What jokes do you know? - Page 28

Jason[98.EL] · 22-02-2009, 09:39 AM

Duties of Wives...

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from Greece.

He bragged that he had told his wife she needed to do all the dishes and housework. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Italy .

He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Australian girl.

He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, laundry and ironing twice a week, lawns mowed, windows cleaned and hot meals on the table for every meal.

He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye, just enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a handyman.

**Burnout** · 22-02-2009, 12:21 PM

Several men are in the locker room of a golf club. A shoe-phone on a bench
rings and a man engages the hands free speaker-function and begins to talk.
Everyone else in the room stops to listen.

MAN: "Hello"

WOMAN: "Honey, it's me. Are you at the club?"

MAN: "Yes"

WOMAN: "I am at the mall now and found this beautiful leather coat. It's only
$1,000. Is it OK if I buy it?"

MAN: "Sure, go ahead if you like it that much."

WOMAN: "I also stopped by the Mercedes dealership and saw the new 2003
models. I saw one I really liked."

MAN: "How much?"

WOMAN: "$60,000"

MAN: "OK, but for that price I want it with all the options."

WOMAN: "Great! Oh, and one more thing ... the house we wanted last year is
back on the market. They're asking $950,000."

MAN: "Well, then go ahead and give them an offer, but just offer $900,000."

WOMAN: "OK. I'll see you later! I love you!"

MAN: "Bye, I love you, too."

The man hangs up. The other men in the locker room are looking at him in
astonishment.

Then he asks: "Anyone know who this phone belongs to?"

**Burnout** · 22-02-2009, 12:29 PM

LIFE AFTER DEATH

"Do you believe in life after death?" the boss asked one of his employees.

"Yes, Sir," the new employee replied.

"Well, then, that makes everything just fine," the boss went on. "After you
left early yesterday to go to your grandmother's funeral, she stopped in to
see you."

DOCTORS

A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me.
Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she
sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I
should do?"

Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down? Now, tell me,
exactly where is Larry's bar?"

WIZARD

An old man goes to the Wizard to ask him if he can remove a "curse" he has
been living with for the last 40 years. The Wizard says, "Maybe, but you
will have to tell me the exact words that were used to put the curse on
you."

The old replies, "It was 'I now pronounce you man and wife'."

REQUEST

John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully. "Give me one last request,
dear," he said.

"Of course, John," his wife said softly.

"Six months after I die," he whispered, "I want you to marry Joe."

"But I thought you hated Joe," she said.

"I do."

FAMILIARITY

A man picks up a young woman in a bar and persuades her to come back to his
hotel. When they are relaxing afterwards, he asks, "Am I the first man you
ever made love to?"

She looks at him thoughtfully for a second before replying. "You might be,"
she says. "Your face looks familiar."

ADVICE

A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I
have to talk to you about it."

The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?"

The man replied, "My wife is poisoning me."

The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?"

The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's poisoning me.
What should I do?"

The Rabbi then offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I
can find out and I'll let you know."

A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "Well, I spoke to your wife.
I spoke to her on the phone for three hours. You want my advice?"

"Oh, yes", said the man.

The Rabbi replied, "Take the poison!"

benoxr · 22-02-2009, 01:18 PM

I was a very happy man. My wonderful girlfriend and I had been dating for over a year, and so we decided to get married. There was only one little thing bothering me...It was her beautiful younger sister.
My prospective sister-in-law was twenty-two, wore very tight miniskirts, and generally was bra-less. She would regularly bend down when she was near me, and I always got more than a nice view. It had to be deliberate. She never did it when she was near anyone else. One day her 'little' sister called and asked me to come over to check the wedding invitations. She was alone when I arrived, and she whispered to me that she had feelings and desires for me that she couldn't overcome. She told me that she wanted me just once before I got married and committed my life to her sister. Well, I was in total shock, and couldn't say a word. She said, 'I'm going upstairs to my bedroom, and if you want one last wild fling, just come up and get me.'
I was stunned and frozen in shock as I watched her go up the stairs. I stood there for a moment, then turned and made a beeline straight to the front door. I opened the door, and headed straight towards my car.
Lo and behold, my entire future family was standing outside, all clapping!
With tears in his eyes, my father-in-law hugged me and said, 'We are very happy that you have passed our little test. We couldn't ask for a better man for our daughter. Welcome to the family.'
And the moral of this story is:

Always keep your condoms in your car.

**Burnout** · 22-02-2009, 01:29 PM

NEW MEDICATIONS

D A M I T O L - Take 2 and the rest of the world can go to hell for up to 8
hours.

St. M O M's W O R T - Plant extract that treats mom's depression by
rendering Preschoolers unconscious for up to six hours.

E M P T Y N E S T R O G E N - Highly effective suppository that eliminates
melancholy by Enhancing the memory of how awful they were as teenagers and
how you couldn't wait till they moved out.

P E P T O B I M B O - Liquid silicone for single women. Two full cups
swallowed Before an evening out increases breast size, decreases
intelligence, and improves flirting.

D U M E R O L - When taken with Peptobimbo, can cause dangerously low IQ
Causing enjoyment of country western music.

F L I P I T O R - Increases life expectancy of commuters by controlling road
rage And the urge to flip off other drivers.

M E N I C I L L I N - Potent antiboyotic for older women. Increases
resistance to Such lines as, "You make me want to be a better person ... can
we get naked now?"

B U Y A G R A - Injectable stimulant taken prior to shopping. Increases
Potency and duration of spending spree.

Extra Strength BUY-ONE-AL - When combined with Buyagra, can cause an
indiscriminate buying Frenzy so severe the victim may even come home with a
Donnie Osmond CD or a book by Dr. Laura.

J A C K A S S P I R I N - Relieves headache caused by a man who can't
remember your birthday, anniversary or phone number.

A N T I-T A L K S I D E N T - A spray carried in a purse or wallet to be
used on anyone too eager to share their life stories with total strangers.

S E X C E D R I N - More effective than Excedrin in treating the, "Not now,
dear, I Have a headache," syndrome.

R A G A M E T - When administered to a husband, provides the same irritation
as Ragging on him all weekend, saving the wife the time and trouble of doing
it herself.

FGII-XR6 · 22-02-2009, 10:06 PM

The Navy Way.

The Chief noticed a new seaman one day... and barked at him, "Get over
here!" "What is your name?" was the first thing the Chief asked the new
guy.

"Phil," the new guy replied.

The Chief scowled, "Look, I don't know what kind of bleeding-heart, liberal
pansy stuff they're teaching Sailors in boot camp today,
but I don't call anyone by their first name. It breeds familiarity and that
leads to a breakdown in authority. I refer to my sailors by their last name
only. Smith, Jones, Baker - that's all.

I am to be referred to only as Chief. Do I make myself clear?"

"Aye aye, Chief!"

"Good! Now that we got that straight, what is your last name?"

The new guy sighed and said, "Darling, cheif, my name is Phil Darling!"

"Okay then, Phil, here's what I want you to do"

FGII-XR6 · 22-02-2009, 10:09 PM

Sitting on a London train

A man was sitting on a London train eating a bag of fresh prawns, ripping
off the heads and shells and then throwing them out of the window. After
he had gobbled a few of them down an older woman opposite him said, "Would
you mind not doing that? It's disgusting to watch."

"Listen, love." He replied, "It's got nothing to do with you, I've paid my
fare for this journey and I'll do what I damn well want on this train."

He carried on ripping off the shells, throwing them out of the window and
eating the prawns. Finally he finished the bag and settled back for a
little sleep.

The woman then started some knitting and all the man could hear while he
was trying to sleep was the incessant clicking of her knitting needles.
After a while, he sits back up and says to the woman,

"Could you stop that noise, can't you see I'm trying to sleep?"

"It's got nothing to do with you," replies the old woman, "I've paid my
fare and I'll do what I want on this train."

At that, the man grabbed the woman's knitting and threw it out of the
window. The woman immediately stood up and pulled the train alarm cord.

The man burst out laughing and said, "Ha ha, you'll get fined 200 pounds
for that!"

To which the old woman replied, "And you'll get six years when the police
smell your fingers."

Jason[98.EL] · 24-02-2009, 06:40 PM

Live for today..yesterday is gone ....tomorrow might never come

S O M E T I ME S

Sometimes...

when you cry..

no one sees your tears.

Sometimes...

when you are in pain...

no one sees your hurt.

Sometimes.

when you are worried..

no one sees your stress

Sometimes .

when you are happy..

no one sees your smile ..

But FART !! just ONE time...

And everybody knows!!

Bet you thought this was going to be one of those heart-touching stories...

Grimus

Jason[98.EL] · 24-02-2009, 06:44 PM

An older, tired-looking dog wandered into my yard.
I could tell from his collar and well-fed belly that he had a home and was well taken care of.

He calmly came over to me, I gave him a few pats on his head;
he then followed me into my house, slowly walked down the
hall, curled up in the corner and fell asleep.

An hour later, he went to the door, and I let him out.

The next day he was back, greeted me in my yard,

walked inside and resumed his spot in the hall and again slept for about an hour.

This continued off and on for several weeks.

Curious I pinned a note to his collar:

'I would like to find out who the owner of this wonderful sweet dog is

and ask if you are aware that almost every afternoon your dog comes to my house for a nap.'

The next day he arrived for his nap, with a different note pinned to his collar:

'He lives in a home with 6 children, 2 under the age of 3 - he's trying to catch up on his sleep.

Can I come with him tomorrow?'

**Burnout** · 26-02-2009, 09:49 AM

It pays to have private hospital cover

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when
during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing
that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that
you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his
testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five
times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily
rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious
that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, private health cover"

AndrewR_AUII · 26-02-2009, 01:03 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burnedout

It pays to have private hospital cover

A wealthy hospital benefactor was being shown around the hospital when
during her tour she passed a room where a male patient was masturbating
furiously.

"Oh my GOD!!" screamed the woman, "That's disgraceful!!! Why is he doing
that??"

The doctor who was leading the tour calmly explained, "I'm very sorry that
you were exposed to that, but this man has a serious condition where his
testicles rapidly fill with semen, and if he doesn't do that at least five
times a day, he'll be in extreme pain and his testicles could easily
rupture".

"Oh well, in that case, I guess it's ok." commented the woman.

In the very next room a male patient was lying in bed and it was obvious
that a nurse was performing oral sex on him.

Again, the woman screamed, "Oh my GOD!! How can THAT be justified?"

Again the doctor spoke very calmly, "Same illness, private health cover"

I have private Health Cover, but how do I get this illness ?

**Burnout** · 26-02-2009, 07:41 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by AndrewR_AUII

I have private Health Cover, but how do I get this illness ?

It's perhaps something contagious - you get from your hand.............

**killerjoolz** · 26-02-2009, 07:56 PM

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters.

They were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but: 'Nescafe'

Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to her kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar.

It said: 'Good till the last drop'.

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: 'Rothmans'

Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the pack: 'Extra Long. King Size'

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in Auckland, New Zealand. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words 'Air New Zealand'

Mom took out her latest YOU magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for Air NZ.

The ad said: 'Ten times a day, seven days a week, both ways.'

Mum fainted!

**killerjoolz** · 26-02-2009, 08:00 PM

Shrek, Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt were all having lunch together.

Shrek said, 'I have always thought that I'm the strongest man in the
world, but how can I be sure?

'Brad Pitt said, 'I'm pretty sure I'm the sexiest man alive but I've never
had it confirmed.'

Angelina Jolie agreed. 'I'm told I'm the most gorgeous of them all, but
sometimes I wonder.'

They all decided that the best way to find out if their beliefs were true
was to ask the famed talking 'mirror, mirror on the wall' to confirm for
them whether Shrek was the strongest, Angelina Jolie was the most gorgeous
and Brad Pitt was the sexiest. They agreed to meet again the next day for
lunch to discuss their findings.

The next day Shrek walked up with a smile. 'Well, true. The mirror told me
that I am the strongest man in the world.'

Brad Pitt perked up and said: 'And I know for sure that I'm the sexiest
man alive.'

But Angelina Jolie lifted her sad, gorgeous face and said... (scroll down)

WHO THE HELL is KILLERJOOLZ ?????????

deesun · 26-02-2009, 09:11 PM

A married couple walked in to a Jamaican sandal shop.
The proprietor said to them, 'I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in.
Dey make you wild at sex.'
Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals
after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really
didn't need them, being the sex god he was.
The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you
into a sex freak?'
The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.'
So, the husband, after some badgering from his wife,
finally gave in, and tried them on.
As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild
look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many
years! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the
Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his
pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of
the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, 'You got dem on the wrong feet!'

**killerjoolz** · 26-02-2009, 11:42 PM

Birds of a feather

Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle, they walk over to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, 'Dat's dem.'

The owner comes over and asks if he can help them.

'Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere,' says Gerry.

The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box.

Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass.

At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, 'Dis looks like a grand place.'

He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff.

Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead.

Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, 'Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!'

THERE'S MORE...

Moment's later; Seamus arrives up at ConnorPass.

He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other.

'Hi, Paddy, watch dis,' Seamus says.

He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free.

He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun.

Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot.

Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body.

Paddy shakes his head and says, 'And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!'

IT IS NOT OVER YET...

Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears.

He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken.

Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine.

Once more Paddy shakes his head.

'Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting... And now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!'

**Burnout** · 27-02-2009, 12:26 PM

My kids love going to the Web, and they keep track of their passwords by
writing them on Post-it notes.

I noticed their Disney password was "GoofyMickeyMinniePluto" and so I
asked why it was so long.

"Because," my son explained, "they said it had to have at least four
characters."

caputo23 · 27-02-2009, 07:28 PM

On a passenger flight, the pilot comes over the public address system as usual and to greet the passengers. He tells them at what altitude they’ll be flying, the expected arrival time, and a bit about the weather, and advises them to relax and have a good flight.. Then, forgetting to turn off the microphone, he says to his co-pilot, "What would relax me right now is a cup of coffee and a blowjob." All the passengers hear it. As a stewardess immediately begins to run toward the cockpit to tell the pilot of his slip-up, one of the passengers stops her and says "Don’t forget the coffee!"

**killerjoolz** · 27-02-2009, 07:32 PM

Paddy met Mick in the street and Mick said, 'Paddy will you draw your bedroom curtains before making love to your wife in future?'

'Why?' Paddy asked.

'Because', said Mick, 'all the street was laughing when they saw you making love yesterday.'

Mick said,'Silly buggers - the laugh's on them. I wasn't home yesterday!!'

RSgerry · 28-02-2009, 01:05 AM

Murphy being interviewed for a blacksmiths job was asked if he had any experience shoeing horses.

He said no but he once told a donkey to f*#k off

**Burnout** · 02-03-2009, 10:55 PM

What's the definition of mixed emotions?
When you see your mother-in-law backing off a cliff
in your new car.

What's the height of conceit?
Having an orgasm and calling out your own name.

What's the definition of macho?
Jogging home from your own vasectomy.

What's the difference between Michael Jackson and
a grocery bag?
One is made of plastic and is dangerous for children
to play with....
the other is used to carry groceries.

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

GS608 · 02-03-2009, 11:24 PM

Quote:

Originally Posted by Burnedout

Why don't blind people like to sky dive?
Because it scares the hell out of the dog.

heard that one on the radio at work the other day, funny as
they all thought it was lame though!

benoxr · 03-03-2009, 12:59 AM

A bogan walked into the centerlink office, marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE getting welfare. I'd really rather have a job.'

The worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful 30 year old daughter. You'll have to drive around in his Mercedes, and he'll supply all of your clothes. Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips and you will have to satisfy her sexual urges. You'll be provided a two-bedroom apartment above the garage. The salary is $100,000 a year.'

The guy, wide-eyed, said, 'You're bullshittin' me!'

The Centerlink worker said, 'Yeah, well . . . you started it.'

schnoods · 03-03-2009, 01:09 AM

Paddy O'Halloran somehow managed to get his Pilots licence and was on his maiden voyage as a pilot, flying a plane from belfast to paris.

All was well, despite the nerves he managed a faultless take off, set course no worries and everything was on time.

After taking off, he was radio'ed by air traffic control, "Flight 664, what is your height and Position?"

He replied " I'm six foot four, and im sitting at the front".

Jason[98.EL] · 03-03-2009, 09:22 AM

**Burnout** · 03-03-2009, 06:22 PM

A man was in court for a double murder and the judge said: "You are charged
with beating your wife to death with a hammer."

A voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out: "You bastard!"

The judge continued: "You are also charged with beating your daughter to death
with a hammer."

Again, the voice at the back of the courtroom yelled out: "You God-damned
bastard!"

The judge stopped, looked at the man in the back of the courtroom, and said:
"Sir, I can understand your anger and frustration at this crime, but I will
not have any more of these outbursts from you, or I shall charge you with
contempt. Now, is that a problem?"

The man at the back of the court stood up and explained: "For fifteen years I
lived next door to that bastard. And EVERY time I asked to borrow a hammer,
he said he didn't have one!"

**Burnout** · 04-03-2009, 08:36 AM

The Italian Secret of a Long Marriage

At Saint Mary's Catholic Church in South Philly they have a weekly husband's
only marriage seminar. At the session last week, the Priest asked Luigi, who
was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and
share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same
woman all these years.

Luigi replied to the assembled husbands, "Wella, I've a-tried to treat-a
her nizza, spenda money on her, but besta of all is that I tooka her to
Italy for the 20th anniversary!"

The Priest responded "Luigi, you are an amazing inspiration to all the
husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for
your 50th Anniversary."

Luigi proudly replied, "I'm agonna go get her."

prydey · 04-03-2009, 08:41 AM

that is absolute gold!!!

dave289 · 04-03-2009, 09:15 AM

I got a new rolex for my birthday from the lesbian girls next door! I think they misunderstood me when I said "I wanna watch"

Daymoe · 09-03-2009, 01:51 PM

The lamest joke ever:

Why didn't the skeleton jump off the building?

BECAUSE HE HAS NO GUTS