What jokes do you know?

[Charliewool]

Hurricane Shazza hit Broadmeadows in the early hours of Monday 17th March 2008.

Victims were seen wandering around aimlessly, muttering 'Faaackinell'.

The hurricane devastated the area causing approximately $30 worth of
damage.

Three areas of historic burnt out cars were disturbed.

Many locals were woken well before their Centrelink cheques arrived.

The Broadmeadows Times reported that hundreds of residents were confused
and bewildered and were still trying to come to terms with the fact that
something interesting had happened in Broady .

One resident - Tracy Maree Sharon Britney Madonna Smith, a 15-year-old
mother of 5 said 'It was such a shock, my little daughter
Chardonnay-Mercedes came running into my bedroom crying. My youngest two
Joachim and River slept through it all.'

Apparently, looting, muggings and car crime were unaffected and carried
on as normal.
The Australian Red Cross has so far managed to ship 4,000
crates of Bacardi-Breezers to the area to help the stricken locals.

Rescue workers are still searching through the rubble and have found
large quantities of personal belongings, including Health Care Cards,
Jewellery from Kmart, and Bone China from Big W.

HOW CAN YOU HELP?

This appeal is to raise money for food and clothing parcels for those
unfortunate enough to be caught up in this disaster.

Clothing is most sought after - items most needed include: flannelette shirts, tight blue
jeans or spandex, singlets (blue & white) white sport socks, Ugg boots
and any other items usually sold in Priceline or The Reject Shop.

Food parcels may be harder to come by, but are needed all the same.

Required foodstuffs urgently needed include: Microwave meals, Baked
beans, Ice cream, Chips, Fizzy drinks.

Donations of $15.00 will be taken to buy a packet of winny blue 25s and
a lighter to calm the nerves of those affected.

**Breaking news**
Broadmeadows Uniting Church has cancelled their local 'Nativity Display'
due to their inability to find three wise men or a virgin.

Please don't forward this to anyone living in broadmeadows - oh stuff it,
they won't be able to read it anyway!

[Burnout]

The following is an exchange of correspondence between a customer and the
Irish Railway Company: Iarnrod Eireann.

Gentlemen,

I have been riding your trains daily for the last two years, and the
service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of
standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip.

I think the transportation system is worse than that enjoyed by people
2,000 years ago.

Yours truly, Patrick Finnegan

~~~~~~~

Dear Mr. Finnegan,

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service
and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of
transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely, Iarnrod Eireann.

~~~~~~~

Gentlemen,

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are
confused in your history. If you will refer to the Bible and the Book of
David, 9th Chapter, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ***.
That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your train in
the last two years!

Yours Truly, Patrick Finnegan

[Burnout]

My wife and I went to the movies a few nights ago...

I opted to take an aisle seat, as I usually do, because it feels a little
roomier. Just as the feature was about to start a blond from the center
of the row got up and started working her way out ...

"Excuse me, sorry, oops, excuse me, pardon me, gotta hurry, oops, excuse
me," she said, as she passed by about a dozen theater goers.

By the time she got to me I was trying to look around her and I was a
little impatient so I said, "Couldn't you have done this a little earlier?"

"No!" she said in a loud whisper, "The 'TURN OFF YOUR MOBILE PHONE PLEASE' message just now flashed on the screen!"

"So, why does that require you to rudely push your way past everybody in the row?" I asked.

"Because I left my mobile phone in the car," she explained to me.

[Burnout]

A woman calls a Vet at 1:00 in the morning, frantic that her pooch
has been carrying on with another dog. They are now stuck together in the
yard and she wants to get them apart.

The male vet, sounding a little irritated asks, "Did you try warm water?"

"Yes," said the woman, "It didn't work."

"Did you try banging pots and pans together, make a lot of noise to
frighten them apart?"

"No, but I will try that right now, hold the line!" A few minutes later,
she gets back on the phone

"No, that did not work either!"

The vet then says, "Ok, try this, after you hang up, put your phone in the
window so the dogs can hear it."

"Get on your cell phone and dial your number."

She asks, "Do you really think the ringing of my home phone will get them
apart?"

The vet replies, "Well, it worked with me and my wife when you called!"

[Burnout]

50,000 Kiwis meet in Eden Park for a "Kiwis Are Not Stupid" Convention.
Helen Clark says, "We are all here today to prove to the world thet Kiwis
are not stupid. Ken I hev a volunteer."

Carlos Spencer gingerly works his way through the crowd and steps up to the
stage. Helen asks him, "What uz fufteen plus fufteen?" After fufteen or 20
seconds Carlos says, "Eighteen!" Obviously everyone is a little
disappointed. Then all 50,000 Kiwis start chanting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER
CHANCE!
GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen says, "Well sunce we've gone to the trouble of gitting 50,000 of you
un one place end we have the world wide priss end global broadcast media
here, I thunk we ken guv hum another chance."

So she asks, "What uz sivven plus sivven?"

After nearly 30 seconds he eventually says, "Ninety!"

Helen is quite perplexed, looks down and just lets out a dejected sigh -
everyone is disheartened. Carlos starts crying and the 50,000 Kiwis begin
to yell and wave their hands shouting, "GUV HUM ANOTHER
CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

Helen, unsure whether or not she is doing more harm than damage, eventually
says, "Ok! Ok! Just one more chance... What uz two plus two?"

Carlos closes his eyes, and after a whole minute eventually says, "Four!"

Throughout the stadium pandemonium breaks out as all 50,000 Kiwis jump to
their feet, wave their arms, stamp their feet and scream...

"GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE! GUV HUM ANOTHER CHANCE!"

[Burnout]

An Australian ventriloquist visiting New Zealand walks into a small village
and sees a local sitting on his veranda patting his dog.

He figures he'll have a little fun, so he says to the Kiwi.
'G'day, mind if I talk to your dog?'

Villager: 'The dog doesn't talk, you stupid Aussie.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hello dog, how's it going mate?'
Dog: 'Yeah, doin' all right.'

Kiwi: (look of extreme shock)
Ventriloquist: 'Is this villager your owner?' (pointing at the villager)

Dog: 'Yep.'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Dog: 'Yeah, real good. He walks me twice a day, feeds me great food And takes me to the lake once a week to play.'
Kiwi: (look of utter disbelief)
Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your horse?'
Kiwi: 'Uh, the horse doesn't talk either... I think.'
Ventriloquist: 'Hey horse, how's it going?'
Horse: 'Cool.'
Kiwi: (absolutely dumbfounded)

Ventriloquist: 'Is this your owner?' (Pointing at the villager)
Horse: 'Yep.'
Ventriloquist: 'How does he treat you?'
Horse: 'Pretty good, thanks for asking. He rides me regularly, brushes me down often and keeps me in the shed to protect me from the elements.'
Kiwi: (total look of amazement)

Ventriloquist: 'Mind if I talk to your sheep?'



Kiwi: (in a panic) 'That sheep's a liar......!!'

[Burnout]

Adapted from US Military material.

'If the enemy is in range, so are you.' - Infantry Journal

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'It is generally inadvisable to eject directly over the area you just

bombed.' - U. S. Air Force Manual



----------- --------- --------- ---------

'Whoever said the pen is mightier than the sword obviously never

encountered automatic weapons.'

- General MacArthur

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'You, you, and you ... Panic. The rest of you, come with me.' - U. S.

Marine Corps Gunnery Sergeant

------ ------ --------- --------- ---------

'Tracers work both ways.' - U. S. Army Ordnance

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'Five second fuses only last three seconds.'

- Infantry Journal

----------- - --- ------ --------- ---------

'Any ship can be a minesweeper. Once.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'Never tell the Platoon Sergeant you have nothing to do.' - Unknown

Marine Corps Recruit

- ----------- --------- --------- --------- ---------

- 'If you see a bomb technician running, keep up with him!' -

USAF Ammo Troop

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'Though I Fly Through the Valley of Death , I Shall Fear No Evil. For I

am at 80,000 Feet and Climbing.' -SR-71 pilot

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'You've never been lost until you've been lost at Mach 3.' - Paul F. Crickmore (test pilot)

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'The only time you have too much fuel is when you're on fire.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'If the wings are traveling faster than the fuselage, it's probably a

helicopter -- and therefore, unsafe.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'When one engine fails on a twin-engine airplane you always have

enough power left to get you to the scene of the crash.'

------------ --------- ------- -- ---------

'Even with ammunition, the Air Force is just another expensive flying

club.'

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'What is the similarity between Air Traffic Controllers (ATC) and pilots?

If a pilot screws up, the pilot dies; If ATC screws up, .... The pilot dies.'

------------ --------- --------- --------- ---------

'Never trade luck for skill.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

The three most common expressions (or famous last words), in

aviation are: 'Why is it doing that? 'Where are we?' And; 'Oh !'

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'Airspeed, altitude and brains. Two are always needed to successfully

complete the flight.'

------------ --------- --------- --------- -

'Mankind has a perfect record in aviation; we never left one up there!'

----------- --------- --------- ---------

'Flying the airplane is more important than radioing your plight to a

person on the ground incapable of understanding or doing anything about it.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'The Piper Cub is the safest airplane in the world; it can just barely kill

you'

- Attributed to Max Stanley (Northrop test pilot)

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'There is no reason to fly through a thunderstorm in peacetime.'

- Sign over squadron ops desk at Davis-Monthan AFB, AZ, 1970

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'If something hasn't broken on your helicopter, it's about to.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

'You know that your landing gear is up and locked when it takes full

power to taxi to the terminal.'

------------ --------- --------- ---------

As the test pilot climbs out of the experimental aircraft , having torn off

the wings and tail in the crash landing, the crash truck arrives; the rescuer sees a bloodied pilot

and asks, 'What happened?' The pilot's reply: 'I don't know, I just got here myself!'

- Attributed to Ray Crandell (Lockheed test pilot)

[FGII-XR6]

A DAMN FINE EXPLANATION

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom
making love to a very attractive young woman.

And she was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she
cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your
children! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce right away!'

And the husband replied, 'Hang on just a minute love so at least I
can tell you what happened.' 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed,' but they'll be
the last words you'll say to me!'

And the husband began -- 'Well, I was getting into the car to drive
home, and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and
out and defenceless that I took pity on her and let her into the car.

I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty.
She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days.

So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the
enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because
you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in
moments.

Since she needed a good clean-up, I suggested a shower, and while
she was doing that, I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes, so
I threw them away.

Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you
have had for a few years, but don't wear because you say they are too
tight.

I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present,
which you don't wear because I don't have good taste.

I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you
don't wear just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at
the expensive boutique and don't wear because someone at work has a pair
the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so
grateful for my understanding and help that as I walked her to the door,
she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, 'Please ... Do you have
anything else that your wife doesn't use?'

[FGII-XR6]

kids have no respect
A kid came up to me the other day and asked "What's your favourite telly
tubbie?" I said "Probably the new Samsung widescreen you cheeky little
sod!"

[FGII-XR6]

almost a darwin award http://www.users.on.net/~andys83/humour/Darwinite_1.jpg

[Velociraptor82]

There are 3 kinds of people in the world.

Those who can count and those who can't.

[Burnout]

A bloke is 72years old and loves to fish.
He was sitting in his boat the other day
when he heard a voice say,

'Pick me up.'

He looked around and couldn't see any one.
He thought he was dreaming when he heard the voice say a gain,

'Pick me up.'

He looked in the water and there, floating on the top, was a frog.
The man said, 'Are you talking to me?'
The frog said, 'Yes, I'm talking to you.

"Pick me up then, kiss me and I'll turn into the most beautiful woman you
have ever seen."

I'll make sure that all your friends are envious and jealous because I will
be your bride!'

The man looked at the frog for a short time, reached over, picked it up
carefully, and placed it in his front breast pocket.

Then the frog said, "What, are you mad? Didn't you hear what I said?
I said kiss me and I will be your beautiful bride."

He opened his pocket, looked at the frog and said,
"Nah, at my age I'd rather have a talking frog."


With age comes wisdom.

[Booka]

Not a joke, but still worth the read.... especaly us younger guys on here!!

A wealthy old lady decides to go on a photo safari in Africa , taking her faithful aged poodle named Cuddles, along for the company.
One day the poodle starts chasing butterflies and before long, Cuddles discovers that he's lost.. Wandering about, he notices a leopard heading rapidly in his direction with the intention of having lunch.
The old poodle thinks, "Oh, oh! I'm in deep doo-doo now!" Noticing some bones on the ground close by, he immediately settles down to chew on the bones with his back to the approaching cat. Just as the leopard is about to leap the old poodle exclaims loudly, "Boy, that was one delicious leopard! I wonder if there are any more around here?"
Hearing this, the young leopard halts his attack in mid-strike, a look of terror comes over him and he slinks away into the trees. "Whew!", says the leopard, "That was close! That old poodle nearly had me!"
Meanwhile, a monkey who had been watching the whole scene from a nearby tree, figures he can put this knowledge to good use and trade it for protection from the leopard. So off he goes, but the old poodle sees him heading after the leopard with great speed, and figures that something must be up. The monkey soon catches up with the leopard, spills the beans and strikes a deal for himself with the leopard.
The young leopard is furious at being made a fool of and says, "Here, monkey, hop on my back and see what's going to happen to that conniving canine!
Now, the old poodle sees the leopard coming with the monkey on his back and thinks, "What am I going to do now?", but instead of running, the dog sits down with his back to his attackers, pretending he hasn't seen them yet, and just when they get close enough to hear, the old poodle says."Where's that damn monkey? I sent him off an hour ago to bring me another leopard!
Moral of this story....
Don't mess with old farts...age and treachery will always overcome youth and skill! Bullsh!t and brilliance only come with age and experience.

Cheers Booka

[pauljh74]

In ancient Greece (469 - 399 BC), Socrates was well known for his wisdom.
One day, the great philosopher came upon an acquaintance who said excitedly, "Socrates, do you know what I just heard about one of your students?"
"Wait a moment," Socrates replied. "Before telling me anything I'd like you to pass a little test. It's called the Triple Filter Test."
"Triple filter?"
"That's right," Socrates continued, "Before you talk to me about my student, it might be a good idea to take a moment and filter what you're going to say. The first filter is truth. Have you made absolutely sure that what you are about to tell me is true?"
"No," the man said, "actually I just heard about it and ....."
"All right," said Socrates. "So you don't really know if it's true or not. Now let's try the second filter, the filter of Goodness. Is what you are about to tell me about my student something good?"
"No, on the contrary ......"
"So," Socrates continued, "you want to tell me something bad about him, but you're not certain it's true. You may still pass the test though, because there's one filter left: the filter of Usefulness. Is what you want to tell me about my student going to be useful to me?
"No, not really."
"Well," concluded Socrates, "if what you want to tell me is neither true nor good nor even useful, why tell it to me at all?"
This is the reason Socrates was a great philosopher and held in such high esteem. It also explains why he never found out that Plato was banging his wife.
******************************************

Did you hear about the new emo website?
www.emo.com/wrists
******************************************

Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.

Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.

Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost their children while living in the White House.

Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.

Now it gets really weird.

Lincoln's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .

Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners

Named Johnson.

Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln was born in 1808.
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy was born in 1908.

John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln was born in 1839.
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born in 1939.

Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.

Now hang on to your seat.

Lincoln was shot at the theatre named 'Ford'.
Kennedy was shot in a car called 'Lincoln' made by 'Ford'.

Lincoln was shot in a theatre and his assassin ran and hid in a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and his assassin ran and hid in a theatre.

Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.

And here's the kicker..

A week before Lincoln was shot he was in Monroe, Maryland.
A week before Kennedy was shot he was in Marilyn Monroe.
********************************************

[birdman941]

Brilliant!

[Burnout]

The 'misunderestimated' president?

Now that he's gone back to Texas:
All politicians are prone to make slips of the tongue in the heat of the
moment - and President George W Bush has made more than most.

The word "Bushism" has been coined to label his occasional verbal lapses
during eight years in office, which come to an end on 20 January.


Here are some of his most memorable pronouncements.


ON HIMSELF


"They misunderestimated me."
Bentonville, Arkansas, 6 November, 2000


"There's an old saying in Tennessee - I know it's in Texas, probably in
Tennessee - that says, fool me once, shame on... shame on you. Fool me -
you can't get fooled again."
Nashville, Tennessee, 17 September, 2002


"There's no question that the minute I got elected, the storm clouds on the
horizon were getting nearly directly overhead."
Washington DC, 11 May, 2001


"I want to thank my friend, Senator Bill Frist, for joining us today. He
married a Texas girl, I want you to know. Karyn is with us. A West Texas
girl, just like me."
Nashville, Tennessee, 27 May, 2004


FOREIGN AFFAIRS


"For a century and a half now, America and Japan have formed one of the
great and enduring alliances of modern times."
Tokyo, 18 February, 2002


"The war on terror involves Saddam Hussein because of the nature of Saddam
Hussein, the history of Saddam Hussein, and his willingness to terrorise
himself."
Grand Rapids, Michigan, 29 January, 2003

"I think war is a dangerous place." Washington DC, 7 May, 2003


"The ambassador and the general were briefing me on the - the vast majority
of Iraqis want to live in a peaceful, free world. And we will find these
people and we will bring them to justice."
Washington DC, 27 October, 2003


"Free societies are hopeful societies. And free societies will be allies
against these hateful few who have no conscience, who kill at the whim of
a hat."
Washington DC, 17 September, 2004


"You know, one of the hardest parts of my job is to connect Iraq to the war
on terror."
CBS News, Washington DC, 6 September, 2006


EDUCATION


"Rarely is the question asked: Is our children learning?"
Florence, South Carolina, 11 January, 2000


"Reading is the basics for all learning."
Reston, Virginia, 28 March, 2000


"As governor of Texas, I have set high standards for our public schools,
and
I have met those standards."
CNN, 30 August, 2000


"You teach a child to read, and he or her will be able to pass a literacy
test.''
Townsend, Tennessee, 21 February, 2001


ECONOMICS


"I understand small business growth. I was one."
New York Daily News, 19 February, 2000


"It's clearly a budget. It's got a lot of numbers in it."
Reuters, 5 May, 2000


"I do remain confident in Linda. She'll make a fine Labour Secretary. From
what I've read in the press accounts, she's perfectly qualified."
Austin, Texas, 8 January, 2001


"First, let me make it very clear, poor people aren't necessarily killers.
Just because you happen to be not rich doesn't mean you're willing to
kill."

Washington DC, 19 May, 2003


HEALTHCARE


"I don't think we need to be subliminable about the differences between our
views on prescription drugs."
Orlando, Florida, 12 September, 2000


"Too many good docs are getting out of the business. Too many OB/GYN's
aren't able to practice their love with women all across the country."
Poplar Bluff, Missouri, 6 September, 2004

TECHNOLOGY


"Will the highways on the internet become more few?"
Concord, New Hampshire, 29 January, 2000


"It would be a mistake for the United States Senate to allow any kind of
human cloning to come out of that chamber."
Washington DC, 10 April, 2002

"Information is moving. You know, nightly news is one way, of course, but
it's also moving through the blogosphere and through the Internets."
Washington DC, 2 May, 2007


OUT OF LEFT FIELD


"I know the human being and fish can coexist peacefully."
Saginaw, Michigan, 29 September, 2000


"Families is where our nation finds hope, where wings take dream."
LaCrosse, Wisconsin, 18 October, 2000


"Those who enter the country illegally violate the law."
Tucson, Arizona, 28 November, 2005


"That's George Washington, the first president, of course. The interesting
thing about him is that I read three - three or four books about him last
year. Isn't that interesting?"
Speaking to reporter Kai Diekmann, Washington DC, 5 May, 2006


ON GOVERNING


"I have a different vision of leadership. A leadership is someone who
brings people together."
Bartlett, Tennessee, 18 August, 2000


"I'm the decider, and I decide what is best."
Washington DC, 18 April, 2006


"And truth of the matter is, a lot of reports in Washington are never read
by anybody. To show you how important this one is, I read it, and [Tony
Blair] read it."
On the publication of the Baker-Hamilton Report, Washington DC, 7 December,
2006

"All I can tell you is when the governor calls, I answer his phone."
San Diego, California, 25 October, 2007


"I'll be long gone before some smart person ever figures out what happened
inside this Oval Office."
Washington DC, 12 May, 2008

[birdman941]

Gotta love an honest human being.

[Bossxr8]

Originally Posted by birdman941

Gotta love an honest human being.

Yet, one that has no clue whatsoever.

[pauljh74]

Made a basic error last night:

In bed I touched the other half on the bum but just got the terse reply, "Don't touch what you can't afford."

So I said, "Why? Are you selling it by the kilo now?"
*********************************************

Two men were at the bar asking each other how they were going when one said, "This morning I had an argument with my wife, she got on her menstrual cycle and ran me over."
The other man said, "I've never heard it put that way before."
The first guy replied, "Yeah, it's even got a unique sound - it goes, NAG NA NAG NA NAG NAG............... WHIIIINNNNGGGGGEEEEEEEE, WHINGE, WHINGE, WHINGE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!*

*I had to change it from the B word which would have been filtered.
**********************************************

I'm about three years into my relationship now and I've started to have difficulties "rising to the occasion".

My girlfriend and I have different ideas as to what the problem is: She bought me some Viagra;

And I've bought her a treadmill.
**********************************************

A truck driver is cruising along when he spots a little yellow man standing in the middle of the road, crying. He brings the truck to a standstill, rolls down the window, and asks the little yellow man what's wrong.

"I'm yellow, I'm from Venus, I'm gay and I'm hungry," sobs the little man.

"Well," says the trucker, "I can offer you a cheese sandwich, but that's as much as I can do." So he passes a sandwich to the little yellow man and drives off.

A bit later he has to stop again, because there's a little red man in the middle of the road, crying. So he comes to a halt, rolls down the window and a bit more impatiently - asks the little red man what the matter is.

"I'm red, I'm from Mars, I'm gay and I'm thirsty," the little man bawls.

So the trucker says, "I can offer you a can of Coke, but that's as much as can do." He hands a can of Coke down to the little red man and drives off.

A little further on, the trucker spots a little blue man in the middle of the road. Really annoyed now, he stops, rolls down the window and snaps, "Yes, you little blue poof, what planet are you from and what the hell do you want?"

And the little blue man answers, " Well Sir I think we will start with your driver's licence, ...".

[Tuddy200]

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia .
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

[birdman941]

Originally Posted by Tuddy200

I've sure gotten old!
I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement,
New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes
I'm half blind,
Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine,
Take 40 different medications that
Make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.
Have bouts with dementia .
Have poor circulation;
Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore.
Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92.
Have lost all my friends. But, thank God,
I still have my driver's license.

Welcome to driving in Florida USA.
(Lots of pensioners)

[Burnout]

Sometimes, when I look at my children, I say to myself,' Lillian, you
should have remained a virgin.'

- Lillian Carter (mother of Jimmy Carter )


I had a rose named after me and I was very flattered. But I was not pleased
to read the description in the catalog:
- 'No good in a bed, but fine against a wall.'

- Eleanor Roosevelt


Last week, I stated this woman was the ugliest woman I had ever seen. I
have since been visited by her sister, and now wish to withdraw that
statement.

- Mark Twain


The secret of a good sermon is to have a good beginning and a good ending;
and to have the two as close together as possible.

- George Burns


Santa Claus has the right idea. Visit people only once a year.

- Victor Borge


Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint.

- Mark Twain


By all means, marry. If you get a good wife, you'll become happy; if you
get a bad one, you'll become a philosopher.

- Socrates


I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury.

- Groucho Marx


My wife has a slight impediment in her speech. Every now and then she stops
to breathe.

- Jimmy Durante


I have never hated a man enough to give his diamonds back.

- Zsa Zsa Gabor


Only Irish coffee provides in a single glass all four essential food
groups:
alcohol, caffeine, sugar and fat.

- Alex Levine


My luck is so bad that if I bought a cemetery, people would stop dying.

- Rodney Dangerfield


Money can't buy you happiness .. But it does bring you a more pleasant form
of misery.

- Spike Milligan


Until I was thirteen, I thought my name was SHUT UP.

- Joe Namath


I don't feel old. I don't feel anything until noon. Then it's time for my
nap.

- Bob Hope


I never drink water because of the disgusting things that fish do in it.

- W. C. Fields



We could certainly slow the aging process down if it had to work its way
through Congress.

- Will Rogers


Don't worry about avoiding temptation. As you grow older, it will avoid
you.

- Winston Churchill


Maybe it's true that life begins at fifty ... But everything else starts to
wear out, fall out, or spread out.

- Phyllis Diller


By the time a man is wise enough to watch his step, he's too old to go
anywhere.

- Billy Crystal

__________________________________________________ _

And even more ironic:

Quote Of The Week:


"I would only like to remind you that, only a year ago, from this
rostrum, we heard the words of American representatives about the
fundamental stability and cloudless prospects of the US economy.
But today, the pride of Wall Street - the investment banks - have
practically stopped existing."

For the past year, they have had to acknowledge losses far
exceeding their profits for the past quarter of a century. This example
alone reflects the real state of affairs better than any criticism."


- Vladimir Putin, Russian Prime Minister

(speaking at the World Economic Forum in Davos)

[Burnout]

Well, now...... here's something I never knew before, and now that I know it, I feel compelled to send it on to my more intelligent friends in the hope that they, too, will feel edified. Isn't history more fun when you know something about it?

Before the Battle of Agincourt in 1415, the French, anticipating victory over the English, proposed to cut off the middle finger of all captured English soldiers. Without the middle finger it would be impossible to draw the renowned English longbow and therefore they would be incapable of fighting in the future. This famous English longbow was made of the native English Yew tree, and the act of drawing the longbow was known as "plucking the yew" (or "pluck yew"). Much to the bewilderment of the French, the English won a major upset and began mocking the French by waving their middle fingers at the defeated French, saying,

See, we can still pluck yew!

Since 'pluck yew' is rather difficult to say, the difficult consonant cluster at the beginning has gradually changed to a labiodentals fricative F', and thus the words often used in conjunction with the one-finger-salute! It is also because of the pheasant feathers on the arrows used with the longbow that the symbolic gesture is known as "giving the bird."

IT IS STILL AN APPROPRIATE SALUTE TO THE FRENCH TODAY!

And yew thought yew knew every plucking thing.

[westoftown]

Why was the maths book depressed?

It had too many problems

[DJR-351]

Interesting and sadly rather true......

'Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old
Friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many
Years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since
His birth records were long ago lost in
Bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as
Having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the
Early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair;
And maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial
Policies (don't spend more than you can earn) and
Reliable strategies (adults, not children, are in
Charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when
political correctness became the, “in thing”, and the
well-intentioned but overbearing, “Human Rights laws”
were set in place.

Reports of a 6-year-old boy charged
With sexual harassment for kissing a classmate;
Teens suspended from school for using mouthwash
After lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding
An unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked
Teachers for doing the job that they themselves had
Failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required
To get parental consent to administer sun lotion or
An Aspirin to a student; but could not inform
Parents when a student became pregnant and wanted
To have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches
Became businesses; and criminals received better
Treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a
Beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a
Burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue
You for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live,
After a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup
Of coffee was hot. She spilled a little in her lap,
And was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents
Truth and Trust, his wife Discretion, his daughter
Responsibility and his son Reason.

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers;

I Know My Rights

I Want It Now

Someone Else Is To Blame

I'm A Victim

Not many attended his funeral because so few
Realized he was gone. If you still remember him,
Pass this on. If not, join the majority and do
Nothing.

[smacxr8]

Guts or Balls....

There is a medical destinction.
Weve all heard about people having guts or balls,
but do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definitions
are listed below.

GUTS - Is arriving home late after a night out with the boys,
being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask:
"Are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - Is coming home late after a night out with the boys,
smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping
your wife on the **** and having the balls to say:
"Youre next fatty"

[FPVF6X189]

why wouldnt they put the queens #$&% on a stamp ?


cause no one would want to lick it :

[smacxr8]

A son asks his dad the difference between 'theoretically' and 'realistically'
Dad says that's hard but i have an idea.
Ask your mum if she would sleep with the milkman for a million bucks. Mum says yes.
Dad says now ask your sister if she would sleep with the newspaper man for
2 million bucks. Sister says yes.
Well there you go son, that's your answer, theoretically we are sitting on 3 million bucks,
but realistically we're living with 2 sluts.

[birdman941]

You guys are on a roll!

[Windsor220]

Why hasnt a women ever been on the moon?

It doesnt need cleaning!