[BENT_8]

To be honest, discovering you have mental health issues is only half the battle, once diagnosed the true battle begins to first understand your weaknesses and to develop coping mechanisms to help combat them.
Thats the hurdle im facing now.

My biggest issues is my anger, not because i get violent, but because i have an almost zero tolerance to people who i percieve are trying to take advantage of me, its usually my mouth that does the damage.

Ever since i went through a terrible work cover experience i have struggled to maintain employment, not that i've ever been sacked, but because i end up blowing my stack over something i percieve as wrong.

I was driving trucks for 18 months, loving it as i love being behind the wheel. One of the other drivers pulled a swifty and i ended up getting a late run which caused me to be late for a family event, i blew my top and never went back.

Recently i was offered the job as greenkeeper at my club, i was in my element as i love being outdoors and love the game of bowls. I was two weeks into it when i locked horns with the president and it all went south.
They had renegged on part of the contract terms and i saw red, we had words and it was over in seconds.
A shame because in those two weeks the greens had never played better.

Truth is i knew it would happen, cant help myself, even warned my Wife that she needed to try and defuse me when things get heated, didnt make any difference, i am who i am and every day is a struggle to comprehend why i am the way i am.

If you knew me personally, and i do have a select few very close friends whom i've known for the best part of 30 years, you'd know that i am the type of person who can turn his hand to anything and that in itself is a tragedy because its not that i couldnt be anything i wanted to be, i just cant control my feelings when i feel wrong doneby.

I'd do anything for anyone, but if i feel you've disrespected me in the process, there is no turning back.

So what do i do with myself, well i look after my 4yo daughter, she gives me a reason to get up everyday. My Wife is my rock and because she earns enough to keep us comfortable i am no burden on the welfare system, i get nothing.
I completely redecorated the Club before Christmas, saved them thousands and then got burned for my troubles.

The house is immaculate, i even wash and chamois the gutters, eves and brickwork every few months, cant stand dust. Our cars are immaculate, the cleanest in the street. All my Wifes workmates are ****ed off because when they go home hubby is at work and the house is a mess, they have more disposable income, so its a trade off.
Im going through a ****fight over my Fathers estate, thats not easy.

Im trying to stay positive though, sharing my experiences helps, i feel like im doing something to help someone else, thats just me.

The funny part of it is that despite my anger issues im not violent, the old man was, i think he broke my spirit, his way of making you tough was to spar with me and land plenty but never let me reply, i'd just cower down as the jabs reigned down. He was an animal really.
In reality im probably a ticking timebomb.

Still, despite all that im hoping there's light at the end of the tunnel, and not an oncoming freight train...

To many what i share is very confronting and brutally honest, as i said in an earlier post, i have been desensitised to hatred and violence from an early age, i really dont give a **** what anyone thinks anymore, i am who i am.