and his mouth and nose feel like they're full of sand. He is so thirsty
that he can't even swallow. He barely got any sleep because it was so
cold. He'd forgotten how cold it got at night in the desert and hadn't
noticed it the night before because he'd been in his car.

He knows the Rule of Threes: three minutes without air, three days without
water, or three weeks without food, then you die. Some people can make it
a little longer, in the best situations. But the desert heat and having to
walk and sweat isn't the best situation to be without water. He figures,
unless he finds water, this is his last day.

He rinses his mouth out with a little of the windshield wiper fluid. He
waits a while after spitting that little bit out, to see if his mouth goes
numb, or he feels dizzy or something. Has his mouth gone numb? Is it just
in his mind? He's not sure. He'll go a little farther, and if he still
doesn't find water, he'll try drinking some of the fluid.

Then he has to face his next, harder question - which way does he go from
here? Does he keep walking the same way he was yesterday (assuming that he
still knows which way that is), or does he try a new direction? He has no
idea what to do.

Looking at the hills and dunes around him, he thinks he knows the direction
he was heading before. Just going by a feeling, he points himself somewhat
to the left of that, and starts walking.

As he walks, the day starts heating up. The desert, too cold just a couple
of hours before, soon becomes an oven again. He sweats a little at first,
and then stops. He starts getting worried at that - when you stop sweating
he knows that means you're in trouble - usually right before heat stroke.

He decides that it's time to try the windshield wiper fluid. He can't wait
any longer - if he passes out, he's dead. He stops in the shade of a large
rock, takes the bottle out, opens it, and takes a mouthful. He slowly
swallows it, making it last as long as he can. It feels so good in his dry
and cracked throat that he doesn't even care about the nasty taste. He
takes another mouthful, and makes it last too. Slowly, he drinks half the
bottle.
He figures that since he's drinking it, he might as well drink enough to
make some difference and keep himself from passing out.

He's quit worrying about the denaturing of the wiper fluid. If it kills
him,
it kills him - if he didn't drink it, he'd die anyway. Besides, he's pretty
sure that whatever substance they denature the fluid with is just designed
to make you sick - their way of keeping winos from buying cheap wiper
fluid for the ethanol content. He can handle throwing up, if it comes to
that.

He walks. He walks in the hot, dry, windless desert. Sand, rocks, hills,
dunes, the occasional scrawny cactus or dried bush. No sign of water.
Sometimes he'll see a little movement to one side or the other, but
whatever moved is usually gone before he can focus his eyes on it;
probably birds,
lizards, or mice. Maybe snakes, although they probably move more at night.
He's careful to stay away from the movements.

After a while, he begins to stagger. He's not sure if it's fatigue, heat
stroke finally catching him, or maybe he was wrong and the denaturing of
the wiper fluid was worse than he thought. He tries to steady himself, and
keep going.

After more walking, he comes to a large stretch of sand. This is good! He
knows he passed over a stretch of sand in the SUV - he remembers doing
donuts in it. Or at least he thinks he remembers it - he's getting woozy
enough and tired enough that he's not sure what he remembers any more or
if he's hallucinating. But he thinks he remembers it. So he heads off into
it,
trying to get to the other side, hoping that it gets him closer to the
town.
He was heading for a town, wasn't he? He thinks he was. He isn't sure any
more. He's not even sure how long he's been walking any more. Is it still
morning? Or has it moved into afternoon and the sun is going down again?
It must be afternoon - it seems like it's been too long since he started
out.

He walks through the sand.

After a while, he comes to a big dune in the sand. This is bad. He doesn't
remember any dunes when driving over the sand in his SUV. Or at least he
doesn't think he remembers any. This is very bad.

But, he has no other direction to go. Too late to turn back now. He figures
that he'll get to the top of the dune and see if he can see anything from
there that helps him find the town. He keeps going up the dune.

Halfway up, he slips in the bad footing of the sand for the second or third
time, and falls to his knees. He doesn't feel like getting back up - he'll
just fall down again. So, he keeps going up the dune on his hand and
knees.

While crawling, if his throat weren't so dry, he'd laugh. He's finally
gotten to the hackneyed image of a man lost in the desert - crawling
through the sand on his hands and knees. If would be the perfect image, he
imagines,
if only his clothes were more ragged. The people crawling through the
desert in the cartoons always had ragged clothes. But his have lasted
without any rips so far. Somebody will probably find his desiccated corpse
half buried in the sand years from now, and his clothes will still be in
fine shape -
shake the sand out, and a good wash, and they'd be wearable again. He
wishes his throat were wet enough to laugh. He coughs a little instead,
and it hurts.

He finally makes it to the top of the sand dune. Now that he's at the top,
he struggles a little, but manages to stand up and look around. All he sees
is sand. Sand and more sand. Behind him, about a mile away, he thinks he
sees the rocky ground he left to head into this sand. Ahead of him, more
dunes, more sand. This isn't where he drove his SUV. This is Hell. Or
close enough.

Again, he doesn't know what to do. He decides to drink the rest of the
wiper fluid while figuring it out. He takes out the bottle, and is
removing the cap, when he glances to the side and sees something.
Something in the sand.
At the bottom of the dune, off to the side, he sees something strange. It's
a flat area, in the sand. He stops taking the cap of the bottle off, and
tries to look closer. The area seems to be circular. And it's dark -
darker than the sand. And, there seems to be something in the middle of
it, but he can't tell what it is. He looks as hard as he can, and still
can tell from here. He's going to have to go down there and look.

He puts the bottle back in his pocket, and starts to stumble down the dune.
After a few steps, he realizes that he's in trouble - he's not going to be
able to keep his balance. After a couple of more sliding, tottering steps,
he falls and starts to roll down the dune. The sand it so hot when his body
hits it that for a minute he thinks he's caught fire on the way down - like
a movie car wreck flashing into flames as it goes over the cliff, before it
ever even hits the ground. He closes his eyes and mouth, covers his face
with his hands, and waits to stop rolling.

He stops, at the bottom of the dune. After a minute or two, he finds enough
energy to try to sit up and get the sand out of his face and clothes. When
he clears his eyes enough, he looks around to make sure that the dark spot
in the sand it still there and he hadn't just imagined it.

So, seeing the large, flat, dark spot on the sand is still there, he begins
to crawl towards it. He'd get up and walk towards it, but he doesn't seem
to have the energy to get up and walk right now. He must be in the final
stages of dehydration he figures, as he crawls. If this place in the sand
doesn't have water, he'll likely never make it anywhere else. This is his
last chance.

He gets closer and closer, but still can't see what's in the middle of the
dark area. His eyes won't quite focus any more for some reason. And
lifting his head up to look takes so much effort that he gives up trying.
He just keeps crawling.

Finally, he reaches the area he'd seen from the dune. It takes him a minute
of crawling on it before he realizes that he's no longer on sand - he's now
crawling on some kind of dark stone. Stone with some kind of marking on it
-
a pattern cut into the stone. He's too tired to stand up and try to see
what the pattern is - so he just keeps crawling. He crawls towards the
centre where his blurry eyes still see something in the middle of the dark
stone area.

His mind, detached in a strange way, notes that either his hands and knees
are so burnt by the sand that they no longer feel pain, or that this dark
stone, in the middle of a burning desert with a pounding, punishing sun
overhead, doesn't seem to be hot. It almost feels cool. He considers lying
down on the nice cool surface.

Cool, dark stone. Not a good sign. He must be hallucinating this. He's
probably in the middle of a patch of sand, already lying face down and
dying, and just imagining this whole thing. A desert mirage. Soon the
beautiful women carrying pitchers of water will come up and start giving
him a drink. Then he'll know he's gone.

He decides against laying down on the cool stone. If he's going to die here
in the middle of this hallucination, he at least wants to see what's in the
centre before he goes. He keeps crawling.

It's the third time that he hears the voice before he realizes what he's
hearing. He would swear that someone just said, Greetings, traveller. You
do not look well. Do you hear me?

He stops crawling. He tries to look up from where he is on his hands and
knees, but it's too much effort to lift his head. So he tries something
different - he leans back and tries to sit up on the stone. After a few
seconds, he catches his balance, avoids falling on his face, sits up, and
tries to focus his eyes. Blurry. He rubs his eyes with the back of his
hands and tries again. Better this time.

Yep. He can see. He's sitting in the middle of a large, flat, dark expanse
of stone. Directly next to him, about three feet away, is a white post or
pole about two inches in diameter and sticking up about four or five feet
out of the stone, at an angle.

And wrapped around this white rod, tail with rattle on it hovering and
seeming to be ready to start rattling, is what must be a fifteen foot long
desert diamondback rattlesnake, looking directly at him.

He stares at the snake in shock. He doesn't have the energy to get up and
run away. He doesn't even have the energy to crawl away. This is it, his
final resting place. No matter what happens, he's not going to be able to
move from this spot.

Well, at least dying of a bite from this monster should be quicker than
dying of thirst. He'll face his end like a man. He struggles to sit up a
little straighter. The snake keeps watching him. He lifts one hand and
waves it in the snake's direction, feebly. The snake watches the hand for
a moment, and then goes back to watching the man, looking into his eyes.

Hmmm. Maybe the snake had no interest in biting him? It hadn't rattled yet
-
that was a good sign. Maybe he wasn't going to die of snake bite after all.

He then remembers that he'd looked up when he'd reached the centre here
because he thought he'd heard a voice. He was still very woozy - he was
likely to pass out soon, the sun still beat down on him even though he was
now on cool stone. He still didn't have anything to drink. But maybe he had
actually heard a voice. This stone didn't look natural. Nor did that white
post sticking up out of the stone. Someone had to have built this. Maybe
they were still nearby. Maybe that was who talked to him. Maybe this snake
was even their pet, and that's why it wasn't biting.

He tries to clear his throat to say, Hello", but his throat is too dry. All
that comes out is a coughing or wheezing sound. There is no way he's going
to be able to talk without something to drink. He feels his pocket, and
the bottle with the wiper fluid is still there. He shakily pulls the
bottle out,
almost losing his balance and falling on his back in the process. This
isn't good. He doesn't have much time left, by his reckoning, before he
passes out.

He gets the lid off of the bottle, manages to get the bottle to his lips,
and pours some of the fluid into his mouth. He sloshes it around, and then
swallows it. He coughs a little. His throat feels better. Maybe he can
talk now.

He tries again. Ignoring the snake, he turns to look around him, hoping to
spot the owner of this place, and croaks out, Hello? Is there anyone here?

He hears, from his side, Greetings. What is it that you want?

He turns his head, back towards the snake. That's where the sound had
seemed to come from. The only thing he can think of is that there must be
a speaker, hidden under the snake, or maybe built into that post. He
decides to try asking for help.

Please, he croaks again, suddenly feeling dizzy, I'd love to not be thirsty
any more. I've been a long time without water. Can you help me?

Looking in the direction of the snake, hoping to see where the voice was
coming from this time, he is shocked to see the snake rear back, open its
mouth, and speak. He hears it say, as the dizziness overtakes him and he
falls forward, face first on the stone, Very well, coming up". A piercing
pain shoots through his shoulder. Suddenly he is awake. He sits up and
grabs his shoulder, wincing at the throbbing pain. He's momentarily
disoriented as he looks around, and then he remembers - the crawl across
the sand, the dark area of stone, the snake. He sees the snake, still
wrapped around the tilted white post, still looking at him.

He reaches up and feels his shoulder, where it hurts. It feels slightly
wet.
He pulls his fingers away and looks at them - blood. He feels his shoulder
again - his shirt has what feels like two holes in it - two puncture holes
-
they match up with the two aching spots of pain on his shoulder. He had
been bitten. By the snake.

It'll feel better in a minute." He looks up - it's the snake talking. He
hadn't dreamed it. Suddenly he notices - he's not dizzy any more. And more
importantly, he's not thirsty any more - at all!

Have I died? Is this the afterlife? Why are you biting me in the afterlife?

"Sorry about that, but I had to bite you, says the snake. That's the way I
work. It all comes through the bite. Think of it as natural medicine.

"You bit me to help me? Why aren't I thirsty any more? Did you give me a
drink before you bit me? How did I drink enough while unconscious to not
be thirsty any more? I haven't had a drink for over two days. Well, except
for the windshield wiper fluid... hold it, how in the world does a snake
talk?
Are you real? Are you some sort of Disney animation?

"No, says the snake", I'm real. As real as you or anyone is, anyway. I
didn't give you a drink. I bit you. That's how it works - it's what I do.
I bite. I don't have hands to give you a drink, even if I had water just
sitting around here.

The man sat stunned for a minute. Here he was, sitting in the middle of the
desert on some strange stone that should be hot but wasn't, talking to a
snake that could talk back and had just bitten him. And he felt better.
Not great - he was still starving and exhausted, but much better - he was
no longer thirsty. He had started to sweat again, but only slightly. He
felt hot, in this sun, but it was starting to get lower in the sky, and
the cool stone beneath him was a relief he could notice now that he was no
longer dying of thirst.

I might suggest that we take care of that methanol you now have in your
system with the next request", continued the snake. I can guess why you
drank it, but I'm not sure how much you drank, or how much methanol was
left in the wiper fluid. That stuff is nasty. It'll make you go blind in a
day or two, if you drank enough of it.

" Mmm, n-next request? said the man. He put his hand back on his hurting
shoulder and backed away from the snake a little.

That's the way it works. If you like, that is", explained the snake. You
get three requests. Call them wishes, if you wish." The snake grinned at
his own joke, and the man drew back a little further from the show of
fangs.

But there are rules", the snake continued. The first request is free. The
second requires an agreement of secrecy. The third requires the binding of
responsibility." The snake looks at the man seriously.

By the way, the snake says suddenly, my name is Nathan. Old Nathan, Samuel
used to call me. He gave me the name. Before that, most of the Bound used
to just call me 'Snake'. But that got old, and Samuel wouldn't stand for
it. He said that anything that could talk needed a name. He was big into
names. You can call me Nate, if you wish." Again, the snake grinned. Sorry
if I don't offer to shake, but I think you can understand - my shake sounds
somewhat threatening." The snake gave his rattle a little shake.

Umm, my name is Jack, said the man, trying to absorb all of this. Jack
Samson.

Can I ask you a question?" Jack says suddenly. What happened to the
poison... umm, in your bite? Why aren't I dying now? How did you do that?
What do you mean by that's how you work?

"That's more than one question, grins Nate. But I'll still try to answer
all of them. First, yes, you can ask me a question." The snake's grin gets
wider. Second, the poison is in you. It changed you. You now no longer need
to drink. That's what you asked for. Or, well, technically, you asked to
not be thirsty any more - but 'any more' is such a vague term. I decided
to make it permanent - now, as long as you live, you shouldn't need to
drink much at all. Your body will conserve water very efficiently. You
should be able to get enough just from the food you eat - much like a
creature of the desert.
You've been changed.

For the third question, Nate continues", you are still dying. Besides the
effects of that methanol in your system, you're a man - and men are
mortal.
In your current state, I give you no more than about another 50 years.
Assuming you get out of this desert, alive, that is." Nate seemed vastly
amused at his own humour, and continued his wide grin.

As for the fourth question, Nate said, looking more serious as far as Jack
could tell, as Jack was just now working on his ability to read
talking-snake emotions from snake facial features, first you have to agree
to make a second request and become bound by the secrecy, or I can't tell
you.

" Wait, joked Jack isn't this where you say you could tell me, but you'd
have to kill me?

" I thought that was implied." Nate continued to look serious.

Mmm... yeah. Jack leaned back a little as he remembered again that he was
talking to a fifteen foot poisonous reptile with a reputation for having a
nasty temper. So, what is this 'Bound by Secrecy' stuff, and can you really
stop the effects of the methanol? Jack thought for a second. And, what do
you mean methanol, anyway? I thought these days they use ethanol in wiper
fluid, and just denature it?

They may, I don't really know, said Nate. I haven't gotten out in a while.
Maybe they do. All I know is that I smell methanol on your breath and on
that bottle in your pocket. And the blue colour of the liquid when you
pulled it out to drink some let me guess that it was wiper fluid. I assume
that they still colour wiper fluid blue?

Yeah, they do, said Jack.

I figured, replied Nate. As for being bound by secrecy - with the
fulfilment of your next request, you will be bound to say nothing about
me, this place,
or any of the information I will tell you after that, when you decide to go
back out to your kind. You won't be allowed to talk about me, write about
me, use sign language, charades, or even act in a way that will lead
someone to guess correctly about me. You'll be bound to secrecy. Of
course, I'll also ask you to promise not to give me away, and as I'm
guessing that you're a man of your word, you'll never test the binding
anyway, so you won't notice. Nate said the last part with utter
confidence. Jack, who had always prided himself on being a man of his
word, felt a little nervous at this.
Ummm, hey, Nate, who are you? How did you know that? Are you, umm,
omniscient, or something?

"Well, Jack, said Nate sadly, I can't tell you that, unless you make the
second request. Nate looked away for a minute, and then looked back.

Umm, well, ok, said Jack", what is this about a second request? What can I
ask for? Are you allowed to tell me that?

Sure! said Nate, brightening. You're allowed to ask for changes. Changes to
yourself. They're like wishes, but they can only affect you. Oh, and before
you ask, I can't give you immortality. Or omniscience. Or omnipresence for
that matter. Though I might be able to make you gaseous and yet remain
alive, and then you could spread through the atmosphere and sort of be
omnipresent. But what good would that be - you still wouldn't be
omniscient and thus still could only focus on one thing at a time. Not
very useful, at least in my opinion. Nate stopped when he realized that
Jack was staring at him.

Well, anyway, continued Nate, I'd probably suggest giving you permanent
good health. It would negate the methanol now in your system, you'd be
immune to most poisons and diseases, and you'd tend to live a very long
time, barring accident, of course. And you'll even have a tendency to
recover from accidents well. It always seemed like a good choice for a
request to me.

Cure the methanol poisoning, huh? said Jack. And keep me healthy for a long
time? Hmmm. It doesn't sound bad at that. And it has to be a request about
a change to me? I can't ask to be rich, right? Because that's not really a
change to me?

Right", nodded Nate.

Could I ask to be a genius and permanently healthy? Jack asked, hopefully.

That takes two requests, Jack.

Yeah, I figured so, said Jack. But I could ask to be a genius? I could
become the smartest scientist in the world? Or the best athlete?

Well, I could make you very smart; admitted Nate", but that wouldn't
necessarily make you the best scientist in the world. Or, I could make you
very athletic, but it wouldn't necessarily make you the best athlete
either.
You've heard the saying that 99% of genius is hard work? Well, there's some
truth to that. I can give you the talent, but I can't make you work hard.
It all depends on what you decide to do with it.

Hmmm, said Jack. Ok, I think I understand. And I get a third request, after
this one?

Maybe, said Nate, it depends on what you decide then. There are more rules
for the third request that I can only tell you about after the second
request. You know how it goes. Nate looked like he'd shrug, if he had
shoulders.

Ok, well, since I'd rather not be blind in a day or two, and permanent
health doesn't sound bad, consider that my second request. Officially. Do
I need to sign in blood or something?

No", said Nate. Just hold out your hand. Or heel. Nate grinned. Or whatever
part you want me to bite. I have to bite you again. Like I said, that's how
it works - the poison, you know, Nate said apologetically.

Jack winced a little and felt his shoulder, where the last bite was. Hey,
it didn't hurt any more. Just like Nate had said. That made Jack feel
better about the biting business. But still, standing still while a
fifteen foot snake sunk it's fangs into you. Jack stood up. Ignoring how
good it felt to be able to stand again, and the hunger starting to gnaw at
his stomach, Jack tried to decide where he wanted to get bitten. Despite
knowing that it wouldn't hurt for long, Jack knew that this wasn't going
to be easy.

Hey, Jack, Nate suddenly said, looking past Jack towards the dunes behind
him", is that someone else coming up over there?

Jack spun around and looked. Who else could be out here in the middle of
nowhere? And did they bring food?

Wait a minute, there was nobody over there. What was Nate...?

Jack let out a bellow as he felt two fangs sink into his rear end, through
his jeans...

Jack sat down carefully, favouring his tenderer buttock. I would ha e
decided, eventually, Nate. I was just thinking about it. You didn't have
to hoodwink me like that.

I've been doing this a long time, Jack, said Nate, confidently. You humans
have a hard time sitting still and letting a snake bite you -especially
one my size. And besides, admit it - it's only been a couple of minutes
and it already doesn't hurt any more, does it? That's because of the
health benefit with this one. I told you that you'd heal quickly now.

Yeah, well, still, said Jack", it's the principle of the thing. And nobody
likes being bitten in the butt! Couldn't you have gotten my calf or
something instead?

More meat in the typical human butt, replied Nate. And less chance you
accidentally kick me or move at the last second.

Yeah, right. So, tell me all of these wonderful secrets that I now qualify
to hear", answered Jack. Ok, said Nate. Do you want to ask questions
first,
or do you want me to just start talking?

Just talk, said Jack. I'll sit here and try to not think about food.

We could go try to rustle up some food for you first, if you like",
answered
Nate.

Hey! You didn't tell me you had food around here, Nate! Jack jumped up.
What do we have? Am I in walking distance to town? Or can you magically
whip up food along with your other powers? Jack was almost shouting with
excitement.
His stomach had been growling for hours.

I was thinking more like I could flush something out of its hole and bite
it for you, and you could skin it and eat it. Assuming you have a knife,
that is, replied Nate, with the grin that Jack was starting to get used
to.

Ugh, said Jack, sitting back down. I think I'll pass. I can last a little
longer before I get desperate enough to eat desert rat, or whatever else
it is you find out here. And there's nothing to burn - I'd have to eat it
raw.
No thanks. Just talk.

Ok, replied Nate, still grinning. But I'd better hurry, before you start
looking at me as food.

Nate reared back a little, looked around for a second, and then continued.
You, Jack, are sitting in the middle of the Garden of Eden.

Jack looked around at the sand and dunes and then looked back at Nate
sceptically.

Well, that's the best I can figure it, anyway, Jack, said Nate. Stand up
and look at the symbol on the rock here. Nate gestured around the dark
stone they were both sitting on with his nose.

Jack stood up and looked. Carved into the stone in a bas-relief was a
representation of a large tree. The angled-pole that Nate was wrapped
around was coming out of the trunk of the tree, right below where the main
branches left the truck to reach out across the stone. It was very well
done - it looked more like a tree had been reduced to almost two
dimensions and embedded in the stone than it did like a carving.

Jack walked around and looked at the details in the fading light of the
setting sun. He wished he'd looked at it while the sun was higher in the
sky.

Wait! The sun was setting! That meant he was going to have to spend another
night out here! Arrrgh!

Jack looked out across the desert for a little bit, and then came back and
stood next to Nate. In all the excitement, I almost forgot, Nate, said
Jack.
Which way is it back to town? And how far? I'm eventually going to have to
head back - I'm not sure I'll be able to survive by eating raw desert
critters for long. And even if I can, I'm not sure I'll want to.

It's about 30 miles that way. Nate pointed, with the rattle on his tail
this time. As far as Jack could tell, it was a direction at right angles
to the way he'd been going when he was crawling here. But that's 30 miles
by the way the crow flies. It's about 40 by the way a man walks. You
should be able to do it in about half a day with your improved endurance,
if you head out early tomorrow, Jack.

Jack looked out the way the snake had pointed for a few seconds more, and
then sat back down. It was getting dark. Not much he could do about
heading out right now. And besides, Nate was just about to get to the
interesting stuff. Garden of Eden? As best as you can figure it?

Well, yeah, as best as I and Samuel could figure it anyway", said Nate. He
figured that the story just got a little mixed up. You know, snake, in a
'tree', offering 'temptations', making bargains. That kind of stuff. But he
could never quite figure out how the Hebrews found out about this spot from
across the ocean. He worried about that for a while.

Garden of Eden, hunh? said Jack. How long have you been here, Nate?

No idea, really", replied Nate. A long time. It never occurred to me to
count years, until recently, and by then, of course, it was too late. But
I do remember when this whole place was green, so I figure it's been
thousands of years, at least.

So, are you the snake that tempted Eve? said Jack.

Beats me, said Nate. Maybe. I can't remember if the first one of your kind
that I talked to was female or not, and I never got a name, but it could
have been. And I suppose she could have considered my offer to grant
requests a 'temptation', though I've rarely had refusals.

Well, umm, how did you get here then? And why is that white pole stuck out
of the stone there? asked Jack.

Dad left me here. Or, I assume it was my dad. It was another snake - much
bigger than I was back then. I remember talking to him, but I don't
remember if it was in a language, or just kind of understanding what he
wanted. But one day, he brought me to this stone, told me about it, and
asked me to do something for him. I talked it over with him for a while,
and then agreed.
I've been here ever since.

What is this place? said Jack. And what did he ask you to do?

Well, you see this pole here, sticking out of the stone? Nate loosened his
coils around the tilted white pole and showed Jack where it descended into
the stone. The pole was tilted at about a 45 degree angle and seemed to
enter the stone in an eighteen inch slot cut into the stone. Jack leaned
over and looked. The slot was dark and the pole went down into it as far
as
Jack could see in the dim light. Jack reached out to touch the pole, but
Nate was suddenly there in the way.

You can't touch that yet, Jack, said Nate.

Why not? asked Jack.

I haven't explained it to you yet, replied Nate.

Well, it kinda looks like a lever or something, said Jack. You'd push it
that way, and it would move in the slot.

Yep, that's what it is, replied Nate.

What does it do? asked Jack. End the world?

Oh, no, said Nate nothing that drastic. It just ends humanity. I call it
'The Lever of Doom'. For the last few words Nate had used a deeper, ringing
voice. He tried to look serious for a few seconds, and then gave up and
grinned.

Jack was initially startled by Nate's pronouncement, but when Nate grinned
Jack laughed. Ha! You almost had me fooled for a second there. What does it
really do?

Oh, it really ends humanity, like I said", smirked Nate. I just thought the
voice I used was funny, didn't you?

Nate continued to grin.

A lever to end humanity? asked Jack. What in the world is that for? Why
would anyone need to end humanity?

Well, replied Nate, I get the idea that maybe humanity was an experiment.
Or maybe the Big Guy just thought, that if humanity started going really
bad,
there should be a way to end it. I'm not really sure. All I know are the
rules, and the guesses that Samuel and I had about why it's here. I didn't
think to ask back when I started here.

Rules, what rules? asked Jack.

The rules are that I can't tell anybody about it or let them touch it
unless they agree to be bound to secrecy by a bite. And that only one
human can be bound in that way at a time. That's it. explained Nate.

Jack looked somewhat shocked. You mean that I could pull the lever now?
You'd let me end humanity?

Yep, replied Nate, if you want to. Nate looked at Jack carefully. Do you
want to, Jack?

Umm, no. said Jack, stepping a little further back from the lever. Why in
the world would anyone want to end humanity? It'd take a psychotic to want
that! Or worse, a suicidal psychotic, because it would kill him too,
wouldn't it?

Yep, replied Nate, being as he'd be human too".

Has anyone ever seriously considered it? asked Nate. Any of those bound to
secrecy, that is?

Well, of course, I think they've all seriously considered it at one time or
another. Being given that kind of responsibility makes you sit down and
think, or so I'm told. Samuel considered it several times. He'd often get
disgusted with humanity, come out here, and just hold the lever for a
while.
But he never pulled it. Or you wouldn't be here. Nate grinned some more.
Jack sat down, well back from the lever. He looked thoughtful and puzzled
at the same time. After a bit, he said, So this makes me the Judge of
humanity?
I get to decide whether they keep going or just end? Me?

That seems to be it, agreed Nate.

What kind of criteria do I use to decide? said Jack. How do I make this
decision? Am I supposed to decide if they're good? Or too many of them are
bad? Or that they're going the wrong way? Is there a set of rules for that?

Nope, replied Nate. You pretty much just have to decide on your own. It's
up to you; however you want to decide it. I guess that you're just
supposed to know.

But what if I get mad at someone? Or some girl dumps me and I feel
horrible?
Couldn't I make a mistake? How do I know that I won't screw up? protested
Jack.

Nate gave his kind of snake-like shrug again. You don't. You just have to
try your best, Jack.

Jack sat there for a while, staring off into the desert that was rapidly
getting dark, chewing on a fingernail. Suddenly, Jack turned around and
looked at the snake. Nate, was Samuel the one bound to this before me?

Yep, replied Nate. He was a good guy, talked to me a lot. Taught me to read
and brought me books. I think I still have a good pile of them buried in
the sand around here somewhere. I still miss him. He died a few months
ago.

Sounds like a good guy", agreed Jack. How did he handle this, when you
first told him? What did he do?

Well, said Nate, he sat down for a while, thought about it for a bit, and
then asked me some questions, much like you're doing.

What did he ask you, if you're allowed to tell me? asked Jack.

He asked me about the third request, replied Nate.

Aha! It was Jack's turn to grin. And what did you tell him?

I told him the rules for the third request. That to get the third request
you have to agree to this whole thing. That if it ever comes to the point
that you really think that humanity should be ended, that you'll come here
and end it. You won't avoid it, and you won't wimp out. Nate looked serious
again. And you'll be bound to do it too, Jack.

Hmmm. Jack looked back out into the darkness for a while.

Nate watched him, waiting.

Nate, continued Jack, quietly, eventually. What did Samuel ask for with his
third request?

Nate sounded like he was grinning again as he replied, also quietly,
Wisdom,
Jack. He asked for wisdom, as much as I could give him.

Ok, said Jack, suddenly, standing up and facing away from Nate", give it to
me.

Nate looked at Jack's backside. Give you what, Jack?

Give me that wisdom. The same stuff that Samuel asked for. If it helped
him,
maybe it'll help me too. Jack turned his head to look back over his
shoulder at Nate. It did help him, right?

He said it did, replied Nate. But he seemed a little quieter afterward.
Like he had a lot to think about.

Well, yeah, I can see that, said Jack. So, give it to me. Jack turned to
face away from Nate again, bent over slightly and tensed up.

Nate watched Jack tense up with a little exasperation. If he bit Jack now,
Jack would likely jump out of his skin and maybe hurt them both. You
remember that you'll be bound to destroy humanity if it ever looks like it
needs it, right Jack? asked Nate, shifting position.

Yeah, yeah, I got that, replied Jack; eyes squeezed tightly shut and body
tense, not noticing the change in direction of Nate's voice.

And continued Nate, from his new position, do you remember that you'll turn
bright purple, and grow big horns and extra eyes?

Yeah, yeah... Hey, wait a minute! said Jack, opening his eyes,
straightening up and turning around. Purple?! He didn't see Nate there.
With the moonlight
Jack could see that the lever extended up from its slot in the rock without
the snake wrapped around it.

Jack heard, from behind him, Nate's Just Kidding! right before he felt the
now familiar piercing pain, this time in the other buttock.

Jack sat on the edge of the dark stone in the rapidly cooling air, his feet
extending out into the sand. He stared out into the darkness, listening to
the wind stir the sand, occasionally rubbing his butt where he'd been
recently bitten.

Nate had left for a little while, had come back with a desert-rodent-shaped
bulge somewhere in his middle, and was now wrapped back around the lever,
his tongue flicking out into the desert night's air the only sign that he
was still awake.

Occasionally Jack, with his toes absentmindedly digging in the sand while
he thought, would ask Nate a question without turning around.

Nate, do accidents count?

Nate lifted his head a little bit. What do you mean, Jack?

Jack tilted his head back like he was looking at the stars. You know
accidents. If I accidentally fall on the lever, without meaning to, does
that still wipe out humanity?

Yeah, I'm pretty sure it does, Jack. I'd suggest you be careful about that
if you start feeling wobbly, said Nate with some amusement.

A little later - Does it have to be me that pulls the lever? asked Jack.

That's the rule, Jack. Nobody else can pull it", answered Nate.

No", Jack shook his head, I meant does it have to be my hand? Could I pull
the lever with a rope tied around it? Or push it with a stick? Or throw a
rock?

Yes, those should work, replied Nate. Though I'm not sure how complicated
you could get. Samuel thought about trying to build some kind of remote
control for it once, but gave it up. Everything he'd build would be gone
by the next sunrise, if it was touching the stone, or over it. I told him
that in the past others that had been bound had tried to bury the lever so
they wouldn't be tempted to pull it, but every time the stones or sand or
whatever had disappeared.

Wow, said Jack, Cool". Jack leaned back until only his elbows kept him off
of the stone and looked up into the sky.

Nate, how long did Samuel live? One of his wishes was for health too,
right?
asked Jack.

Yes, replied Nate, it was. He lived 167 years, Jack.

Wow, 167 years. That's almost 140 more years I'll live if I live as long.
Do you know what he died of, Nate?

He died of getting tired of living, Jack, Nate said, sounding somewhat sad.

Jack turned his head to look at Nate in the starlight.

Nate looked back. Samuel knew he wasn't going to be able to stay in
society.
He figured that they'd eventually see him still alive and start questioning
it, so he decided that he'd have to disappear after a while. He faked his
death once, but changed his mind - he decided it was too early and he
could stay for a little longer. He wasn't very fond of mankind, but he
liked the attention. Most of the time, anyway. His daughter and then his
wife dying almost did him in though. He didn't stay in society much longer
after that.
He eventually came out here to spend time talking to me and thinking about
pulling the lever. A few months ago he told me he'd had enough. It was his
time.

And then he just died? asked Jack.

Nate shook his head a little. He made his fourth request, Jack. There's
only one thing you can ask for the fourth request. The last bite.

After a bit Nate continued, He told me that he was tired, that it was his
time. He reassured me that someone new would show up soon, like they
always had.

After another pause, Nate finished, Samuel's body disappeared off the stone
with the sunrise".

Jack lay back down and looked at the sky, leaving Nate alone with his
memories. It was a long time until Jack's breathing evened out into sleep.

Jack woke with the sunrise the next morning. He was a little chilled with
the morning desert air, but overall was feeling pretty good. Well, except
that his stomach was grumbling and he wasn't willing to eat raw desert
rat.

So, after getting directions to town from Nate, making sure he knew how to
get back, and reassuring Nate that he'd be back soon, Jack started the
long walk back to town. With his new health and Nate's good directions, he
made it back easily.

Jack caught a bus back to the city, and showed up for work the next day,
little worse for the wear and with a story about getting lost in the desert
and walking back out. Within a couple of days Jack had talked a friend with
a tow truck into going back out into the desert with him to fetch the SUV.
They found it after a couple of hours of searching and towed it back
without incident. Jack was careful not to even look in the direction of
Nate's lever, though their path back didn't come within sight of it.

Before the next weekend, Jack had gone to a couple of stores, including a
book store, and had gotten his SUV back from the mechanic, with a warning
to avoid any more joyriding in the desert. On Sat*rday, Jack headed back
to see
Nate. He parked a little way out of the small town near Nate, loaded up his
new backpack with camping gear and the things he was bringing for Nate, and
then started walking. He figured that walking would leave the least trail,
and he knew that while not many people camped in the desert, it wasn't
unheard of, and shouldn't really raise suspicions.

Jack had brought more books for Nate - recent books, magazines, newspapers.
Some things that would catch Nate up with what was happening in the world,
others that were just good books to read. He spent the weekend with Nate,
and then headed out again, telling Nate that he'd be back again soon, but
that he had things to do first.

Over four months later Jack was back to see Nate again. This time he
brought a laptop with him - a specially modified laptop. It had a solar
charger,
special filters and seals to keep out the sand, a satellite link-up, and a
special keyboard and joystick that Jack hoped that a fifteen-foot
rattlesnake would be able to use. And, it had been hacked to not give out
its location to the satellite.

After that Jack could e-mail Nate to keep in touch, but still visited him
fairly regularly - at least once or twice a year.

After the first year, Jack quit his job. For some reason, with the wisdom
he'd been given, and the knowledge that he could live for over 150 years,
working in a nine to five job for someone else didn't seem that worthwhile
any more. Jack went back to school.

Eventually, Jack started writing. Perhaps because of the wisdom, or perhaps
because of his new perspective, he wrote well. People liked what he wrote,
and he became well known for it. After a time, Jack bought an RV and
started travelling around the country for book signings and readings.

But, he still remembered to drop by and visit Nate occasionally.

On one of the visits Nate seemed quieter than usual. Not that Nate had been
a fountain of joy lately. Jack's best guess was that Nate was still missing
Samuel, and though Jack had tried, he still hadn't been able to replace
Samuel in Nate's eyes. Nate had been getting quieter each visit. But on
this visit Nate didn't even speak when Jack walked up to the lever. He
nodded at
Jack, and then went back to staring into the desert. Jack, respecting
Nate's silence, sat down and waited.

After a few minutes, Nate spoke. Jack, I have someone to introduce you to.

Jack looked surprised. Someone to introduce me to? Jack looked around, and
then looked carefully back at Nate. This something to do with the Big Guy?

No, no", replied Nate. This is more personal. I want you to meet my son.
Nate looked over at the nearest sand dune. Sammy!

Jack watched as a four foot long desert rattlesnake crawled from behind the
dune and up to the stone base of the lever.

Yo, Jack, said the new, much smaller snake.

Yo, Sammy replied Jack. Jack looked at Nate. Named after Samuel, I assume?

Nate nodded. Jack, I've got a favour to ask you. Could you show Sammy
around for me? Nate unwrapped himself from the lever and slithered over to
the edge of the stone and looked across the sands. When Samuel first told
me about the world, and brought me books and pictures, I wished that I
could go see it. I wanted to see the great forests, the canyons, the
cities, even the other deserts, to see if they felt and smelled the same.
I want my son to have that chance - to see the world. Before he becomes
bound here like I have been.

He's seen it in pictures, over the computer that you brought me. But I hear
that it's not the same. That being there is different. I want him to have
that. Think you can do that for me, Jack?

Jack nodded. This was obviously very important to Nate, so Jack didn't even
joke about taking a talking rattlesnake out to see the world. Yeah, I can
do that for you, Nate. Is that all you need? Jack could sense that was
something more.

Nate looked at Sammy. Sammy looked back at Nate for a second and then said,
Oh, yeah. Ummm, I've gotta go pack. Back in a little bit Jack. Nice to meet
ya! Sammy slithered back over the dune and out of sight.

Nate watched Sammy disappear and then looked back at Jack. Jack, this is my
first son. My first offspring through all the years. You don't even want to
know what it took for me to find a mate. Nate grinned to himself. But
anyway, I had a son for a reason. I'm tired. I'm ready for it to be over.
I needed a replacement.

Jack considered this for a minute. So, you're ready to come see the world,
and you wanted him to watch the lever while you were gone?

Nate shook his head. No, Jack - you're a better guesser than that. You've
already figured out - I'm bound here - there's only one way for me to
leave here. And I'm ready. It's my time to die.

Jack looked more closely at Nate. He could tell Nate had thought about this
- probably for quite a while. Jack had trouble imagining what it would be
like to be as old as Nate, but Jack could already tell that in another
hundred or two hundred years, he might be getting tired of life himself.
Jack could understand Samuel's decision, and now Nate's. So, all Jack said
was, What do you want me to do? Nate nodded. Thanks, Jack. I only want two
things. One - show Sammy around the world - let him get his fill of it,
until he's ready to come back here and take over. Two - give me the fourth
request.

I can't just decide to die, not any more than you can. I won't even die of
old age like you eventually will, even though it'll be a long time from
now.
I need to be killed. Once Sammy is back here, ready to take over, I'll be
able to die. And I need you to kill me.

I've even thought about how. Poisons and other drugs won't work on me. And
I've seen pictures of snakes that were shot - some of them live for days,
so that's out too. So, I want you to bring back a sword.

Nate turned away to look back to the dune that Sammy had gone behind. I'd
say an axe, but that's somewhat undignified - putting my head on the
ground or a chopping block like that. No, I like a sword. A time-honoured
way of going out. A dignified way to die. And, most importantly, it should
work,
even on me.

You willing to do that for me, Jack? Nate turned back to look at Jack.

Yeah, Nate, replied Jack solemnly, I think I can handle that.

Nate nodded. Good! He turned back toward the dune and shouted, Sammy!
Jack's about ready to leave! Then quietly, Thanks, Jack".

Jack didn't have anything to say to that, so he waited for Sammy to make it
back to the lever, nodded to him, nodded a final time to Nate, and then
headed into the desert with Sammy following. Over the next several years
Sammy and Jack kept in touch with Nate through e-mail as they went about
their adventures. They made a goal of visiting every country in the world,
and did a respectable job of it. Sammy had a natural gift for languages, as
Jack expected he would, and even ended up acting as a translator for Jack
in a few of the countries. Jack managed to keep the talking rattlesnake
hidden,
even so, and by the time they were nearing the end of their tour of
countries, Sammy had only been spotted a few times. While there were
several people that had seen enough to startle them greatly, nobody had
enough evidence to prove anything, and while a few wild rumours and
storied followed Jack and Sammy around, nothing ever hit the newspapers or
the public in general.

When they finished the tour of countries, Jack suggested that they try some
undersea diving. They did. And spelunking. They did that too. Sammy finally
drew the line at visiting Antarctica. He'd come to realize that Jack was
stalling. After talking to his Dad about it over e-mail, he figured out
that
Jack probably didn't want to have to kill Nate. Nate had told Sammy that
humans could be squeamish about killing friends and acquaintances.

So, Sammy eventually put his tail down (as he didn't have a foot) and told
Jack that it was time - he was ready to go back and take up his duties from
his dad. Jack, delayed it a little more by insisting that they go back to
Japan and buy an appropriate sword. He even stretched it a little more by
getting lessons in how to use the sword. But, eventually, he'd learned as
much as he was likely to without dedicating his life to it, and was
definitely competent enough to take the head off of a snake. It was time
to head back and see Nate.

When they got back to the US, Jack got the old RV out of storage where he
and Sammy had left it after their tour of the fifty states, he loaded up
Sammy and the sword, and they headed for the desert.

When they got to the small town that Jack had been trying to find those
years ago when he'd met Nate, Jack was in a funk. He didn't really feel
like walking all of the way out there. Not only that, but he'd forgotten
to figure the travel time correctly, and it was late afternoon. They'd
either have to spend the night in town and walk out tomorrow, or walk in
the dark.

As Jack was afraid that if he waited one more night he might lose his
resolve, he decided that he'd go ahead and drive the RV out there. It was
only going to be this once, and Jack would go back and cover the tracks
afterward. They ought to be able to make it out there by nightfall if they
drove, and then they could get it over tonight.

Jack told Sammy to e-mail Nate that they were coming as he drove out of
sight of the town on the road. They then pulled off the road and headed
out into the desert.

Everything went well, until they got to the sand dunes. Jack had been
nursing the RV along the whole time, over the rocks, through the creek
beds,
revving the engine the few times they almost got stuck. When they came to
the dunes, Jack didn't really think about it, he just downshifted and
headed up the first one. By the third dune, Jack started to regret that
he'd decided to try driving on the sand. The RV was fishtailing and losing
traction. Jack was having to work it up each dune slowly and was trying to
keep from losing control each time they came over the top and slid down
the other side. Sammy had come up to sit in the passenger seat, coiled up
and laughing at Jack's driving.

As they came over the top of the fourth dune, the biggest one yet, Jack saw
that this was the final dune - the stone, the lever, and somewhere Nate,
waited below. Jack put on the brakes, but he'd gone a little too far. The
RV started slipping down the other side. Jack tried turning the wheel, but
he didn't have enough traction. He pumped the brakes - no response. They
started sliding down the hill, faster and faster.

Jack felt a shock go through him as he suddenly realized that they were
heading for the lever. He looked down - the RV was directly on course for
it. If Jack didn't do something, the RV would hit it. He was about to end
humanity.

Jack steered more frantically, trying to get traction. It still wasn't
working. The dune was too steep, and the sand too loose. In a split
second,
Jack realized that his only chance would be once he hit the stone around
the lever - he should have traction on the stone for just a second before
he hit the lever - he wouldn't have time to stop, but he should be able to
steer away.

Jack took a better grip on the steering wheel and tried to turn the RV a
little bit - every little bit would help. He'd have to time his turn just
right.

The RV got to the bottom of the dune, sliding at an amazing speed in the
sand. Just before they reached the stone Jack looked across it to check
that they were still heading for the lever. They were. But Jack noticed
something else that he hadn't seen from the top of the dune. Nate wasn't
wrapped around the lever. He was off to the side of the lever, but still
on the stone, waiting for them. The problem was, he was waiting on the
same side of the lever that Jack had picked to steer towards to avoid the
lever. The RV was already starting to drift that way a little in its mad
rush across the sand and there was no way that Jack was going to be able
to go around the lever to the other side.

Jack had an instant of realization. He was either going to have to hit the
lever, or run over Nate. He glanced over at Sammy and saw that Sammy
realized the same thing.

Jack took a firmer grip on the steering wheel as the RV ran up on the
stone.
Shouting to Sammy as he pulled the steering wheel, BETTER NATE THAN LEVER ,
he ran over the snake.

THE END

[Charliewool]

http://www.fordforums.com.au/showthr...highlight=nate
POST 6..... Half way through, I KNEW I'd been put through this somewhere before!...
(that HAS to be the worst EVER!)

[Charliewool]

Originally Posted by buts46

Apologies if this has been done before... just got it from a Kiwi mate.

A man was fishing. He began his outing with a 25kg Kingfish on the first drop and a 20 lb snapper on the second.

On the third drop he had just scored his first ever King Terakihi when his cell phone rang. It was a doctor notifying him that his wife had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition in ICU.

The man told the doctor to inform his wife where he was and that the he'd be there as soon as possible. As he hung up he realized he was leaving, what was shaping up to be, his best ever fishing trip. He decided to get in a couple of more drifts before heading to the hospital.

He ended up catching several personal bests, limited out on three species and all in all, had his best days fishing by far. He was jubilant.... Then he remembered his wife. Feeling guilty he dashed to the hospital. He saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about his wife's condition.

The doctor glared at him and shouted, "You went ahead and kept fishing didn't you!

"I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself on the ocean, your wife has been languishing in the ICU! It's just as well you went ahead and finished the fishing because
it will be more than likely your last!" "For the rest of her life she will require 'round the clock care. And you'll be her care giver!"

The man was feeling so guilty he broke down and sobbed .

The doctor snickered and said, "Just f$#@ing with you. She's dead. What'd you catch?"

A woman was in town on a shopping trip.
She began her day finding the most perfect shoes in the first shop and a beautiful dress on sale in the second. In the third everything had just been reduced to a fiver when her mobile phone rang. It was a female doctor notifying her that her husband had just been in a terrible accident and was in critical condition and in the ICU.
The woman told the doctor to inform her husband where she was and that she'd be there as soon as possible.
As she hung up she realized she was leaving what was shaping up to be her best day ever in the shops. she decided to get in a couple of more shops before heading to the hospital. She ended up shopping the rest of the morning, finishing her trip with a cup of coffee and a beautiful coffee slice complimentary from the last shop.
She was jubilant. Then she remembered her husband. Feeling guilty, she dashed to the hospital. She saw the doctor in the corridor and asked about her Husband's condition.
The lady doctor glared at her and shouted, 'You went ahead and finished your shopping trip didn't you! I hope you're proud of yourself! While you were out for the past four hours enjoying yourself in town, your husband has been languishing in the Intensive Care Unit! It's just as well you went ahead and finished, because it will be more than likely the last shopping trip you ever take! For the rest of his life he will require round the clock care. And you'll now be his carer!'
The woman was feeling so guilty she broke down and sobbed...........



The lady doctor then chuckled and said, 'I'm just pulling your leg. He's dead. Let's see what you bought?'

[Elks]

^^^^^^^
AAAAAGH!

10,867 words for that! Burned out you owe me.

[Daymoe]

That WHOLE story for the last line, you got me hooked into the story too you bastard.

[Auslandau]

You also find out interesting things when you have sons, like:-

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 m2 house to a depth of 10 cm.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.

5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies,

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.

15. VCR's do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Brisbane, Qld, has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.



| [/url] |

[Mickxr8]

hmmm better go and buy some bleach ! hehe

[AndrewR_AUII]

Pool Chlorine works just as well...

Yes, I did survive childhood.

[gtfpv]

Originally Posted by auslandau

You also find out interesting things when you have sons, like:-

1. A king size waterbed holds enough water to fill a 200 m2 house to a depth of 10 cm.

2. If you spray hair spray on dust balls and run over them with roller blades, they can ignite.

3. A 3-year old Boy's voice is louder than 200 adults in a crowded restaurant.

4. If you hook a dog leash over a ceiling fan, the motor is not strong enough to rotate a 20 Kg boy wearing Batman underwear and a Superman cape. It is strong enough, however, if tied to a paint can, to spread paint on all four walls of a 6m x 6m room.

5. You should not throw cricket balls up when the ceiling fan is on. When using a ceiling fan as a bat, you have to throw the ball up a few times before you get a hit. A ceiling fan can hit a cricket ball a long way.

6. The glass in windows (even double-glazed) doesn't stop a cricket ball hit by a ceiling fan.

7. When you hear the toilet flush and the words 'uh oh', it's already too late.

8. Brake fluid mixed with bleach makes smoke, and lots of it.

9. A six-year old Boy can start a fire with a flint rock even though a 36-year old Man says they can only do it in the movies,

10. Certain Lego's will pass through the digestive tract of a 4- year old Boy.

11. Play dough and microwave should not be used in the same sentence.

12. Super glue is forever.

13. No matter how many jelly crystals you put in a swimming pool you still can't walk on water.

14. Pool filters do not like jelly crystals.

15. VCR's do not eject 'BL&T' sandwiches even though TV commercials show they do.

16. Garbage bags do not make good parachutes.

17. Marbles in petrol tanks make lots of noise when driving.

18. You probably DO NOT want to know what that smell is.

19. Always look in the oven before you turn it on; plastic toys do not like ovens.

20. The fire department in Brisbane, Qld, has a 5-minute response time.

21. The spin cycle on the washing machine does not make earthworms dizzy.

22. It will, however, make cats dizzy.

23. Cats throw up twice their body weight when dizzy.

80% of Women will pass this on to almost all of their friends, with or without kids.

80% of Men who read this will try mixing the bleach and brake fluid.

that is gold !! and spot on .

i have one to ad to it . vaseline will style a 3 year olds hair for 3 months, and no one has a remedy !!

[asusdragon]

hahahaha got to number 8 and thinking if i had the chemals in the shed or not, so yes im in the 80%