What jokes do you know? - Page 32

**Burnout** · 06-03-2009, 09:42 AM

A Tamworth farm wife called the local phone company to report her telephone
failed to ring when her friends called and that on the few occasions, when
it did ring, her dog always moaned right before the phone rang.
The telephone repairman proceeded to the scene, curious to see this psychic
dog or senile lady.
He climbed a telephone pole, hooked in his test set, and dialed the
subscriber's house. The phone didn't ring right away, but then the dog
moaned and the telephone began to ring. Climbing down from the pole, the
telephone repairman found:

1. The dog was tied to the telephone system's ground wire with a steel
chain and collar.

2. The wire connection to the ground rod was loose.

3. The dog was receiving 90 volts of signaling current when the number was
called.

4. After a couple of jolts, the dog would start moaning and then urinate.

5. The wet ground would complete the circuit, thus causing the phone to
ring.

This demonstrates that some problems CAN be fixed by ****ing and moaning.

Just thought you'd like to know.

**Burnout** · 07-03-2009, 02:41 PM

When I found this recipe, I thought it was perfect for people like me, who
are just never sure how to tell when poultry is thoroughly cooked, but not
dried out.

Give this a try:

BAKED STUFFED CHICKEN
· 1 medium size chicken · 1 cup melted butter · 1
cup pre made stuffing mix · 1 cup uncooked popcorn ·
Salt/pepper to taste

· Preheat oven to 350 degrees.
· Brush chicken well with melted butter, salt, and pepper.
· Fill cavity with stuffing and popcorn (mixed together).
· Place in baking pan with the neck end toward the back of the
oven.
· Listen for the popping sounds.

· When the chicken's ar*e blows the oven door off and the chicken
flies across the room, it is
Done.

And you thought I couldn't cook.

**Burnout** · 07-03-2009, 02:53 PM

Well trained dog - check out this flea bag!

Click here

**Burnout** · 07-03-2009, 10:50 PM

One Sunday morning, a woman gets a call from her upset elderly mother with the sad news that her father has passed away,.

Daughter "How did it happen?"
Mother "He passed away during our lovemaking"

Daughter "Do you not think you were a bit old for that Mother??,. you're 83 for gods sake"

Mother "Well,. we went to the Docs, he said that as long as we kept things nice and gentle, there would not be an issue" she sobbed. "In fact he suggested that your Father kept in time with the church bells on a Sunday morning - in with a ding - out with a dong so to speak"

Daughter "And???,.."

Mother "It was all going so well until the damn Ice Cream van drove past",......

**Burnout** · 09-03-2009, 09:45 AM

Joe had gotten a sales route for the Acme insecticide company. He went off
and after a week found that everyone was buying from Flanders of the Ace
Insecticide Company and had no real inclination to change. He searched his
mind for a way to break this up. Finally he came up with it.

Joe goes to Farmer Jones, the largest farmer in the valley and makes a
pitch. "But I'm satisfied with the Ace products. Why should I change,"

Jones tells him. "Because Acme is better," Joe tells him, "I can even
prove it. You have that meadow near the river where the mosquitos are really
fierce. Let me spray the area and you can tie me naked to a tree all night. If I have even one bite on my body come morning, you just send me on my way, but if I come through unbitten, you have to buy all your insecticide from me this year."

Jones considers this and decides that he can't loose. The two go down to the
meadow, Joe sprays the area, undresses, and Jones ties him to a tree. Jones
says good night and leaves.

The next morning, Jones returns and finds Joe exhausted but unmarked. Joe
isn't just tired, he can hardly stand. "Are you alright?" Jones asks. "I'm
fine, but doesn't that calf have a mother?"

Daymoe · 09-03-2009, 01:51 PM

The lamest joke ever:

Why didn't the skeleton jump off the building?

BECAUSE HE HAS NO GUTS

pauljh74 · 09-03-2009, 03:06 PM

The Beach Boys walk into a bar
"Round?"
"Round?"
"Get a round"
"I get a round?"
"Get a round...."
**************************************

Edinburgh has fielded 'HotScots', the first all-gay football team.

I can't see them doing too well against the straight teams.

I'm not homophobic or anything; I just don't think they'll be very tight at the back...
**************************************

I kept hearing a terrible noise in my car this morning. Eventually I decided to just let her drive.
**************************************

Grandpa was reminiscing about his wife.
'Yes, she was a remarkable woman - extremely religious. When she woke up in the morning she would sing a hymn, then she would say a prayer, then sing another hymn and finish with another prayer. Then, after breakfast, she would say a prayer, sing a hymn, then say a prayer and sing another hymn, and that's how it went on all day - praying, singing, singing and praying. Then as darkness fell, she'd climb into bed, say her prayers, sing a hymn and say her prayers again. And then, one morning, she was dead.'

'What happened?'

'I strangled her.'
**************************************

What's the difference between Catholic wives and Jewish wives?

Catholic wives have real orgasms and fake jewelry.

Hords · 09-03-2009, 03:15 PM

One evening a man was at home watching TV and eating peanuts.

He'd toss them in the air, and then catch them in his mouth In the middle of catching one, his wife asked him a question - and as he turned to answer her, a peanut fell in his ear.

He tried and tried to dig it out but succeeded in only pushing it in deeper.

He called his wife for assistance, and after hours of trying they became worried and decided to go to the hospital.

As they were ready to go out the door, their daughter came home with her date. After being informed of the problem, their daughter's date said he could get the peanut out..

The young man told the father to sit down, then proceeded to shove two fingers up the father's nose and told him to blow hard.

When the father blew, the peanut flew out of his ear.

The mother and daughter jumped and yelled for joy. The young man insisted that it was nothing.

Once he was gone, the mother turned to the father and said, 'That's so wonderful! Isn't he smart? What do you think he's going to be when he grows older?'

The father replied, 'From the smell of his fingers … our son-in-law.

svo347 · 09-03-2009, 03:30 PM

Well it was truely a sad day in the Cloughs Family as Ned bless his soul had passed at 86. Now Neds wife Maria has sworn an oath to uphold Neds dying wish and be dressed in a blue suit at his funeral. So the arrangements had been made and Maria went home to mourn the loss of her life.
Now at the morgue the neccessary tasks were underway, the body had been washed but the actual request from Maria had been misplaced and poor old Ned was dressed up in black, put into his coffin and the makeup had been put on, flowers arranged etc.
The next day before the funeral party had arrived, Maria wanted to see Ned in this shiny blue suit and to remenisce? about old memories to her horror saw Ned in a black suit. Now Maria called the gallery owner absolutely distraught and had told him of the prior arrangements and that the day had been ruined for her sworn promise was broken. By now the Funeral party had gathered inside and the event was about to start in 15 minutes. The gallery owner told Maria there wasnt enough time to fix it but he promised her he would do his best. 10 minutes later sure enough Ned was rolled out wearing a stunning blue suit and Maria broke down in tears, the session was beautiful, Ned sure would have been proud.
So after the Funeral, Maria so very grateful gave the Funeral Director a warm meaningful hug and thanked him for the beautiful suit and asked how he managed to dress Ned so quickly by himself and re-arrange the flowers etc.
to this the Funeral Director replied "Well Maria" today was really your lucky day... "How so Maria replied??" "Well you see we have another session this afternoon and the deceased was wearing a Blue crested suit" he said quiet smartly.. "It was just a matter of swapping the heads!!"

RSgerry · 09-03-2009, 11:51 PM

^^^^

hahahahahaha absolute classic. gold.

duaned · 10-03-2009, 12:31 AM

Here's one for you!

The Centrelink Office.

A long haired aussie walked into the local Centrelink office to pick up his dole cheque.
He marched straight up to the counter and said,
‘Hi, You know, I just HATE drawing the dole. I'd really rather have a job.'

The Centrelink girl behind the counter said, ' your timing is excellent, Sir.'
'We have just received a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a
chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around
in his 2007 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes.

Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to
escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to
say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc.
located above the garage will be designated for your sole use and the salary
is $200,000 a year. '

The aussie plain wide-eyed, said, ' You're bull shitin' me! '

The Centrelink worker replied, ' Yeah, well . . you started it.'

Lesson 1:
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.

The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

Lesson 2:

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

**Charliewool** · 10-03-2009, 08:13 AM

WHO IS JACK SCHITT?

For some time many of us have wondered just who is Jack Schitt?
We find ourselves at a loss when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt!'
Well, thanks to my genealogy efforts, you can now respond in an
intellectual way.

Jack Schitt is the only son of Awe Schitt.

Awe Schitt, the fertilizer magnate, married O. Schitt, the owner of Needeep N. Schitt, Inc. They had one son, Jack.

In turn, Jack Schitt married Noe Schitt. The deeply religious couple produced six children: Holie Schitt, Giva Schitt, Fulla Schitt, Bull Schitt, and the twins Deep Schitt and Dip Schitt.

Against her parents' objections, Deep Schitt married Dumb Schitt, a high school dropout.

After being married 15 years, Jack and Noe Schitt divorced. Noe Schitt later married Ted Sherlock, and because her kids were living with them, she wanted to keep her previous name. She was then known as Noe Schitt Sherlock..

Meanwhile, Dip Schitt married Lodza Schitt, and they produced a son with a rather nervous disposition named Chicken Schitt. Two of the other six children, Fulla Schitt and Giva Schitt, were inseparable throughout childhood and subsequently married the Happens brothers in a dual ceremony.. The wedding announcement in the newspaper announced the Schitt-Happens nuptials. The Schitt-Happens children were Dawg, Byrd, and Horse.

Bull Schitt, the prodigal son, left home to tour the world. He recently returned from Italy with his new Italian bride, Pisa Schitt.

NOW when someone says, 'You don't know Jack Schitt,' you can correct them.

Sincerely,
Crock O. Schitt

**Burnout** · 10-03-2009, 08:45 AM

The efficiency expert concluded his lecture with a note of caution. "You
don't want to try these techniques at home."

"Why not?" asked somebody from the audience.

"I watched my wife's routine at breakfast for years," the expert
explained. "She made lots of trips between the refrigerator, stove, table
and cabinets, often carrying a single item at a time. One day I told her,
'Hon, why don't you try carrying several things at once?'"

"Did it save time?" the guy in the audience asked.

"Actually, yes," replied the expert. "It used to take her 20 minutes to
make breakfast. Now I do it in seven."

================================================== =======

Everybody on earth dies and goes to heaven.

God comes and says, "I want the men to make two lines. One line for the
men that dominated their women on earth and the other line for the men
that were dominated by their women. Also, I want all the women to go with
St. Peter."

With that said and done, the next time God looked, the women are gone and
there are two lines. The line of the men that were dominated by their
women was 100 miles long, and in the line of men that dominated their
women, there was only one man.

God got mad and said, "You men should be ashamed of yourselves. I
created, you in my image and you were all whipped by your mates. Look at
the only, one of my sons that stood up and made me proud. Learn from him!
Tell them my son, how did you manage to be the only one in this line?"

And the man replied, "I don't know, my wife told me to stand here."

================================================== ========

Two young boys walked into a pharmacy one day, picked out a box of Tampax
and proceeded to the checkout counter. The man at the counter asked the
older boy, "Son, how old are you?"

"Eight", the boy replied.

The man continued, "Do you know how these are used?"

The boy replied, "Not exactly, but they aren't for me. They are for him.
He's my brother. He's four. We saw on TV that if you use these you would
be able to swim and ride a bike. He can't do either."

**Burnout** · 11-03-2009, 11:30 PM

An emperor of the Rising Sun advertised for a new chief samurai warrior.

Only three applied for the job: a Japanese, a Chinese and a Jewish samurai.

"Demonstrate your skills," commanded the emperor.

The Japanese samurai stepped forward, opening a tiny box, and released fly.
He drew his sword and - Swish!
The fly fell to the floor, neatly divided in two.

The Chinese samurai smiled, then opened a tiny box, also releasing a fly. He
drew his sword. Swish-swish! The fly fell to the floor neatly quartered.

The Jewish samurai stepped forward, released yet another fly, and drew his
sword. SWOOOOOOOSH! The speed of his sword created a gust of wind. The fly
let out a high-pitched sound, but continued to fly around.

"What kind of skill is that?" asked the emperor. "The fly isn't even dead."

"Dead, schmead" replied the Jewish samurai. "Dead is easy. But circumcision - that takes skill!"

**Burnout** · 12-03-2009, 08:19 PM

Have you spent years trying and failing to understand what New Zealanders
are saying? Just by following these easy steps you too can hold a
conversation with a New Zealander. What you hear and what it really means:

BETTING: "Betting Gloves" are worn by betsmen in crucket.

BRIST: Part of the human anatomy between the "nick" and the "billy"

BUGGER: As in "mine is bugger than yours".

CHULLY BUN: Also known as an Esky

DIMMER KRETZ: Those who believe in democracy.

ERROR BUCK: Language spoken in countries like "Surria", "E-Jupp" and
"Libernon".

EKKA DYMOCKS: University staff

GUESS: Flammable vapour used in stoves.

SENDLES: Thongs, open shoes

COLOUR: Terminator , murderer.

CUSS: Kiss

PHAR LAP: NZ's famous horse which was actually christened "PHILLIP".

ERROR ROUTE: As in "Arnotts mulk error route buskets".

FITTER CHENEY: A type of long flat pasta not to be confused with "rugger tony".

**Burnout** · 13-03-2009, 09:55 AM

Sean Connery gets a call from his agent one day. The agent goes "Sean, I've
got you a job - starts tomorrow, early. You'll have to be there for 10-ish".

Sean furrows his brow and says
"Tennish? ........ I don't even have a racket."

FGII-XR6 · 13-03-2009, 10:39 AM

THE BLONDE WHO MARRIED A CATHOLIC

On their honeymoon, the blonde bride slipped into a sexy nightie and, with
great anticipation, crawled into bed, only to find her new Catholic
husband had settled down on the couch. When she asked him why he was
apparently not going to make love to her, he replied, 'It's Lent'.In
tears, she sobbed, 'Well, that is the most ridiculous thing I've ever heard! Who did you lend it to, and for how long?'

FGII-XR6 · 13-03-2009, 10:48 AM

PIPE DESIGN CRITERIA

1. All pipe is to be made of a long hole, surrounded by metal or plastic
centred around the hole.

2. All pipe is to be hollow throughout the entire length - do not use holes
of different length than the pipe.

3. The ID (inside diameter) of all pipe must not exceed the O.D. (outside
diameter) otherwise the hole will be on the outside.

4. All pipe is to be supplied with nothing in the hole so that the water,
steam or other stuff can be put inside at a later date.

5. All pipe should be supplied without rust; this can be more readily
applied at the job site. Note: Some vendors are now able to supply
pre-rusted pipe. If available in your area, product is recommended,
as it will save a great deal of time of the job site.

6. All pipe over 500 ft (153m) in length should have the words "Long Pipe"
clearly painted on each end so the contractor will know it is a long pipe.

7. Pipe over 2 miles (3.2km) in length must also have the words "Long Pipe"
painted in the middle so the contractor will not have to walk the entire
length of the pipe to determined wether or not it is long pipe or a short
pipe.

8. All pipe over 6" (152mm) in diameter must have the words "Large Pipe"
painted on it sot eh contractor will not mistake it for a small pipe.

9. Flanges must be used on all pipe. Flanges must have holes in for bolts
quite separate from the big hole in the middle.

10. When ordering 90 degrees, 45 degrees or 30 degree elbows, be sure to
specify right hand or left hand: otherwise you will end up going the wrong
way.

11. Be sure to specify to your vendor wether you want level, uphill or
downhill pipe. If you use downhill pipe for going uphill,
the water will flow the wrong way.

12. All couplings should have either right hand or left hand threads, but
do not mix the threads, otherwise as the coupling is being screwed on one
pipe; it is unscrewed from the other.

FGII-XR6 · 13-03-2009, 11:11 AM

George Phillips , an elderly man, from Meridian, Mississippi, was going up
to bed, when his wife told him that he'd left the light on in the garden
shed, which she could see from the bedroom window. George opened the back
door to go turn off the light, but saw that there were people in the shed
stealing things.

He phoned the police, who asked "Is someone in your house?"

He said "No," but some people are breaking into my garden shed and stealing
from me.

Then the police dispatcher said "All patrols are busy. You should lock your
doors and an officer will be along when one is available."

George said, "Okay."

He hung up the phone and counted to 30.

Then he phoned the police again.

"Hello, I just called you a few seconds ago because there were people
stealing things from my shed. Well, you don't have to worry about them now
because I just shot them." and he hung up.

Within five minutes, six Police Cars, a SWAT Team, a Helicopter, two
Fire Trucks, a Paramedic, and an Ambulance showed up at the Phillips'
residence, and caught the burglars red-handed.

One of the Policemen said to George, "I thought you said that you'd shot
them!"

George said, "I thought you said there was nobody available!"

FGII-XR6 · 13-03-2009, 11:37 AM

A Secretary

A secretary walked into her boss's office and said, "I'm afraid I've got
some bad news for you."

"Why do you always have to give me bad news?" he complained. "Tell me some
good news for once."

"All right, here's some good news," said the secretary. "You're not
sterile."

**Burnout** · 13-03-2009, 05:00 PM

Two Aussies, Bruce and Johnno, were adrift in a lifeboat following a
dramatic escape from a burning freighter.

While rummaging through the boat's provisions, Bruce stumbled
across an old lamp. Secretly hoping that a genie would
appear, he rubbed the lamp vigorously.
To the amazement of Bruce, a genie came forth. This
particular genie, however, stated that he could only deliver
one wish, not the standard three.

Without giving much thought to the matter, Bruce blurted out,"Make
the entire ocean into VB!" The genie clapped his hands with a
deafening crash, and immediately the entire sea turned into the finest
brew ever sampled by mortals. Simultaneously, the genie vanished.
Only the gentle lapping of VB on the hull broke the stillness as the
two men considered their circumstances.

Johnno looked disgustedly at Bruce whose wish had been granted.
After a long, tension-filled moment, he spoke: "Nice going
Bruce! Now we're going to have to piddle in the boat."

**Charliewool** · 14-03-2009, 12:51 PM

A guy went to the Post Office to apply for a job.
The interviewer asked him, 'Are you allergic to anything?
He replied, 'yes - caffeine'.
Have you ever been in the military service?
"Yes,' he replied.' I was in Iraq for two years.'
The interviewer said, 'That will give you 5 extra points toward employment.
Then he asked, "are you disabled in any way?'
The guy said, 'Yes.... a roadside bomb exploded near me and I lost both of my testicles.'
The interviewer said O.K. - You've got enough points for me to hire you right now.
Our normal hours are from 8:00 A.M. to 4:00 P.M. You can start tomorrow at 10:00 A.M. and plan on starting @ 10:00 A.M. every day.
The guy puzzled asks, 'if the work hours are from 8 to 4, why do you want me here at 10?

"This is a government job,' the interviewer said. 'For the first two hours, we just stand around drinking coffee and scratching our balls.No point in you coming in for that!'

**Burnout** · 14-03-2009, 08:46 PM

A man went to visit his 90 year old grandfather in a very secluded, rural
area of the state he lived in. After spending the night, his grandfather
prepared breakfast for him consisting of eggs and bacon. The man noticed
a film-like substance on his plate and he questioned his grandfather, "Are
these plates clean?"

His grandfather replied, "Those plates are as clean as cold water can get
them so go on and finish your meal."

That afternoon, while eating the hamburgers his grandfather made for lunch,
he noticed tiny specks around the edge of his plate, that looked like dried
egg yokes

So he asked again, "Are you sure these plates are clean?"

Without looking up from his hamburger, the grandfather says , "I told you
before, those dishes are as clean as cold water can get them - now don't ask
me about it any more!"

Later that afternoon, the man was on his way out to dinner in a nearby
town. As he was leaving, his Grandfather's dog started to growl and would
not let him pass.

"Grandfather, your dog won't let me out."

Without diverting his attention from the football game his Grandfather was
watching, he shouted "Coldwater, get your lazy backside out of the way!"

**Burnout** · 15-03-2009, 09:59 AM

An American businessman was in Rome, and with only a few days remaining
in his trip, decided he wanted to see the Pope. He went to the Vatican,
and waited in line for a long time. Finally the Pope emerged and
proceeded down the line.

The businessman was wearing his finest Armani suit and Italian leather shoes,
and was hoping that the Pope would notice him. To his disappointment,
however, the Pope went straight past him without so much as a glance.

The businessman was even further dismayed when a few metres further down
the line, the Pope stopped in front of a decrepit local tramp, leant forward
and said a few words into the tramp's ear.

Straight afterwards the businessman went up to the tramp, and offered to
trade his Armani suit for the tramp's shabby outfit. The tramp readily agreed.

The next day the businessman went back to the Vatican wearing the tramp's
gear, and to all appearances looking (and smelling) like a homeless bum.
He waited in the line again until the Pope emerged and proceeded down the line.

This time the Pope noticed him immediately, came straight towards him,
lent forward and whispered in his ear "I thought I told you to rack off!"

Coogs289 · 15-03-2009, 10:35 AM

LMAO AT COLDWATER!

**Burnout** · 15-03-2009, 07:02 PM

Why Sex Ed needs to be taught in Catholic Schools.....

Mother Superior called all the Nuns together one evening and said to them:
"I must tell you all something. We............. we have a case of Gonorrhea in the
convent....."!

"Thank God," said an elderly Nun at the back.

"I'm so sick of Chardonnay....."

**DJR-351** · 16-03-2009, 12:56 PM

One thing about Blokes from Oz is that their hearts and humour are always in the right place!

T. B. Bechtel, a City Councillor from Newcastle NSW, was asked on a local live radio talk show, just what he thought about the allegations of torture of suspected terrorists.

His reply prompted his ejection from the studio, but to thunderous applause from the audience.

HIS STATEMENT:

'If hooking up a terrorist's prisoner's nuts to a car's battery cables will save just one Australians life, then I have just three things to say,'

'Red is positive,

Black is negative, and

Make sure his nuts are wet.'

Jason[98.EL] · 17-03-2009, 12:02 PM

A woman goes into a store to buy a fishing rod and reel for her grandson's birthday.
She doesn't know which one to get, so she just grabs one and goes over to the counter.

The salesman is standing there, wearing dark glasses.

She says, Excuse me. Can you tell me anything about this rod and

reel?'

He says, 'Madam, I'm completely blind; but, if you'll drop it on the

counter, I can tell you everything you need to know about it from the sound it makes.'

She doesn't believe him but drops it on the counter anyway.

He says, 'That's a two metre Shakespeare graphite rod with a Zebco

reel and 5-kg. test line. It's a good all around combination, and it's on sale this Week for $44.'

She says, 'It's amazing that you can tell all that just by the sound

of it dropping on the counter.

I'll take it!'

As she opens her purse, her credit card drops on the floor.

'Oh, That sounds like a Visa card', says the salesman.

As the lady bends down to pick up the card, she accidentally farts.

At first she is really embarrassed but then realizes there is no way

the blind salesman could tell it was she who had farted.

The salesman rings up the sale and says,’ That’ll be $58.50 please.'

The woman is totally confused by this and asks,

'Didn't you tell me it was on sale for $44? How did you get to $58.50?'

'The Duck Caller is $11 and the Fish Bait is $3.50.'

**Burnout** · 17-03-2009, 06:50 PM

Patrick, who was on holiday from Ireland on Bondi beach couldn't seem to
make it with any of the girls, so he asked the local lifeguard for some
advice.

"Mate, it's obvious," says the lifeguard, "you're wearing them old baggy
swimming trunks that make ya look like an old geezer. They're year's outta
style. Your best bet is to grab yourself a pair of Speedos - about two
sizes too small and drop a fist-sized potato down inside 'em. I'm tellin'
ya, mate, you'll have all the babes ya want!"

The following weekend, Patrick hits the beach with his spanking new tight
Speedos, and his fist-sized potato. Everybody on the beach was disgusted as
he walked by, covering their faces, turning away, laughing and looking
sick!

So Patrick went back to the lifeguard again and asked him, "What's wrong
now?"

"JAHEESUS!" said the lifeguard, "Mate. The potato goes in front!"

Jason[98.EL] · 17-03-2009, 10:40 PM

When me prayers were poorly said,

Who tucked me in me widdle bed,

And spanked me till me *** was red ..

Me Mudder!

Who took me from me cozy cot,

And put me on the ice cold pot,

And made me pee when I could not ..

Me Mudder!

And when the morning light would come,

And in me crib me dribbled some,

Who wiped me tiny widdle bum ...

Me Mudder!

Who would me hair so neatly part,

And hug me gently to her heart,

Who sometimes squeezed me till me fart ..

Me Mudder!

Who looked at me with eyebrows knit,

And nearly have a king size fit,

When in me Sunday pants me poop...

Me Mudder!

When at night her bed did squeak,

Me raised me head to have a peek,

Who yelled at me to go to sleep ...

Me Fadder!