What jokes do you know?

[Burnout]

Two boys are playing football in a Melbourne park, when one is attacked by a
Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy rips a board off the nearby
fence, wedges it down the dog's collar and twists, breaking the dog's neck.

A reporter who is strolling by sees the incident, and rushes over to
interview the boy. "Blues fan saves friend from vicious animal", he starts
writing in his notebook.

"But I'm not a Blues fan," the boy replies.

"Tigers fan rescues friend from horrific attack," the reporter starts
again.

"I'm not a Tigers fan either, " the boy says.

"Then what are you?" the reporter says.

"I'm a Collingwood fan"

The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Low life barstard
kills family pet".

[FGII-XR6]

Very interesting - I think you'll find it is extremely accurate!

WHO IS YOUR ROLE MODEL???

Try it without looking at answers

1) Pick your Favourite number between 1-9

2) Multiply by 3 then

3) Add 3, then again Multiply by 3 (I'll wait while you get the calculator)

4) You'll get a 2 or 3 digit number.

5) Add the digits together

Now with that number see who your ROLE MODEL is from the list below :

1) Einstein

2) Nelson Mandela

3) Jacob Zuma

4) Tom Cruise

5) Bill Gates

6) Gandhi

7) Brad Pitt

8) Hitler

9) AU3XR6

10) Barack Obama

I know....I just have that effect on people....one day you too can be like
me....

[FGII-XR6]

A Christmas Story for people having a bad day:


When four of Santa's elves got sick, the trainee elves did not produce toys
as fast as the regular ones, and Santa began to feel the Pre-Christmas
pressure.

Then Mrs Claus told Santa her Mother was coming to visit, which stressed
Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were
about to give birth and two others had jumped the fence and were out,
Heaven knows where.

Then when he began to load the sleigh, one of the floorboards cracked, the
toy bag fell to the ground and all the toys were scattered.

Frustrated, Santa went in the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of
rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered the elves had drank all
the cider and hidden the liquor. In his frustration, he accidentally
dropped the cider jug, and it broke into hundreds of little glass pieces
all over the kitchen floor. He went to get the broom and found the mice
had eaten all the straw off the end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and irritated Santa marched to the door,
yanked it open, and there stood a little angel with a great big Christmas
tree.
The angel said very cheerfully, 'Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't this a
lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to
stick it?'

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas
tree.

[FGII-XR6]

*****URGENT WARNING*****

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Meg Ryan" in the subject line,
do not open it. It might contain a virus.

If you get an e-mail with "Nude Photos of Hillary Clinton", do not open it.
It might contain nude photos of Hillary Clinton.

[Burnout]

A typical American knowledge of history

As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the
co-pilot was providing his passengers with a running commentary about
landmarks over the PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major
tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed when a lump of
nickel and iron, roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons,
struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris
for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and
is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Gee! Look at that! It just missed the highway!"

[Ricks_Xr6t]

whats got two legs and bleeds....half a cat.

[pauljh74]

Simon Cowell is more powerful than Jesus.

Sure, Jesus can turn water into wine, but Simon Cowell can turn a steaming pile of crap into money.
***********************************************

I found a little lost puppy this morning down my road.

Luckily he had his address written on his collar, so I knew straight away where to send the ransom note.
***********************************************

My wife has run off with the milkman and I am struggling to cope.
Safeway is over a mile away and going there every morning is a bastard.
***********************************************

A couple were watching the Weather on the TV. The forecaster predicted it would be a sunny day so the wife decided she would wash the curtains.

"I wouldn't if I was you, Rudolph says it's going to rain," her husband said.

"Who's Rudolph?" his wife asked.

"He's that Russian guy from down the pub."

She decided to go with the forecast - after all, what would some guy down the pub know?

It poured down and the curtains got soaked.

The following day the forecast said rain but the husband suggested a trip to the beach.

"But it's going to pour down again," the wife said.

"Rudolph says it's going to be fine." And it was.

All through the week the forecaster said one thing and Rudolph down the pub said another and each time Rudolph was right.

"How is it that some Russian guy from down the pub can predict the weather so accurately?" asked the wife.

"Well, Rudolph the Red knows rain, dear!"
********************************************

My wife wants to go on Holiday and be treated like a Queen.

So I brought her a ticket to India, as they worship cows over there.
********************************************

The wife was bragging, "As women get older, they age like fine wine."
"Must be something wrong with your cork then, love, you're ageing like milk," I replied.
********************************************

[Burnout]

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl 'Will you marry me?' The girl said,
'NO!'
And the guy lived happily ever after and rode motorcycles and went
fishing, hunting and played golf a lot and drank beer and scotch and
left the toilet seat up and farted whenever he wanted.

[290v]

A Scotsman been on a desert Island for 10 yrs when a boat arrives a beautiful Blonde swins ashore in a wet suit the Scotsman said "you wouldn't happen to have a fag its been such a long time, she unzips her suit puts her hand into her left breast area pulls out a smoke, he then said in ther you wouldn't happen to have a scotch its been such a long time she reaches into her right breast area and pulls out a canter of scotch she then said to the Scotsman as she unzipped the wetsuit some more would you like to go a round the Scotsman replies Oh my god you haven't got golf clubs as well

[FGII-XR6]

When Madonna first moved to England she said she wanted to feel more
English.

She is now unmarried, single mother with three kids from different fathers,
one of them black.

Job done
.................................................. .................................................. ....

An elderly couple was vacationing in the American West. Sam had always
wanted a pair of authentic cowboy boots. On the next to the last day of
their vacation, he saw the perfect boots on sale, bought them, and proudly
wore them home.

He sauntered into their hotel room and said to his wife, "Notice anything
different, Helen?"

Helen looked him over, and said: "Nope."

Sam replied excitedly, "Come on, Helen, take a good look. Notice anything
different about me?"

Helen looked again. "Nope."

Frustrated, Sam stormed off into the bathroom, undressed, and clomped back
into the room, completely naked, except for his boots.

Again, he asked, a little louder this time, "Notice anything DIFFERENT?"

Helen looked up and said: "Sam, what's different? It's hanging down today,
it was hanging down yesterday, it'll be hanging down again tomorrow."

Furious, Sam yelled, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, HELEN? IT'S
HANGING DOWN BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW BOOTS!"

To which Helen replied: "Shoulda bought a hat, Sam; you shoulda bought a
hat."

[FGII-XR6]

There was a little old lady, who every morning stepped onto her front
porch,
raised her arms to the sky, and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD!'

One day an atheist moved into the house next door. He became irritated at
the little old lady. Every morning he'd step onto his front porch after
her and yell: 'THERE IS NO LORD!'

Time passed with the two of them carrying on this way every day.

One morning, in the middle of winter, the little old lady stepped onto her
front porch and shouted: 'PRAISE THE LORD! Please Lord, I have no food and
I am starving, provide for me, oh Lord!

The next morning she stepped out onto her porch and there were two huge
bags of groceries sitting there.

'PRAISE THE LORD!' she cried out. 'HE HAS PROVIDED GROCERIES FOR ME!'

The atheist neighbour jumped out of the hedges and shouted: 'THERE IS NO
LORD; I BOUGHT THOSE GROCERIES!!'

The little old lady threw her arms into the air and shouted: 'PRAISE THE
LORD! HE HAS PROVIDED ME WITH GROCERIES AND MADE THE DEVIL PAY FOR THEM!'

[Velociraptor82]

What type of pie can fly???


a magpie

[pauljh74]

I left my car in a car park the other day, when I came back to it the bumper and rear lights were all smashed up. Then I found this note under the wiper. It said:

I just accidentally reversed into your car.
Quite a few people saw me do it.
They think I'm leaving my name and details.
Well, I'm not.
*************************************************

Top Tip:

Fill your inflatable sex doll with helium so that you still get some of the thrill of the chase.
*************************************************

Don't you think that the BBC should have made Doctor Who more realistic by giving us an Indian doctor that no one can understand?
*************************************************

Little Red Riding hood is re-visiting the crime scene, where the Big Bad Wolf raped her. The FBI agent asks her, to walk through the crime scene, and explain what happened, if she can go through with it.
"All right then." says Little Red Riding Hood, as she ducks under the Police Investigation tape, that cordoned off a sizeable area of the forest.
"Here is where he pushed me off my bike!" she points to the red bicycle with a buckled wheel.
"That's terrible" says the agent.
"And he ripped off all my clothes here." she covers her face as she stands in an area, where her bra, thongs, skirts, blouse are all torn to pieces, and scattered on the ground.
"And he raped me here." she starts crying.
"That's okay, sweetheart. He's gone now, don't worry." says the agent as he walks her along. They get a bit further down, and the scene changes into something resembling to a disaster movie. Bushes pulled out from the ground, trees are broken in half.
"Jesus wept! What the hell happened here?" asks the agent.
"This is where he found out I had AIDS."
**********************************************

I've just got one of them new Space-Saver spare tyres. You know the ones..... they're smaller than normal tyres, you can't drive as fast as the other drivers on the road, and if they're on for more than 40 or 50 miles they'll probably blow up and cause a crash......

I'm pretty sure they're the tyres Jenson Button uses on his F1 car.

[FGII-XR6]

Prison Vs. Work

IN PRISON you spend the majority of your time in an 8x10 cell.
AT WORK you spend most of your time in a 6x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON you get three meals a day.
AT WORK you only get a break for 1 meal and you have to pay for it.

IN PRISON you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK you get rewarded for good behavior with more work.

IN PRISON a guard locks and unlocks all the doors for you.
AT WORK you must carry around a security card and unlock and open all the
doors yourself.

IN PRISON you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON you get your own toilet.
AT WORK you have to share.

IN PRISON they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK you cannot even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work required.
AT WORK you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct
taxes from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON you spend most of your life looking through bars from the inside
wanting to get out.
AT WORK you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON there are wardens who are often sadistic.
AT WORK they are called managers.

[XR6_661]

MAN TEST

1. If you are over forty, and you have a washboard stomach, you are a queer. It means you haven't sucked back enough beer with the boys and have spent the rest of your free time doing sit-ups, aerobics, and doing the Oprah diet...Faggot.

2. If you have a cat, you are a homo. A cat is like a dog, but queer-- it grooms itself constantly but never scratches itself, has a delicate touch except when it uses its claws, and whines to be fed. And just think about how you call a dog... 'Killer, come here! I said get your *** over here, Killer!' Now think about how you call a cat...'Bun-bun, come to daddy, snookums!', you're pitched, you're so queer.

3. If you suck on lollipops, Ring-Pops, baby pacifiers, or any such nonsense, rest assured, you are a Gaylord. A straight man only sucks on BBQ ribs, crab claws, raw oysters, lobster backs, pickled pigs feet, or tits. Anything else and you are a Homo in training and undeniably a fag. A fudge packer.

4. If you refuse to take a dump in a public bathroom or in a parking lot, you crave a deep homosexual relationship. A man's world is his bathroom; he defecates and urinates where he pleases.

5. If you drink anything other than regular coffee, you're as camp as a row of tents. A straight man will never be heard ordering a 'Decaf Soy Latte'. If you've put a Decaf Soy Latte to your lips, you've had a man there too.

6. If you know more than six names of non-standard colors or four different types of dessert other than ice cream and custard, you might as well be handing out free *** passes. A real man doesn't have memory space in his brain to remember all of that crap. If you can pick out chartreuse or you know what a 'fressier' is; you're gay. And if you can name ANY type of textile other than cotton or denim, you are poofter.

7. If you drive with both hands on the wheel, forget it, you're dying to tune a meat whistle. A man only puts both hands on the wheel to honk at a slow-*** driver or to cut the off. The rest of the time he needs that hand to change the radio station, eat a hamburger, scratch his nuts or hold his beer.

8. If you do not send this off to all the males on your email list because you are afraid of hurting their feelings then you are definitely on the verge on being a *** puncher.

[Burnout]

Red Skelton's Recipe (now, who amongst you remembers him?) for a Perfect Marriage:

1. Two times a week we go to a nice restaurant, have a little beverage,
good food and companionship. She goes on Tuesdays; I go on
Fridays

2. We also sleep in separate beds. Hers is in California, and mine is in
Texas.

3. I take my wife everywhere.... but she keeps finding her way back.

4. I asked my wife where she wanted to go for our anniversary. "Somewhere I
haven't been in a long time!" she said. So I suggested the kitchen.

5. We always hold hands. If I let go, she shops.

6. She has an electric blender, electric toaster and electric bread maker.
She said "There are too many gadgets, and no place to sit down!"
So I bought her an electric chair.

7. My wife told me the car wasn't running well because there was water in
the carburetor. I asked where the car was. She told me,
"In the lake."

8. She got a mud pack, and looked great for two days. Then the mud fell
off.

9. She ran after the garbage truck, yelling, "Am I too late for the
garbage?" The driver said, "No, jump in!"

10. Remember: Marriage is the number one cause of divorce.

11. I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

12. I haven't spoken to my wife in 18 months. I don't like to interrupt
her.

13. The last fight was my fault though. My wife asked, "What's on the TV?"
I said, "Dust!"

... these were the good old days when humor didn't have to start with a
four letter word. It was just clean and simple fun. And he always ended
his programs with the words, "God Bless"

[FGII-XR6]

1). What is a four-letter word that ends in k and means the same as
intercourse?

2). What is it that a cow has four of and a woman has only two of?

3). What can you find in a man's pants that is about six inches
long, has a head on it, and that women love so much that they often blow
it?

4). What word starts with f and ends with u-c-k?

5). Name five words that are each four letters long, end in u-n-t,
one of which is a word for a woman?

6). What does a dog do that you can step into?

7). What four letter word begins with f and ends with k, and if you
can't get one you can use your hands?

8). What is hard, six inches long, has two nuts, and can make a
girl fat?

9). What four-letter word ends in i-t and is found on the bottom of
birdcages?

10). What is it that all men have one of; it's longer on some men
than on others; the pope doesn't use his; and a man gives it to his wife
after they're married?

ANSWERS:
1. (talk)
2. (legs)
3. (a twenty dollar bill)
4. (firetruck)
5. (bunt, hunt, runt, punt, aunt)
6. (pants)
7. (fork)
8. (Almond Joy candy bar)
9. (grit)
10. (last name)

GET YOUR MIND OUT OF THE GUTTER

[FGII-XR6]

What am i????

This useful tool, commonly found in the range of 8 inches
long.

The functioning of which is enjoyed by members of both
sexes.

Is usually found hung, dangling loosely, ready for instant action.

It boasts of a clump of little hairy things at one end and small
hole at the other.

In use, it is inserted, almost always willingly, sometimes slowly,
sometimes quickly, into a warm, fleshy, moist opening where it is
thrust in and drawn out again and again many times in succession,
often quickly and accompanied by squirming bodily movements.

Anyone found listening in will most surely recognize the rhythmic,
pulsing sound, resulting from the well lubricated movements.

When finally withdrawn, it leaves behind a juicy, frothy, sticky
white substance, some of which will need cleaning from the outer
surfaces of the opening and some of from its long glistening shaft.

After everything is done and the flowing and cleansing liquids
have ceased emenating, it is returned to its freely hanging state
of rest, ready for yet another bit of action, hopefully reaching its
bristling climax twice or three times a day, but often much less.

What am i???????

As you may have already guessed, the answer to the riddle
is none other than your very own..........
















.....toothbrush.........


What were you thinking?


You pervert!

[FGII-XR6]

A young man wished to purchase a gift for his new sweetheart's
birthday, and as they had not been dating very long, after
careful consideration, he decided a pair of gloves would
strike the right note.... Romantic, but not too personal.

Accompanied by his sweetheart's younger sister, he went to
Sears and bought a pair of white gloves. The younger sister
purchased a pair of panties for herself.

During the wrapping, the clerk mixed up the items and the sister got
the gloves and the sweetheart got the panties.

Without checking the contents he sealed the package and mailed it to
his sweetheart along with this note:


My Dearest,

I choose these because I noticed that you are not in the habit of
wearing any when we go out in the evening. If it had not been for
your sister, I would have chosen the long ones with buttons, but
she wears short ones that are easy to remove.

These are a delicate shade but the lady I bought them from showed me
the pair she had been wearing for the last three weeks and they were
hardly soiled. I had her try yours on for me and she looked really
smart.

I wish I was there to put them on you for the first time, as no doubt
other hands will come in contact with them before I have a chance to
see you again.

When you take them off, remember to blow in them before putting them
away as they will naturally be a little damp from wearing.

Just think how many times I will kiss them during the coming year. I
hope you will wear them for me on Friday night.


All My Love


P.S. The latest style is to wear them folded down with a little fur
showing.

[FGII-XR6]

Joe took his blind date to the carnival. 'What would you like to do
first, Kim?' asked Joe.

'I want to get weighed,' she said.

They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She
got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize.

Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over Joe
again asked Kim what she would like to do. 'I want to get weighed,'
she said.

Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there
before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar.

The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next.
'I want to get weighed,' she responded.

By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early,
dropping her off with a handshake.

Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, 'How'd it go?'

Kim responded, 'Oh, Waura, it was weally wousy.'


.................................................. .................................................. ...........

Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day.
Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.

[Charliewool]

SNOW IN JAMAICA.....


A lady goes on vacation to Jamaica. Upon arriving, she meets a black man, and after a night of passionate love making she asks him, "What is your name?"


"I can't tell you" the black man says.
Every night they meet and every night she asks him again what his name is and he always responds the same, he can't tell her.


On her last night there she asks again, "Can you please tell me
your name?"
I can't tell you my name because you will laugh at me." says the black man.


"There is no reason for me to laugh at you," the lady says.

"Fine, my name is Snow!" the black man replies.
And the lady bursts into laughter, the black man gets mad and says, "I knew you would make fun of it".


The lady replied, "I'm not making fun of your name. I'm thinking of my husband who won't believe me when I tell him that I had 10 inches of Snow everyday in Jamaica!"

[pauljh74]

Who are the most scary people in the world?

Joggers.

It's them that always seem to find the bodies.
***********************************************

My mate was born on January 1st. He says that it's good luck.

I wonder if his mother felt the same way 9 months before he was born when his father said 'You know how I said I was wearing a condom? April fools!'

[Burnout]

Nelson: "Order the signal, Hardy."

Hardy: "Aye, aye sir."

Nelson: "Hold on, that's not what I dictated to Flags. What's the
meaning of this?"

Hardy: "Sorry sir?"

Nelson (reading aloud): "' England expects every person to do his or
her duty, regardless of race, gender, sexual orientation, religious
persuasion or disability.' - What gobbledegook is this?"

Hardy: "Admiralty policy, I'm afraid, sir. We're an equal
opportunities employer now. We had the devil's own job getting '
England ' past the censors, lest it be considered racist."

Nelson: "Gadzooks, Hardy. Hand me my pipe and tobacco."

Hardy: "Sorry sir. All naval vessels have now been designated
smoke-free working environments."

Nelson: "In that case, break open the rum ration. Let us splice the
mainbrace to steel the men before battle."

Hardy: "The rum ration has been abolished, Admiral. Its part of the
Government's policy on binge drinking."

Nelson: "Good heavens, Hardy. I suppose we'd better get on with it
.......... full speed ahead."

Hardy: "I think you'll find that there's a 4 knot speed limit in this
stretch of water."

Nelson: "Damn it man! We are on the eve of the greatest sea battle in
history. We must advance with all dispatch. Report from the crow's
nest please."

Hardy: "That won't be possible, sir."

Nelson: "What?"

Hardy: "Health and Safety have closed the crow's nest, sir. No
harness; and they said that rope ladders don't meet regulations. They
won't let anyone up there until a proper scaffolding can be erected."

Nelson: "Then get me the ship's carpenter without delay, Hardy."

Hardy: "He's busy knocking up a wheelchair access to the foredeck
Admiral."

Nelson: "Wheelchair access? I've never heard anything so absurd."

Hardy: "Health and safety again, sir. We have to provide a
barrier-free environment for the differently abled."

Nelson: "Differently abled? I've only one arm and one eye and I refuse
even to hear mention of the word. I didn't rise to the rank of admiral
by playing the disability card."

Hardy: "Actually, sir, you did. The Royal Navy is under represented in
the areas of visual impairment and limb deficiency."

Nelson: "Whatever next? Give me full sail. The salt spray beckons."

Hardy: "A couple of problems there too, sir. Health and safety won't
let the crew up the rigging without hard hats. And they don't want
anyone breathing in too much salt - haven't you seen the adverts?"

Nelson: "I've never heard such infamy. Break out the cannon and tell
the men to stand by to engage the enemy."

Hardy: "The men are a bit worried about shooting at anyone, Admiral."

Nelson: "What? This is mutiny!"

Hardy: "It's not that, sir. It's just that they're afraid of being
charged with murder if they actually kill anyone. There's a couple of
legal-aid lawyers on board, watching everyone like hawks."

Nelson: "Then how are we to sink the Frenchies and the Spanish?"

Hardy: "Actually, sir, we're not."

Nelson: "We're not?"

Hardy: "No, sir. The French and the Spanish are our European partners
now. According to the Common Fisheries Policy, we shouldn't even be in
this stretch of water. We could get hit with a claim for
compensation."

Nelson: "But you must hate a Frenchman as you hate the devil."

Hardy: "I wouldn't let the ship's diversity co-ordinator hear you
saying that sir. You'll be up on disciplinary report."

Nelson: "You must consider every man an enemy, who speaks ill of your
King."

Hardy: "Not any more, sir. We must be inclusive in this multicultural
age. Now put on your Kevlar vest; it's the rules. It could save your
life"

Nelson: "Don't tell me - health and safety. Whatever happened to rum,
sodomy and the lash?"

Hardy: As I explained, sir, rum is off the menu! And there's a ban on
corporal punishment."

Nelson: "What about sodomy?"

Hardy: "I believe that is now legal, sir."

Nelson: "In that case............................... kiss me, Hardy.

[Burnout]

Fred and Mary got married, but can't afford a honeymoon, so they go back to
Fred's parent's home for their first night together.
In the morning, Johnny, Fred's little brother, gets up and has his
breakfast. As he is going out of the door to go to school, he asks his Mum
if Fred and Mary are up yet.
She replies, "No".
Johnny asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "I don't want to hear what you think! Just go to school."
Johnny comes home for lunch and asks his mum, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
She replies, "No."
Johnny says, "Do you know what I think?"
His mum replies, "Never mind what you think! Eat your lunch and go back to
school."
After school, Johnny comes home and asks again, "Are Fred and Mary up yet?"
His mum says, "No."
He asks, "Do you know what I think?"
His Mum replies, "Ok, do tell me what you think?"
He says: "Last night Fred came to my room for the Vaseline and I think I
gave him my airplane glue instead."

[Burnout]

The three Goldberg brothers, Norman, Hiram, and Max,
invented and developed the first automobile air conditioner.

On July 17, 1946, the temperature in Detroit was 97 degrees.
The three brothers walked into old man Henry Ford's office
and sweet-talked his secretary into telling him that three
gentlemen were there with the most exciting innovation in
the auto industry since the electric starter.

Henry was curious and invited them into his office. They
refused and instead asked that he come out to the parking
lot to their car.

They persuaded him to get into the car, in which it was
about 130 degrees. They then turned on the air conditioner
and cooled the car off immediately. The old man got very
excited and invited them back to his office, where he
offered them $3 million for the patent.

The brothers refused, saying they would settle for $2
million, but they wanted the recognition by having a label,
"The Goldberg Air-Conditioner," on the dashboard of each car
that it was installed in.

Now, old man Ford was more than just a little anti-Semitic,
and there was no way he was going to put the Goldbergs' name
on two million Fords.

They haggled back and forth for about two hours and finally
agreed on $4 million, and that just their first names would
be shown.

And so to this day, all Ford air conditioners show Norm, Hi,
and Max on the dashboard.

[burnz]

Imagine if major companies from all around the world started producing or sponsoring condoms.
They would become fashionable and companies would probably advertise more openly.
* Nike Condoms: Just do it

* Toyota Condoms: Oh what a feeling

* Ford Condoms: The ride of your life

* Optus Condoms: Yes!

* Duracell Condoms: Keep going and going and going

* Pringles Condoms: Once you pop you can't stop

* Hyundai Condoms: All day, every day

* Tip Top Condoms: Good onya mum - (available in Tasmania only)

* Panasonic Condoms: Even more than you expected

* VB Condoms: As a matter of fact, I've got one now

* Swan Lager Condoms: They said you'd never make it....

* Vegemite Condoms: Puts a rose in every cheek

* Levi Condoms: Do you fit the legend?

* Nescafe Condoms: It brings you together.

* Quicken Condoms: Quicken Easy


The following brands would probably not sell very well.....

* AFL Condoms: I'd Like to See That

* Goodyear Condoms: If it only saves you once a year....

* TAC Condoms: Speed kills

* Nobby's Condoms: Nibble Nobby's Nuts

* Bolle Condoms: Put them on your face

* Aussie Homeloans Condoms: We'll save you



taken from just commodores

[Burnout]

Worked with a bloke who's nick name was 'Nike',/\ /\ "Just Do It" was one of his favorite expressions.

[LOCO XP]

Anger Management....possibly repost, if so I apologise. Also mods, I have done my best to censor this, but hopefully not so much that the true essence of the joke isn't lost

When you occasionally have a really bad day,
and you just need to take it out on someone,
don't take it out on someone you know,
take it out on someone you don't know,
but you know deserves it.

I was sitting at my desk when I remembered
a phone call I'd forgotten to make.

I found the number and dialed it.

A man answered, saying
'Hello.'

I politely said,
'This is Chris.
Could I please speak with Robyn Carter?'

Suddenly a manic voice yelled out in my ear
'Get the right ....ing number!'
and the phone was slammed down on me.

I couldn't believe that anyone could be so rude.

When I tracked down Robyn 's correct number to call her,
I found that I had accidentally transposed the last two digits.

After hanging up with her,
I decided to call the 'wrong' number again.

When the same guy answered the phone, I yelled
'You're an ...hole!'
and hung up.

I wrote his number down with the word '...hole' next to it,
and put it in my desk drawer.

Every couple of weeks,
when I was paying bills or had a really bad day,
I'd call him up and yell,
'You're an ...hole!'

It always cheered me up.

When Caller ID was introduced,
I thought my theraputic '...hole'
calling would have to stop.

So, I called his number and said,
'Hi, this is John Smith from the telephone company.
I'm calling to see if you're familiar with our Caller ID Program?'

He yelled
'NO!'
and slammed down the phone.

I quickly called him back and said,
'That's because you're an ...hole!'
and hung up.

One day I was at the store,
getting ready to pull into a parking Spot.

Some guy in a black BMW
cut me off and pulled into the spot I had patiently waited for.

I hit the horn and yelled that I'd been waiting for that spot,
but the idiot ignored me.

I noticed a 'For Sale ' sign in his back window,
so I wrote down his number.

A couple of days later,
right after calling the first ...hole
(I had his number on speed dial,)
I thought that I'd better call the BMW ...hole, too.

I said,
'Is this the man with the black BMW for sale?'

He said,
It's a yellow ranch style house and the car's parked right out in front.'

I asked,
'What's your name?'

He said,
'My name is Don Hansen,'

I asked,
'When's a good time to catch you, Don?'

He said,
'I'm home every evening after five.'

I said,
'Listen, Don, can I tell you something?'

He said,
'Yes?'

I said,
'Don, you're an ...hole!'

Then I hung up,
and added his number to my speed dial, too.

Now, when I had a problem,
I had two ...holes to call.

Then I came up with an idea...

I called ...hole #1.

He said,
'Hello.'

I said,
'You're an ...hole!'
(But I didn't hang up.)

He asked,
'Are you still there?'

I said,
'Yeah!'

He screamed,
'Stop calling me,'

I said,
'Make me,'

He asked,
'Who are you?'

I said,
'My name is Don Hansen.'

He said,
'Yeah? Where do you live?'

I said,
'...hole, I live at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
a yellow ranch style home and
I have a black Beamer parked in front.'

He said,
'I'm coming over right now, Don.
And you had better start saying your prayers.'

I said,
'Yeah, like I'm really scared, ...hole,'
and hung up.

Then I called ...hole #2.

He said,
'Hello?'

I said,
'Hello, ...hole,'

He yelled,
'If I ever find out who you are...'

I said,
'You'll what?'

He exclaimed,
'I'll kick you’re ...,'

I answered,
'Well, ...hole, here's your chance.
I'm coming over right now.'

Then I hung up and immediately called the police,
saying that I lived at 34 Oaktree Blvd , in Fairfax ,
and that I was on my way over there to kill my gay lover.

Then I called Channel 7 News
about the gang war going down in Oaktree Blvd in Fairfax .....

I quickly got into my car and headed over to Fairfax ....

I got there just in time to watch two ...holes
beating the crap out of each other
in front of six cop cars, an overhead news helicopter
and surrounded by a news crew.

NOW I feel much better.

Anger management really does work.

[LOCO XP]

[burnz]

csi miami