What jokes do you know?

[pauljh74]

Here's a quick test to do in your spare time. This will freak you out! Count how many points you get to see your very own personalised comment!

QUESTION 1: Gentlemen, can you see your *member* without the aid of a mirror?
YES - 1 points
NO - 0 points

QUESTION 2: Can you correctly spell the name of your country (abbreviations do not count)?
YES - 1 point
NO - 0 points

QUESTION 3: Is America the best damn country in the world?
YES - 0 point
NO - 1 points

IF YOU SCORED 3 POINTS: What's it like being Australian?
IF YOU SCORED 2 POINTS: What's it like being fat?
IF YOU SCORED 1 POINT: What's it like being fat and stupid?
IF YOU SCORED 0 POINTS: How about them Nicks?

**********************************************

The United States has two thirds of the world's lawyers. India has 2/3 of the world's lepers. What is the mathematical relationship between these two statements of fact?

India had first choice

[birdman941]

Funny how a great majority of Americans have a high opinion
and respect for Australia and its people.
Me, I only have a low opinion of one Aussie.

[schnoods]

Haha, cmon its all in good Jest.

Im sure there are a few aussies over there being the centre (or topic) of Jokes.

[pauljh74]

Originally Posted by birdman941

Funny how a great majority of Americans have a high opinion and respect for Australia and its people.
Me, I only have a low opinion of one Aussie.

The Americans who could find Australia on a map maybe :P

The original joke I found actually said if you got 3 points you were British
The joke site has alot of jokes on it, with alot of British posters and some are critical of yanks and many of the other ones aren't suitable for posting here. Despite having a perverted sense of humour, some of the jokes there definitely push the limits, but sometimes that can make them the best ones!
Probably why they called the site Sickipedia.

[irlewy86]

Pirate walks into the bar with a steering wheel sticking out of his pants.

Bartender says, "You know you've got a steering wheel in your pants"

Pirate replies, "Arrr, its driving me nuts"

[V3RSAC3]

I'd just like to let you all know that I will no longer be sharing racist jokes anymore because racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

[go_ford]

Originally Posted by V3RSAC3

I'd just like to let you all know that I will no longer be sharing racist jokes anymore because racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

LOL...thats a good one

[Jesk]

Originally Posted by V3RSAC3

I'd just like to let you all know that I will no longer be sharing racist jokes anymore because racism is a crime, and crime is for black people.

thought it was for wogs nath?!?!? :

(sorry if that offends anyone not intended to just a playful jibe!)

[V3RSAC3]

A Sydney man sees a job advertised as a fanny waxers assistant. Job includes 'removine ladies knickers, prepare fanny for waxing & then rub in oil after waxing'. The man ask about the job at a Job Centre & is told to go to Perth. He asks if thats where the job is? The Job Centre says "No, thats the back of the freakin queue".

[SM1DY]

A man and a women are about to get married, then tragically they both die in horrific accident.

When they get to Heaven they ask St.Peter, "Can we still get married in Heaven?".

St.Peter replies "I'll just go find out for you".

After three days of waiting, St.peter returns to the couple and says "Apparently there are no rules against getting married in heaven, I was even able to find a preist to perform the ceremony.

The couple look at each other, then the man turns to St.Peter and says "Eternity's a long time, what happens if it doesn't work out and we decide we want to get divorced?".

St.Peter turns red with rages and says "It's just taken me 3 days to find a preist, how long do you think it will take me to find a Lawyer!"

[ToCo]

A man attends a fancy dress party with only a pair of jeans on, everyone at the party asks what he has come as and he replies "I am a premature ejaculator,
I only come in my Jeans."
-------------------------------
Why did the two condoms go to the gay bar?
To get S*** faced.

[Burnout]

An Ipswich girl walks into the local dry cleaners. She places a garment on the
counter.

"I'll be back tomorrow afternoon to pick up my dress." she says.

"Come again?" says the clerk, cupping his ear.

"No" she replies. "This time it's mayonnaise."

---===###===---

Ipswich Girl enters a sex shop & asks for a vibrator.

The man says "Choose from our range on the wall."

She says "OK, I'll take the red one."

The man replies "That's a fire extinguisher."

---===###===---

An Ipswich girl is involved in a nasty car crash and is trapped and
bleeding. The paramedics soon arrive on site.

Medic: It's okay - I'm a paramedic, and I'm going to ask you some questions.

Girl: Okay

Medic: What's your name?

Girl: Sharon

Medic: Okay Sharon. Is this your car?

Sharon: Yes

Medic: Where are you bleeding from?

Sharon: Bleeding Ipswich, mate.

[V3RSAC3]

Q: What's the fastest thing in Australia?

A: An abo with your TV.

Q: What's the second fastest thing?

A: His cousin with you VCR

[V3RSAC3]

YOU KNOW YOU ARE A WOG WHEN...................

1. You can bench press 325 pounds, shave twice a day, but you still cry when your mother yells at you.

2. You carry your lunch in a Weston Produce bag because you can't fit 2 falafel chicken sandwiches, 4 oranges, 3 bananas, a jar of olives, a loaf of bread and a kebab into a regular paper lunch bag.

3. Your father owns 5 houses, has $300,000 in the bank, but still drives a '76 Monaro/Kingswood.

4. Your mother owns 3 houses, has $400,000 in the bank but still believes she's entitled to the pension.

5. You share one bathroom with your 5 brothers and 7 sisters, have no money, but drive a $75,000 Club Sport.

6. Your mechanic, plumber, electrician, accountant and travel agent are all related somehow.

7. You consider dunking a pack of Teddy Bear bikkies in coffee a nutritious breakfast.

8. There are at least 30 pairs of slippers in your front hall closet.

9. You live in a 9 square foot bungalow, but still have 2 kitchens.

10. You have a $6,000 sound system in your XD Falcon.

11. Your 2 best friends are your cousin and brother-in-law's brother-in-law.

12. You own a tape that has Stevie B, Pearl Jam, and Ricki Martin on the same side.

13. You find it necessary to carry a MOBILE despite the fact that you are a part-time check out chick at Franklins.

14. You have a member card saying V. I. P at more than 3 dance clubs.

15. A favourite summer activity for you and your friends is sitting on the bonnet of your car blaring some gangsta rap outside macca's.

16. Despite the hair on your back, you still try to impress the ladies by wearing your "Just Do Me" tank top to The Metro.

17. At least 5 of your cousins live on your street.

18. All 5 of those cousins are named after your grandfather.

19. A high school diploma and 1 year of TAFE College has earned you the title of Professor.

20. You have at least one relative named Mohamed, George, Giovanni or Ahmed.

21. The meat you eat is usually a former pet.

22. It takes 4 disposable blades to shave each side of your face (and that's both for a guy or a girl).

23. If someone in your family grows beyond 5 ft 6 it is presumed your mother had an affair.

24. At some point in your life, you were a D. J. or mowed the lawns at your uncle's.

25. 30 years after immigrating, your parents still say "khallo" when answering the phone.

26. You are offended when the wedding you attend serves less than 9 courses despite the fact that you don't eat half of it.

27. You ask how much for cash when buying something from Grace Bros.

28. You are not materialistic but insist a $500 wedding present is nothing.

29. You think having a concrete backyard is nice.

30. You actually believe everyone eats those sugared almonds in the bonbonniere at your wedding.

31. You always have a friend who 'owes you a favour'.

32. You wore skin tight Lycra (?) pants; white high heels and leopard skin print crop tops LONG before Fran Drescher appeared in "The Nanny".

[Hillbilly F Truck]

Yes to 32. She stole my look.

[V3RSAC3]

Now Im not intending to be racist here, just havin a laugh..

10 Wog Comandments

10. Thou shall have at least 2 mobile phones or own 2 SIM cards.
One for optus free time and the other for vodaphone
Because the best things in life are - free!!





9. Thou shall wannabe a dj or have a cousin that is a dj.
Even better if you or your cousins have tried to make your own tracks using
demo programs off the net and sampling stuff that sounds like you ripped it
off an old atari or playstation game.





8. Thou shall display at least 3 cross's.
A gold chunky cross your godparents gave you when you were baptized that you
wear around your neck along with the other 10 charms of chilies, love hearts
and evil eyes a huge cross and your village saint above your bed blessed by
the pope, Some rosary beads hanging from your rear view mirror in the car that
your nonna/yia yia gave you.

Optional for the young wogboys: Showing your so called "devotion"
to religion by getting a tattoo of the cross or any other religious symbols
usually on your arm or on your back. (no barber wire round your arm doesn't count)





7. Thou shall rebel against older wogs with any authority and
obtain some sort of piercing.
Any self respecting wogboy, would have popped down to the chemist and gotten
a ear ring, but in the next suburb in order to avoid a leak to the local gossip
network (eg.your mums hair dresser, your dads best mate who owns the fruit shop
etc).
IMPORTANT: You must remove the earring before and during the time spent at home
and when with the boyz one must replace it, with a big chunky gold sleeper.





6. Thou must know greetings in other wog languages.
We live in a multicultural society therefore lets start
with the basics:

Hows it going bro
Hows it going le
Hows it going cuz
Hows it going stronzo

Feel free to expand on your vocabulary:

Sic le
I swear to god...
Howudoin?
Wallah
Hows it hangin bro
Howudoin





5. Thou shall travel or cruise in at least 1 modified car a week
and be seen at 1 of the following locations:<br>
* Brighton
* Norton St
* Bondi
* Stanmore Macca's
* Bayview
* Auburn Maccas
* Bankstown





4. Thou shall use excessive amounts of hair products on ones hair
using products such as extra hold hair spray, mouse and gel.
A wogboys hairdo is a masterpiece, in some cases a work of art. One must set
aside many hours to craft those spikes of hair.
If you have curly hair do not bother...shave it down to a number 0 or1. Colour
is also an important element and standards do apply: One must have streaks of
blonde, red or blue applied to the ends of one's hair.





3. Thou should know at least one traditional song or dance.
These include artists such as Eros, Laura, Sabrina, Sfakianakis, Yianni and
AmedMc- ok maybe not the last one.
When dancing in a traditional fashion, usually at your cousins 21st and your
so blind drunk that you forget half your chest is pouring out of your top and
your skirt is riding up your backside, a strong grip of the nearest person's
hand could make or break your dance routine. If in doubt of any dance moves...improvise!
AND never EVER take a serviette from someone inside the circle.





2. Thou shall not get busted waxing by ones mother.
If your hairy, make sure your mother never catches you waxing your legs for
the next soccer game. She'll freak and think you've gone gay on her and her
dream of a white wedding will never come true. She'll resort to setting you
up with a family friend, distant relative/someone with the same last name or
some poor village girl from the old country...and then your clubbing days will
be gone my friend!!





1. Thou shall go clubbing every Saturday night.
It is an insult to the wog culture if a wogboy isn't wearing the most fitted
black pants (bootleg of course) purchased from Oxford St, a singlet or tight
top, gold chain must ALWAYS be hanging outside ones top, chunky shoes, sunglasses and be chewing like a cow on green extra. Purchase glow sticks, wave them round like your a cop trying to direct traffic, and stake your claim on anything that is remotely higher than the dance floor so everyone can see you.

[V3RSAC3]

THings to do in an Elivator...


When people get on, ask for their tickets.

When there's only one other person in the elevator, tap them on the shoulder and then pretend it wasn't you.

Push the buttons and pretend they give you a shock. Smile, and go back for more.

Ask if you can push the button for other people, but push the wrong ones.

Hold the doors open and say you're waiting for your friend. After a while, let the doors close and say, "Hi Mike. How's your day been?"

When the doors close, menacingly announce that "It's going to be a bumpy
ride."

Constantly bounce a tennis ball.

Drop a pen and wait until someone reaches to help pick it up, say "that's mine!"

Stand in the corner reading a telephone book, laughing.

Take pictures of everyone in the elevator.

Turn off the lights in the elevator to "conserve energy."

Leave a box in the corner, and when someone gets on ask them if they hear something ticking.

When the doors close, announce to the others, "It's okay. Don't panic, they open up again."

Push your floor button with your nose.

Stand alone, and when the doors open tell people trying to get on that the car is full and that they should wait for the next one.

Swat at flies that don't exist.

Ride naked.

Push the top floor button and announce that you tried to kill yourself yesterday but the other building wasn't high enough.

Talk to people about the "golden age of elevators in the 50's."

Stand really close to someone, sniffing them occasionally.

Ask, "Did you feel that? I felt a rumble."

[FGII-XR6]

A woman walked up to a little old man rocking in a chair on his porch. "I couldn't help noticing how happy you look," she said. "What's your secret for a long happy life?"

"I smoke three packs of cigarettes a day," he said. "I also drink a case of whiskey a week, eat fatty foods, and never exercise."

"That's amazing," the woman said. "How old are you?"

"Twenty-six!" he said.

[FGII-XR6]

Healthy Competition
A shopkeeper was dismayed when a brand new business much like his own opened up next door and put up a huge sign which read BEST DEALS.

He was horrified when another competitor opened up on his right, and announced its arrival with an even larger sign, reading LOWEST PRICES.

The shopkeeper was worried, until he got an idea. He put the biggest sign of all over his own shop - it read...

MAIN ENTRANCE

[V3RSAC3]

^^ GOLD ... Bloody Gold

[FGII-XR6]

A young boy was getting very bad marks at school. His parents became very worried and decided to send him to a good Catholic school in the hope that this would make a difference. His marks dramatically increased and his parents asked him what made the difference - Was it his new friends, his new teachers, his new environment or what?

The child said, looking a bit afraid, "When I first went inside the school I saw a man hanging on a cross. I was really afraid that if I didn't get good marks they would do that to me too. So I studied"

[Burnout]

The new hooker just finished her first trick. When she came back down to
the street, the seasoned veterans all gathered around to hear the details.

She said "Well, he was a big muscular and great looking sailor!"

"Wow! So what did he want to do?" they all asked.

She said "Well, I told him that a straight lay was $100, but he said he
didn't have that much. So I told him that oral sex would be $75, but he
didn't have that much either".

"In the end, I said, 'Well ... how much DO you have?'"

The sailor said that he only had $25.

The new hooker had then said, "Well, for $25 all I can do is a hand job".

He'd agreed, and after getting the finances straight, she recounted:
"So then, he pulled it out, and I put one hand on it, and then a second
hand above the first and then the first hand above the second hand ..."

"Oh my god" they all exclaimed, "It must have been huge ... so what did
you do then?"

"I loaned him $75."

[birdman941]

[RG]

This has been said before so I shouldn't be having to say it again.

Do not try to avoid the swear filter. Anyone that does will have their post deleted and repeat offenders will enjoy a little holiday.

[Hardtopxb]

You have to hand it to them.



Who?.



Blind prostitutes..

[Burnout]

Man walks into a bar and orders a drink from the bartender. He then
spots a gorgeous blond sitting alone, so he decides to try his luck. He
takes his drink and wanders to where she is sitting and tries to strike
up a conversation with her, but to no avail. She just isn't interested
in men at the moment, she says. Dejected, he returns to his bar stool
and orders a double.

A couple of minutes later, another man walks into the bar, sits down and
orders a drink. He too spots the blond, and wanders over. Within
seconds, they both stand up, leaving their drinks behind, and hurry out
of the bar, arm in arm.

The first man has been observing all this, and calls the bartender over.

"I tried to speak to her and she basically told me to push off," he
says. "How come she left with him? What did he say?"

"He said nothing," said the bartender, "he just licked his eyebrow."

[DDXR6T]

At the mental ward sits one pyromaniac, one sadist, one necropheliac, one zoophile and one masochist.

So, the zoopheliac says: God damn, I'm so bored. Let's rape a cat.

The pyromaniac says: No no, let's set a cat on fire, then rape it!

The necropheliac says: Naw, let's kill it, set it on fire, then rape it!

Sadist replied: Let's torture it, kill it, set it on fire, then rape it.

Masochist says: Meow!

[Jesk]

Originally Posted by Dan635

At the mental ward sits one pyromaniac, one sadist, one necropheliac, one zoophile and one masochist.

So, the zoopheliac says: God damn, I'm so bored. Let's rape a cat.

The pyromaniac says: No no, let's set a cat on fire, then rape it!

The necropheliac says: Naw, let's kill it, set it on fire, then rape it!

Sadist replied: Let's torture it, kill it, set it on fire, then rape it.

Masochist says: Meow!

well that'd be some smokin pussy

[DDXR6T]

How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

Let go rollerblading!!!!!!!

[FordFan86]

Nothing to see here.